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Well...I know I haven't updated in a long while...so I am updating now. I haven't written much or been on much because I have been in a big funk, not about anything done to me or the world. To put things into perspective: I love college, I'm relaxing on break, I'm excited about Christmas, my home life is good, and nothing is bothering me from outside sources. However, I am really getting on my own nerves. I guess my sexuality bothers me. It really does, it hounds me. I love women, they are wonderful and beautiful and sexy...I also like guys, their bodies and strength and want to be in charge...It bothers me because I am so awkward.
I can barely talk to girls, let alone guys, and transexuals are a whole different story. Plus I have a hard time figuring out if a guy wants me. It is a tough call.
Well, see, I am a little depresed because I've been single for a long time now...my last break up went smoothly, but it was long ago and well...I guess I am confused about what I want in a partner and relationship, so I began to examine myself. And it all went back to the time when I, to put it nicely, "Discovered" myself as well as some events with my ex.

1) I "Discovered" myself during the summer of my 11th year. Then, with my new desire I hit the internet and found porn as far as the eye could see. Tits, a**, pretty faces, v****a; it was all so new and so good. I couldn't help myself. Girl on girl fascinated me in so many ways. Then I saw a girls sucking d**k...and well, I said "I wish that was me" and never really thought about which end I wished I was on. But I said "What guy wants a guy when you can have her [in reference to some girl or another]." That though all changed, well, I guess it didn't change it just became more focused and clear. One day, purely and truly by accident, I found my way to a gay porn site with guys with huge [I mean enormous] dicks. I didn't leave, but surfed and continued to say "What guy likes this instead of girls?" That is when it happened...A picture of the biggest, hardest d**k I have ever seen in my life. I stared at it and in turn became very, very hard. So much so that I touched myself while, literally, drooling over the picture. I never forgot that picture or that d**k. From then on I actively sought out naked guys.

2) Years passed by and I had a steady girlfriend. She was a kinky girl. Really kinky [as kinky as she was mean]. Well, we were into buying porn together. Mostly straight porn and the occassional lesbian porn. Then one porn shopping day, I suggested we buy something different: Transexual porn. We picked out a cheap one, just in case neither of us liked it. We went home and watched it. We didn't know that it was all guys and trannies and no actual women. About 10-20 minutes into it she says "I had a wrong idea about this. I mean, I love d**k, you know that. I love it, but this is just too much d**k, without a girl getting pounded. What do you think?" She jokingly pulled my shorts down over my crotched and released my huge, raging hardon. She was shocked...and I was embarassed that she found out...she jerked me off to the images of multiple dicks while she made me explain. To which I said, "Well, I guess I love d**k as much, if not more, than you do."

3) Later on in the relationship we talked, which lead us to a new discovery. We bought her a strap on. Now we both got screwed on a nightly basis. The a**l sex didn't thrill me that much [since she was very rough], but I really, really enjoyed oral and handjobs, much more than she ever did.

These three instances really compounded my sexuality. I love women and all they have, but I really, really love d**k too.
It molded me to want something that seems hard to obtain. Either a woman that will indulge me in my perversions; I use the tem "perversions" because I feel embarrassed and a little ashamed of what I am. Or I find a guy or transexual, which will change how everyone here views me and changes how they interact with me...and in a world where I have very few friends, most of which are assholes, bigots, and various kinds of phobes, that option doesn't seem to good.
Plus, I really want to be with men/trannies [a lot of them]...but I have less courage talking to them than I do talking to women...and I can barely talk to women.

I just don't know what to do...I am very distraught and depressed about this.
Maybe if I had someone to go to gaybars with like a girl or another gay/bi guy.
...Any help, tips, suggestions, advice is more than welcome.