Ummm.. I haven't got a whole lot to say. I think I may be starting to get back on my feet again, but Im still a little wobbly. I am realizing that now, without Ron (aka Everpresent He) I will not be dragged down anymore. I can better myself now, because I don't have his negativity pressing down on me. He was never happy for me. I got my learners permit and was all excited, because he had told me I would never do it. He didn't care. His response was "Well, you still can't drive. Just because you passed a test doesn't mean you'll be able to do it." I don't need s**t like that and I knew it before. For the last two or three months before we id break up I thought about breaking up with him myself. I always convinced myself that if I did, I would never know if it was going to get better. Now I wish I had done it the first time I thought about it. Maybe I wouldn't be all suicidal and s**t.
Despite my realizing this, I do still hurt sometimes. I remember how sweet he could be, the things we did together that I now regret letting him do and doing for him, and all the times we laughed together and we talked about me moving to cinnci to stay with him. Those memories hurt more than the bad ones. The bad ones make it easy to hate him and forget him. The good ones feel like little pins in my heart.
Today I woke up feeling sad. Im not sure why. I was thinking of him. Perhaps I dreamt of him that night and didn't remember it but remembered it made me sad. I have been having alot of dreams like that. They always have Ron in them and I'm always about to be killed. Sometimes it's Ron who tries to kill me. Most of the time actually. Other times Ill be running to try to catch him and even though he is walking I can't reach him, and everything inbetween me and him is trying to murder me. There are some where I die trying to save his life and he doesn't care. I'm just watching him walk away with someother girl, usually a friend of mine, and they are always laughing and kissing while I lay dying. Its horrible.
I have found a way to ease the pain. It sounds kind of vain and pathetic, but it helps me. I just remind myself that I'm damn sexy and alot of fun to be around and Ron is not. I did think he was gorgeous once, but after I saw what was inside him he turned grotesque. I know he has his reasons for being all dark and pessimistic, but he has no reason to have toyed with me the way he did.
My previous EX may not know it now, but he is helping me feel alot better. We've been talking and we still hug eachother and we're friends as if our relationship never happened. That makes me feel better, because it reminds me that even if I could be so angry at a person, or that person could've been so mad at me, things still get better. I hurt badly when he and I broke up. I nearly pilled myself to death. I cried and cried when I saw him with another girl, but now I don't care. I can hang out with him and his girlfriend and be perfectly fine. It doesn't hurt anymore. I'm not angry at him at all and I like being around him, but I can say without a doubt that it is just in a friend type way.
I lied, I guess I did have alot to say. I have even more, but I think I'll put it in a different post.
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My brain makes words.
If I need to talk but have no one to talk to or I feel I need to write through my problems, it goes here. I do not use names. If I do, it's because I either have no respect for the person, or I accidentally slipped.
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