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My Mum and I have had this conversation often enough...'Forgiving' your enemies.
It's a pretty concept... but it's just one of those things that's 'easier said than done.'

I've been hurt a lot in the past... (who hasn't.) More than some, less than others. And for a long time I've struggled with dwelling on things.

I'm not going to go into detail on this one, some of it would make most people uncomfortable. But a lot of shitty stuff happened between high school and my first year of college. Stuff that broke me inside and out... And instead of moving on, I would constantly think about it. I would let it upset me over and over again... reopening what should be 'old' wounds and making them fresh and bleeding. Eventually all the bad things piled up... that it got to the point where if I thought about one bad thing, it would trigger a landslide and I'd drown in ALL the bad things. For a while, I was just so tired that I stopped trying to fight free at all.

In 2oo6 I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) amongst other things.

I went through a really dark time. It was as if my memories were a noose around my neck that grew tighter with each dark thought, 'til it felt like I couldn't breathe.

I was an emotional basket case. I still am I guess... my Mum's always told me I'm 'overly sensitive'. Artists are often noted for being too in tune with their surroundings, and directly influenced by their environment.... if that environment is negative-- well. Anyway this is off track...

A little over half a year ago, I felt as if I finally had the reigns back in my hands. I had risen above everything trying to pull me down.

I'd like to think that I was capable of forgiveness... that forgiving my enemies freed me from the pain they caused....
But the truth is, I think I just found something better. Something or rather someone that made me happier than all that emotional muck. And all of a sudden... those enemies and everything they'd done... said, just didn't matter because THEY didn't matter. I don't know if it's that I forgave them or that I just don't care anymore?

Like I said, I'd like to think I was capable of such forgiveness.

I'd also really like to know... because maybe it would help heal a new hurt.

A new darkness in my heart.

Two people hurt me greatly at the end of August. These people probably know who they are, although I don't know if they'll see this. I don't really care if they do, since this is for me to try and sort my thoughts out. They'd hurt me before this... but this was the end.

I worked through the problems with one. It hurt and it was hard, but we did it.

The other though, despite the fact that I want NOTHING to do with her ever. Seems to have everything to do with me, as little things remind me about what she did... tried to do. I HATE her. I seriously, hold her in the utmost contempt and have no respect for her what-so-ever. Women like her, piss me off. Maybe it's because at one point it's because I was a little like her? A part of an older,weaker self that I hate. And that disgusts me too. All I hold for her is anger and hatred. Not true... I think I pity her... yeah I do. I feel sorry for her.

ANYWAY!

I feel like the only way I can free myself of the memory is to forgive her... Something that at the moment feels impossible to me. Beyond my grasp as a human being.... I mean, every time something makes me think of her, it's all I can do, not to hop on a plane and hunt her down. I would love, LOVE to be left in a room with her. Yeah... maybe if I beat the living tar out of her I'd feel better. Then again, probably not. Doesn't stop me from wanting to though... Does that make me a bad person? If it does I don't really care. The idea of kicking her 'pretty' face in makes me feel warm inside.

Oh dear. I guess I am a bad person... or am I just human?

Here's the problem though... How do I forgive someone I hate this much? That I seem content to stay angry at and wish will ill towards?

It's not healthy I know.

Mum says I should pray for her. Heh. I have you know... I've prayed for her sorry a**... but I can't say it was heartfelt or 'sincere'. Wishing her to be guided when all I really want is to guide my fist to her mouth. Hurt her like she hurt me.

My Mum also tells me, that she probably doesn't even think about it, that it's only hurting me.

True probably. Probably VERY true.

It's a vicious circle... wishing to hurt her, and just hurting myself in the end.

It's hard,
But I need to overcome this.

She ruined enough in the past. I won't give her my future.

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