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I feel a lot better now... For one thing, I've found out I don't have many classes to go to now. I've got a ton of stuff to write and a few exams to do, but not many more classes. So lots of free time. But I really need to start looking for a job - I've got to apply for something now in order to get my visa to go to my boyfriend's country. I've signed up for a job-finding service so it shouldn't be hard, but I've got so much to fret about right now... Ahwell, I'll get it done. I've not much time, though. I need to get everything planned out in time to get a cheap plane ticket, for one thing...and there's the 7500 words I need to write...

But I'm feeling sunnier. Lookie, I even changed my Gaia clothes. It's part of me trying to be sunnier, less defensive...it's not so hard here as it is out there. Maybe I ought to start an LI thread about that - the way people hate strong people for being stronger than them, but if you dare to show a weak side they just act disgusted... I've actually had my 'best friend' tell me before now that I'm not allowed to have bad days. I've got my sister whining at me because I'm winning an argument she started and in which I keep saying I have no interest beyond defending myself. I'm not supposed to defend myself, I'm supposed to 'compromise' and let people keep believing the lies they make up about me. I'm not allowed to have bad days, I don't have a certified mental disorder like she does, I've got to just keep plodding on and bloody on no matter what. It's pathetic, and I know I'd regret it if I did give up on it all and never see her again, but I'm so tempted to do just that, you know?

Aah, angst. Then there's been the situation in our household. There's six of us - two girls, four guys, we were all friends before and three of the guys shared a house last year - and one of the guys has always held himself away from the rest of us for a bit. For the first half-year we lived here he lived with his girlfriend. They split up and he came back here, but he wouldn't be part of the household - wouldn't join in with our cooking rota, invited round a load of people who the rest of us didn't welcome, that sort of thing. Anyway, in the month I spent travelling with Matthew, he dropped out of university and started dealing drugs. I got back a week ago now and the the two housemates I'm close to got talking about it with me. A couple of days ago we handed a group letter to him saying stoppit-or-leave. It's not much, really - just me taking a stand to defend my patch, same as ever - but it's another reason to be annoyed at the world.

I can't ******** believe that I was with Matthew a week ago. A week. It feels like another world - well, it was; when we two touch, the world becomes something else entirely.

He said something beautiful to me yesterday, when we were talking on the 'net about my problems, the careless and fearless way I act, that sort of thing; "Believe me, love, the last thing I want you to do is start behaving exactly how I tell you to." I think that that's maybe what real love is...