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I've always wondered how much many miles my house is from my beloved's house. I remember onetime when I was a bit younger there was this globe I saw you could click any country in the world to another country and it'd tell you the exact miles from the capital to capital, I regret not getting that now lol.

I'm in this strange situation, I'm writing down everything I think, feel, say, or do that is of any importance to do me. It's helped me realize that this converting is what I want more than anything, and as a result I don't question myself anymore. I don't know if I'll start questioning myself again, but now I'm very calm, balanced, and comfortable. I have the man of my dreams in my life, what more can I ask for at this time? I'm frustrated with myself though, because the more I am comfortable with my choice, the less I study. It's just annoying how I go against myself so much.

I'm saving up for a trip to Israel, I want to get enough money, just no idea of what I'm going to do once I get there or how I'll get around. Everyone thinks I should just go on with a group on the trip then just not come back with them if I like, but that's the problem, I don't think anyone would allow me to go with them. No one but cathlics, and I'd rather slit my wrists, ho myself around, then swim across the ocean and walk my a** to israel as I die from blood lose than go with them. >.> bit extreme, but people I'm a writer you can't expect anything but the dramatic from me. mrgreen

My beloved's friend is counting down the days till they all go off to their little college, I find it.... interesting none the less. Here I am dreading the day he leaves, and another looking forward to the day. It's just interesting to see both sides of the story. I believe we've both agreed (my beloved and I) that we won't talk on the computer anymore while he's at college, we'll send letters and every now and then call over the phone. I want it to be like that, I like getting letters plus we'll both I don't know we'll appriate everything so much more. I think that's why couples get so frustrated with eachother and start to fall out of love, it's because they are always with eachother and they grow use to and begin to over look the small things, the things that you love someone for. I think every couple needs to have a chuck of time apart so they can get back to basics, or something... plus I really like getting letters ^.^ 4laugh

Everyone is pregnant around me, it's insane.

Finally, I need to talk to my parents while my dad is still in the country about this whole I need to be serious and they need to voice how they feel now conversation. Shabbos is ending really late (not till 11pm) now during the summer, and well once I turn 18 I'd like to really go back to being as pious as I was before and even more, but I don't know how to do that if I'm constantly trying to please them, trying to make them happy for as long as I can. This whole me moving to Israel to be with my beloved within the next 5 years thing is really guilting me. My mom probably doesn't like the idea of me moving to Israel, but to be honest... it's going to happen. At the very least I was going to move away from Omaha, and I can't ask my beloved to come to the states. It's just different there... the biggest thing is for me is how are my children going to grow up. I don't see Omaha being that place for them, I barely see America being the place. I know it will hurt them, but really after I convert I'll get married, and it won't be a politically correct double religion or no religion wedding it's going to be a jewish wedding, a no hiding it jewishing wedding, and do you really think anything will be okay after that? I know it won't be as bad I think, the people whom love me will be hurt and shocked, but they'll still love me. But then what about the thanks giving after i'm married and they invite my husband, me and maybe even my little 1/2 human bum catching a free ride in me kid there? What then? It's just too stressful, to hard, to many feet to step on, and call it running away, but that's what I'm going to do. I'll go Israel, so I won't have to worry about it as much. That is one of the advantages to moving away that i'm telling myself.

well it's 11.30 at night, I need to go to bed. That's my rant for the day.