okay...so last night..me criston. told thy julieta that he loved her repeatedly. and he has not been obscene about the marriage thingy. i know i want to spend the rest of my life with this man. heart but it is hard to trust again after corey promised me the world and gave me a bathtube. ya know?
i dont expect chris to give me anything just his hand. and i can not offer anything back except my love. that is all i have. i don't have much and i don't understand truly why he likes me. because all my life the boys i have liked have beeen like ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww_ and i have been sad then go away. and for once i have a guy i really love and i can't understand why he does not think like all the other guys. that i am blahhhh. so i know that he thinks i am worth it. but i don't think as such. he held me last night after our little escepades. and told me how much he loved me. and how could i ever think that he did not love me. but the truth is.....i keep wanting to be like water and just flow with it and not let fate do her job. i want to be the path water flows on. and fate is pushing me over saying "b***h let me drive" and i don't wanna let her. eek i need to just let her steer and take control. i know he loves me i know it ....he proves and tells me...but what if he stops? what will i do then? i don't want to live without him. and i swear to fawkin balls if he turns out just like corey. i am done with dating. i will live out the remainder of my life as a hermit. and i am perfectly content with being alone. but i don't want to be. i want chris to be with me.
on a further note. felicia has been domokun at my face. she is jealous of chris. because i don't show her all my attention. but she must get over it. she freaking changed her friends on her top list on myspace. and that pissed me the hell off. but i just let it go. i do miss her..but she did this too me for the longest. and chris is my best friend. i tell him everything, and he is always here for me.
i guess my fear is also my most longing desire....contentness with me. i don't want to be me. because i know that i must wake up to my mistakes and other peoples mistakes that i help indure. but i want to be content with me so i can die peaceably. stressed that probably did not come out right. i just feel like everyone has turned their back on me since chris and i got together. but that happens. a lot especially this day in age. no one can really be trusted. it took me forever to just trust chris. i have let my heart up to him. because i trust him to not break it. and hand it back and say spaghetti. gonk and me run away and cry. God please save my poor soul.
i don't think this journal entry said exactly what i wanted it too. but it said something.
 Orchids of Apocalypse · Sat Sep 22, 2007 @ 11:16pm · 1 Comments |
