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Chapter 2, part 2

Hagrid: Hohoho!
1st yearer: Santa Clause?
Hagrid: Hell no! I’m Hagrid the gameskeeper!
1st yearer: Then why did you say “hohoho?”
Hagrid: Cuz a ho just walked by!
1st yearer: Oh…
Hagrid: 1st yearers! Follow me! Oh, everyone else! You have to go through the Forbidden Forest, wrestle Aragog, steal the Lucky Charms, use the charms to open a chest, which contains a shuriken, then throw the shuriken at the flying penguin, then rebuild the penguin to a sled with magic, then use it to cross the lake.
Harry: Or we can just hitch a ride on the boats with the 1st yearers.
Hagrid: Hell no! You guys know magic, so you have to do more!
Elder student: Hell no!
Hagrid: Fine. The alternate route is to swim across the lake, and take a suckson cup from the giant squid and give it to me.
Malfoy: Why do we have to give it to you?
Hagrid: So I can make stew and to climb the castle walls like Spiderman.
Ron: Hey… did anyone watch Spiderman 3?
Hermione: Hell yeah.
Ron: Let use spoilers to get out of trouble!
Hagrid: No! there’ll be no spoilers in this fic!
Harry: Snape kills Dumbledore!
Hagrid: Harry, for that, you’ll have to see me naked.
[Hagrid flashes Harry]
Harry: MY EYES!!!! THEY BURN!
Ron: Poor, Harry.
Hermione: Well, I guess he deserved that.
Ron: Seeing Hagrid naked?
Hermione: Yeah.
Ron: I agree.
[Malfoy holds Harry]
Hagrid: Aww, ******** this. Let’s get going with the story!
All: Oh, yeah.
Hagrid: Ok, 1st yearers! Get on the bloody boats! Everyone else! Choose your coarse!
[Everything went all Final Fantasy like]
Box text: Choose your team!
[Arrow goes over Harry, Hermione, Ron, and Ginny]
Box text: Where?
[Arrow points to Forbidden Forest]
Harry: Who the ******** is controlling us?
[Screen goes to menu. Harry’s changed to a black mage, Hermione’s a scholar, Ron’s a soldier, and Ginny’s a red mage]
Ron: What happened to our clothes?
[Chibi Harry starts walking to the Forbidden Forest]
Ginny: Why are we all Harry?
[Battle sequence begins]
Hermione: What the hell? I can’t use any magic!
[Hermione hits her book at the wolf]
Wolf : Ow! That hurt!
[The number 256 appeared above it][
[Wolf explodes]
[Harry and Ginny casts Fira at a spider]
Spider: Rawr.
[The number 679 appears above it]
[Spider implodes]
Ron: Alright! It’s Ron’s turn!
[Ron stabs a fly]
[Fly turns into a giant snake]
All: WTF? Flee!
[They flee the battle sequence]
After going ½ through the maze…
Ron: Look! It’s a giant spider!
Giant spider: Hello friends of Hagrid.
Harry: Aragog.
Aragog: Here’s a boss fight sequence.
[A boss sequence from FFIII begins]
[Harry and Ginny casts Fira]
Aragog: Aaaaah!
Hermione: Wait! Lemme analyze it.
[Hermione analyzes Aragog]
Oh. It’s bad against fire.
Ron: It’s Ron’s turn!
[Ron uses a fire sword to hit Aragog]
Aragog: Rawr!
[Aragog hit Hermione and 400 appeared above her, then he hits Harry and the number 349 appears above him]
[Ginny and Harry cast Fira]
[Hermione uses a hi-potion on herself]
[Ron uses a hi-potion on Harry]
[Aragog hits Ginny twice]
[Ginny faints]
Ron: ********!
[Ron uses phoenix down on Ginny]
[Ginny’s revived]
[Harry and Ginny casts Fira]
Harry: Is it dead yet?
Hermione: Lemme check… it has 253141670 out of 300000000 hit points left.
Ginny: Damn!
Ron: Take this!
After a very long battle…
Harry: Aragog’s finally dead.
Ron: Ginny’s fainted.
Harry: Good. Leave her there.
Ginny: Don’t leave me!
Harry: ********.
Ginny: Harry! Come here!
[Ginny hugs Harry]
Hermione: C’mon… we need to get going.
Ron: Hey… wait… there’s some shiny stuff here…
Hermione: It’s the Lucky Charms!
Harry: We gotta find the chest!
Hermione: It’s right behind you Harry.
Harry: Oh! That was convenient.
[Hermione uses the charms to open the chest]
Box text: You received a shuriken!
[Game goes into mini game mode]
New Box text: Object: Use the shuriken to hit the flying penguin. Use the (a) button to pull back the shuriken and use (x) to release it. Tap the (b) and (y) button for more power. To move the target, use the arrows. Use the [L] and [R] buttons to lengthen the shot or to shorten it.
Harry: What… the…hell?
Ron: Lemme try!
After many failed attempts…
Hermione: Move over!
[Hermione hits a flying penguin]
Ok! Now let’s assemble it!
10 minutes later…
Hermione: All right! Let’s go to the lake!
[Boat moves on water like in FFIII]
[Battle sequence begins]
[Mermaids appeared]
Harry: Goddamnit!
30 minutes later…
Ron: Finally! Too many stupid random encounters!
Harry: There’s a boss battle.
[Giant squid appears]
Ginny: Hey…. We can use get the suckson cups for Hagrid.
Harry: Yeah… and put some on our nipples!
Ron: w00t! C’mon! Let’s get some n****e suckson!
[All starts sucking the squid]
[Squid ends up as a giant prune]
All: Yay! n****e suckson cups!
[Classic FF victory song plays]
Harry: Where’s that music coming from?
[Everything goes back to normal… well… as normal as it can get]
Hermione: C’mon! We gotta get to the feast!
[All runs up the stairs to the Great Hall]
Snape: Hello Griffindors… Hello, Miss Granger.
All: Aw, ********.
Snape: You’re all in trouble.