when going to church one time a while ago...
we were driveing and the light turned green.
mom normaly pulls out real fast ("like an idiot"* a quote made by my dad .___.* and reclessly.)
but this time she didint.
she started to but stoped...
she said.
"why did i stop?"
and about 2 seconds later a Guy in a Truck speed past us at about 60 Mph.
Ffs.
Ok, I Get it.
Yea. I know it was truamatic.
I know it should replay OVER AND OVER.
I ALMOST Got Killed,
but its like:
So what?
big deal, not like i asked god to save me.
ALL I SEE
is the guy
driveing and mom pulls out..
and im in the side seat
and i just get SLAMMED.
I UNDERSTAND WHY I FEEL LIKE THIS BUT,
Why?
WHY ME?
WHY DID MOM STOP?
WHY WAS I SITTING IN THE PASSENGER EVEN THOUGH I DIDINT WANT TO.
IS THIS SOME SORT OF GODS PLAN?
TO RECAPTURE MY ATTENTION?
(he's done it before, and it hurt cuz it involved some one i care about deeply)
WHY DOES THIS HAVE TO NOT MAKE SINCE.
why, why, WHY!?
im sick of the re-runs...
im sick of having morbid dreams
where the car goes by
and theres a black figure in it
a cloack almost
then i realise as it looks at me
BOOM its death
and suddenly
hes going by and mom didint go.
but his FACE REACHES OUT TO ME.
I STARE HIM IN THE FACE.
and like he came so suddenly.
hes gone,
I wake up in a panic. EVERY TIME.
Look, God if your wanting me to proclaim you, your greatness or something, then yes
GOD is good, hes exelent.
He does Great miracles.
(obvs he saved my life)
BUT
I DONT WANT TO DIE,
SOME TIMES I DO.
Sometimes I cant let go of life. so i Cant die when i want to.
but like last night with the 102.2 fever
and the "Nyquill narcotics" night
THE TIMES WHERE I CAN
where i can just turn over and breath my last breath and thats it.
THE CHANCE I BEG FOR HIM TO GIVE ME.
but when it comes.
I stay alive.
I tell him NO, Im here for a reason what do you want?
he always says
keep your focus on me.
NEXT DAY
SAME CRAP ALL OVER.
why cant i just LIVE...?
thegreenshurikenmonkey Community Member 
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