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Kenji D. Illumni


Kenji Illumni
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Xfire: moving to
From Gaiaonline.com and Myspace.com

Below are a mixture of all of my past blog entries from either Myspace or from Gaiaonline, the format should tell you where it is from.

These are intended to be private, I have moved them to Xfire since I use and love Xfire far more than Gaia or Myspace *shutter*. So for my clan mates of whom read this, these blogs are NOT intended for you!

NOT INTENDED FOR ANYONE BUT KENJI03




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Utada Hikaru-Simple and Clean (Chi and my song)
I love this song, English or Japanese. The meaning is different for each, and it is such an ironic paralell of my life.

My beloved ex-girlfriend is Japanese and I'm american. The Japanese version of this song expresses how she felt about me, and the english version sings about how I saw her feel about me. Now that I look back.

Me not seeing how much she loved me since I was scared and hurt. Her leaving because she wished i'd see, but I couldn't. Like the english version. While the japanese version is of encouragement that it'll be ok. To love her and accept her as she is and that it will only get better.

This is a wonderful song and the singer is definentally a wonderful singer.



Kenji Illumni
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Kenji Illumni
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a bond, a link...
Breakthrough: by finding my carbon copy. We are rushing through love. We are becoming close with eachother faster than we can believe, because we are in reality discovering ourselves. We are learning about ourselves for real for the first time in 20 years.

This brings new meaning to the phrase: Two heads are better than one. We litteraly are two personalities of hte same brain. so much informatoin, too little time. We are living in the twighlgiht zone. She is me and I am her, we have lived the same life
i want to fix i want to heal i want to repair her. I want to fix the rape,t he anger,the pain. She wants me to love myself, I can't love myself. WE both understand this

I see everything. what we will be, what we CAN be. I can see that I wll hurt her and that she could forgive me, i can see how our whole lives can be. how I'll just die after she dies, how she'd do the same.




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Break Time
Umm... yah, I've been spending far too much time playing videogames. I realized this when after getting of work (night audit) I installed and played Gunz (a pain in the a** to install) from 8am-12:00pm. After my body twitching from lack of sleep, I slept. Woke up at 7 mad xpm and gamed some more. I didn't notice the time until it ws 12:00AM!

I basicially wasted my whole day off just gaming on a 2nd rate game. I didn't get to even hang out with my girlfriend because I was so 'busy' and 'focoused' on the game...

I think it's time for me to call a break. Unless i'm socializing with someone while playing, I need to stop for a good few weeks...

Just wanted to post my thoughts.

A note: I am well aware that playing GunZ did have some positives (like aleviating my stress) but spending time with a loved one does the same and more so.

Update on Hyatt
apparently the Hyatt I work for is not a real Hyatt, but instead a sublet of Hyatt that is run through the "Noble Investments" group. So that kind of crushes my hopes a little, but at least I can put on my Resume' -hyatt-



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Kenji Illumni
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Kenji Illumni
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Moving lent +3 / Rakas
MOVING LENT +3
Well, it's official now, I have my room in the format I want it in, now it's just lots of clean up. The moving process took a total of 5 vehicle loads plus around one more vehicle of miscilanious dispersed between my 4 other trips to and from Santa Rosa to Healdsburg. Pops really helped me in getting my act out. Boxing up all my loose crap (as seen in my old room pics) and getting them actually moved. While my mom helped me in getting my cleaning started. Although I really butt heads with her on HOW to organize, her basic ideals of organization are what I need to get myself moving.


Rakas
Now as per "Rakas" you pronunciate it with a roll like a cat purring. So think of it as "Rrr-ack-a**". It is a Finnish word and it loosely translates into "Dearest" or more closely "Dear". The reason I picked up this word is because I had a very special event with a very person. This person is very important to me and someone I have met on Gaia a while ago. She is older than me and she does all the things I need from a woman that my relationship with Veronica is not YET yielding.

During my time with my Rakas I cuddled with her, just rested my head between her chest, and was even allowed to suckle her n****e. While suckling her n****e it was totally innocent, I just did so because it felt right. Possibly as a symbol of my lacking of nurture as a child. Regardless, my Rakas held me and pet me while I suckled her n****e and even when I started to cry, all she did was silently wipe away my tears and hold me lovingly.

We did proceed to play around after that, and that is partially why I am posting this. Playing around is nothing new with my new found Rakas, it is me giving her an orgasm. Something she tells me she rarely ever has, especially with a guy. The more important part of why I am posting this has to do with that emotional bond that we had not had before. She has a boyfriend she is very commited to, and I am already very commited to Alana and Veronica. So it's not like she's going to be my new girlfriend. But she is someone very dear to me but different, hence why we call eachother our "Rakas".



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Letting go and moving on: Amber
I finally removed Amber from my AIM list. I had to beg her not to delete it when she told me the truth, I'm glad she did because I was able to tell her the one last thing I needed for closure.

I listened to push it by the band Garbage this evening. Amber had once told me it's her new favorite song, I never knew why until I listened to it after we had er... "Separated". The song seems to be about a gal that wants to leave someone who loves her far more or in a different way than she loves him/her. Amber, the girl I loved for so long, told me how she really felt through this song, and I am able to move on. I had listened to this song maybe 4 or 5 times after we 'separated' and the first time I got it. This is the one line that made me cry with joy and gave me total closure.

"I'm sorry that I hurt you, please don't ask me why. I want to see you happy, I want to see you shine"

So, I'm posting it so I may look back someday. Laugh with a smile, and move on. Just like I am today.



Kenji Illumni
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