You may never know the pain I feel. A pain that can't be erased with a laugh or a smile. A pain that has endured for nearly 20 years. But when I try to remember what it was that caused this pain I draw a blank. So I think, if this pain is in every memory from my entire life so far, then what is my earliest memory? Maybe I can find a clue there.
When I think as far back as I can, my first memory is of my mother and father yelling at each other. Now what do you think that does to a child? For 4 years if that is all they know? The watch as the separated family becomes more separated through divorce. And as they stay child watches as the rest of the family stay separated. Mother against son. Son against father. And in all directions. For years the family stays in conflict with each other. The child grows into a young adult with nothing to guide him.
From this I realize that the source of my great pain is all that and more. The anger of others towards others and the warmth of kindness never felt. This whole time I thought that my other half was being mean by forcing me to never get close to others. But in essence, it was protecting me. I remember now that if people get together, anger and hostility towards others increases. Marriage is the closest people can get and the worst they can be will come of it. I do not like seeing others hurt and by staying separated from people I could prevent anger and hostility from returning. But in the end I am causing myself pain. For it is the warmth from others that I want. The kindness and attention I never had. By causing myself a little pain I can save myself from feeling the great pain yet again. As well as keep others from feeling it. But in time, enough small pain will eclipse the great pain and a new, greater pain will begin.
I now see the cause of my pain. But this will not make it stop. Nothing can make is go away. If it does, then I have forgotten it. And if I have forgotten it, then I am most likely to repeat it. I must now find my answer to what will bring me true happiness. And if that is what I did not have in life. Then it is companionship and friendship that I must seek.
Thank you satsuke_baby, Yume Puppy, Hikari Tsukiko Yami, Substitute Soul Reaper, jennifer_1991, and Mikoto Suzuni. You are my first true friends and I owe you much.
 Mr.Huggles · Sat Jul 21, 2007 @ 03:44pm · 1 Comments |
