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BRAIN FREEEEEEEEEEEEZE whee *noms on Cookies -n- Cream Ice cream8

Honesty
[one] what is your natural hair color?
[honestly] Blonde

[two] where was your default picture taken?
[honestly] Default picture?

[three]what is ur midde name?
[honestly] Thomas

[four] your current relationship status?
[honestly] Complicated.

[five] does your crush like you back?
[honestly] I believe so

[six] what is your current mood?
[honestly] Confused, Tired and Horny....

[seven] what color underwear are you wearing?
[honestly] -looks- gray boxers

[eight] what makes you happy?
[honestly] Being around people that I truly care about and being able to talk about anything with them.

[ten] if you could go back in time and change something, what you would change?
[honestly] I don't think i would change anything. Cause if i changed something, I wouldn't be who I am today.

[eleven] if you must be an animal for one day, what would you be?
[honestly] A Fox ^-^

[twelve] ever had a near death experience?
[honestly] Does having your umbilical cord wrapped around your neck count?

[thirteen] something you do a lot?
[honestly] Sleep, Eat and breath... then there's the occasional though of how i can improve myself and ways to stop myself from doing certain things that annoy people.

[fourteen] what's the name of the song stuck in your head right now?
[honestly] Don't Matter

[fifteen] who did you copy and paste this from?
[honestly] th3realme

[sixteen] name someone with the same birthday as you?
[honestly] Hugh Hefner XD

[seventeen] when was the last time you cried?
[honestly] Last night

[eighteen] have you ever sung in front of a large audience?
[honestly] No, I get stage fright easily

[nineteen] if you could have one super power what would it be?
[honestly] Shapeshift

[twenty] what's the first thing you notice about the opposite sex?
[honestly] their eyes and their personality.

[twenty-one] what do you usually order from starbucks?
[honestly] I don't drink coffee, and their "food" is nasty.

[twenty-two] what's your biggest secret?
[honestly] If i told you it wouldn't be a secret. but i'll tell you this. I sleep with two stuffed animals at night. both of which are from my mate...

[twenty-three] favorite color?
[honestly] Red's Blues, Blacks, Purples and Greens

[twenty-four] when was the last time you lied?
[honestly] Probably a few hours ago?

[twenty-five] do you still watch kiddy movies or tv shows?
[honestly] I watch TV more then i do kiddy movies, but they're still the best.

[twenty-six] what are you eating or drinking at the moment?
[honestly] if you count saliva as drinking...

[twenty-seven] do you speak any other language?
[honestly]] No, but i want to.

[twenty- ???]

[twenty-nine] if you could describe your life in one word what would it be?
[honestly] Complicated

[thirty] when was the last time you gave/received a hug?
[honestly] saturday? May 26th 2007

[thirty-one] have you ever been kissed in the rain?
[honestly] if i have it was a LONG time ago and by a family member..

[thirty-two] what are you thinking about right now?
[honestly] Wanting to be by my mate's side

[thirty-three] what should you be doing?
[honestly] Sleeping i guess?

[thirty-four] what was the last thing that made you upset/angry?
[honestly] My mother continually pushing me about my monetary issues.....

[thirty-five] how often do you pray?
[honestly] Lately? a lot......

[thirty-six] do you like working in the yard?
[honestly] depends.

[thirty-seven] if you could have any last name in the world, what would you want?
[honestly] Redfield i guess.

[thirty-eight] do you act differently around your crush?
[honestly] No, cause i don't like hiding who i really am from the person I'd like to spend my life with...

[thirty-nine] name one song that reminds you of an ex?
[honestly] Bullet with a name..... we didn't leave on very good terms...

DEATH.....
It's such a trivial word isn't it? Until it claims someone close to you...
Then it feels as if your whole world is crumbling around you.... the person doesn't even have to be physically "Dead" for the word to apply....
it could simply be that the piece of them that you knew best is what has passed... or at the very least, lays dormant somewhere inside their heart...

And no matter how hard you try.... no matter how hard and immense you show your emotions by crying, by screaming... whatever.... you can barely get through to them, until they realize what they've done.... which could take days, months or even years.....

And by that time.... you're heart broken... you don't know which way is up or down... whether you should even continue on with life..... or whether you should even let them back into your life if they've decided to come to their senses and realize what they've done and what an invaluable friend they're losing......

But you know something.... it's only the weak that don't accept old friends back into their arms to become new ones again with a second chance... and it's only the weak who don't realize their mistake and never go back to the friend that they lost because they don't give themselves a second chance to do so....

No matter how many times someone rips out my heart and stomps on it..... they will ALWAYS get a second chance in my eyes... and my heart..... they will ALWAYS have the opportunity to reside in my arms once again.... as a friend... a companion.... a lover...


some of you may know what I'm talking about, others may not, because they simply don't care enough to know or remember what I write in these journals of mine...

No matter.... I've come to the conclusion that no one REALLY cares..... no one is REALLY willing to help you unless there's something in it for them.... no one is REALLY "able" to help you even if they "want" to or could.... no one is REALLY your "friend" because they will most probably turn on you and stab you in the back....
Even the friends you know that will not do such a thing, will still almost always be Listeners.... no one wants to act anymore and support their friends because they either have little or no money to do so.... and if they do wish to help they need a reason or explanation that's suitable for them because in reality it's "Their" money.... which honestly... is understandable... because money makes the world go round... regardless of whether or not you have all the money you could ever want of if you have no money at all and are the happiest person alive... money is still what this world feeds off of.... but again.... in all honestly.... no one "Owns" money.... the money owns them...

in the twenty short years of my life I've come across immeasurable amounts of greed from people.... including myself, I'm not even immune to it because it's human nature to be greedy... I know how hard it is to have nothing.... how hard it is to have nothing in your future to look forward to except the possibility that you'll find that elusive "dream job" and live happily ever after with the even more elusive "one you love"

I still have faith in love.... I will not give up on life willingly or without a fight.... though my body may say otherwise.... I've already found myself in the hospital once because of the turmoil and stress that emotions, money, and life has put upon me, and it's still taking it's tole even further......

The one I love has hate in her voice for me.... my job is a dead end... my family is corrupt and broken.... my friends and "Friends" all do nothing to help except give kind words and the occasional hug or "E-hug" which all seem empty now and don't do a thing for me but increase the already unsurmountable amount of pain and confusion in my mind and heart.....

But enough of that.... because no one will probably read this.... and if they do they need an "In Depth" reply in order to do so....
more then likely if i don't write this part in this entry... no one will even think replying.... not even with a simple "*hugs* I hope things work better for you"

because even if i said they don't mean anything..... it still shows me that people care enough to acknowledge that something is wrong and are willing to extend a hand in anyway way shape or form in order to help you get through it.....


I'm tired of the pain....
I'm tired of the confusion....
I don't want to continue....
But I will for you....
For you are my one and only....
My one True Love....
And I am your Guardian Angel....
Forever and always....
I'll forever take you back into my arms....
But only if you'll grant me that gift....
I'll Always wait for you....
Be there to guide you....
Be there to pick you up when you fall....
When you need a shoulder to cry on....
When you need a partner in crime....
A friend....
A companion....
A lover....
I will never abandon you....
For that is what true love is....

Why are relationships so confusing?
Not all relationships are like this one... but some are

One moment, you have the love of your life pining for you in your arms, the next they want nothing to do with you.....
then, after several days things go back to normal, yet there's a rift there.... as if something is missing in your heart, mind and soul.... then you realize that, that missing piece is what you used to have together... even though it's gradually filling back up, the hole is still there for now.... and you're confused as to what you can and can't do with them anymore.... whether a simple kiss on the cheek is too much, or if playful n** at the neck will cause a fight...

Love is a cruel, confusing and destructive feeling, and that cruelty can cause people to do some crazy, dangerous and out right unbelievable things (like sticking by the side of the person that's broken their heart countless times because they know it will work out eventually), because it's a type cruelty that people often seek out and want in their lives because it's worth all the pain in the world....

Some people don't believe so because they've lost faith in love.... but when you're young.... that's all you have is faith... faith that you will find that one person you belong to.... as well as trust and patience to deal with the cruel trials that the person you love may force upon you to test your worth in your own eyes as well as theirs....

I may only be twenty years old and have only had two serious relationships in my life (the second being the one I'm in now).... and I've successfully helped so many friends with relationship advice.... it's a wonder why i have so much trouble with my own....
I've cried enough tears to last me a life time because of the turmoil that I've been put through by myself and my loved one... and I still have plenty more to sacrifice in the name of this cruel thing called love.... because it's worth every second of it.....


From the heart and soul of a Love-stricken firefox
~Rayven Thomas Redfield

Why is it that the people we love sometimes don't trust us enough to tell us what's bugging them? Or if they do trust us, they just choose not to tell us about it.

Is it simply because they are afraid of being so exposed?
Is it because they are stubborn, and won't allow themselves to willingly feel emotions, let alone show them?
Is it because they were simply raised thinking that showing emotions was a weakness?
Or maybe it's some combination of many differing factors....

I'm so happy I have the patience to deal with someone like that, and I truly love her with all my heart, and I know she loves me the same way.... though sometimes I do wonder... just by how she says "I love you" over the phone... She sounds so sincere in person, and the majority of the time over the phone... but sometimes over the phone I can hear her waning heart, or disinterest in pursuing such a complicated relationship... it makes my heart weep to know that things may be dwindling between us.... but then we get back to normal and talk like we normally do about anything and everything and I can hear the happiness and love for me in her voice again

Both of us are willing to do whatever it takes to make things work. Including some personal betterment on both of our parts, and loads and loads of coping with what the other does that bugs us..

Both of us have our faults.... some faults are worse then others
My inability to quit asking if something is wrong, and my consistent repetitiveness when it comes to such things
and
Her inability to share even the minor things that are bugging her or frustrating her, and knowing when it's ok to cry when she's talking to me.

I'm learning to keep things in check as far as my problems/quirks, and she's learning to do the same with her problems/quirks

Shes a beautiful and outstandingly bright and independent young woman with a damsel in distress complex and I can't see myself with anyone else other then her.... and I hope that she thinks the same about me...
Yeah there are times that I've thought it would be better for both of us if it ended, but then again I see the happiness in her eyes and the honest to god love she has for me whenever we're with one another in person... and i can hear it in her voice as well...
I know when things are upsetting her by her tone and how easily she gets upset by the simplest little "arguments"... and when I ask her what the problem is she gets upset and then I push to find out what the problem is and it's just a never ending circle... which is something I really do hope to break some day... but it's going to take time and A LOT of patience on my part as well as hers

I've said countless times that I love her.... and I once said I was her guardian angel, made just for her from heaven... and I stand by that firmly... I will do whatever it takes to defend her and protect her, even if that puts myself in harms way...

I'd go deeper, but I think I've said a bit too much on my behalf.... and I think I should end while I'm ahead.
This journal isn't for sorrow or anger... just confusion as to how some people can literally tear away someone's patiences but still leave them with enough to continue to stand by their side till the bitter end..
It's not a cry for help or sympathetic words... it's nothing to do with a shattered heart, because mine is very well intact although cracked here and there.

I'm merely trying to piece things together for myself in my head....
Things with my mate seem to go downhill whenever we see one another in person and then one of us has to go back to our home several hundred miles away....

We're like two love-birds; happy, joyful and full of song when we're together, but near death when we're apart... when you can't so much as be a few minutes away from the person of your dreams before having to run back into their comforting arms and weep to be whisked away from the tormenting rhythms of the real world...


This journal is brought to you by the loving/sorrowful heart of a felines guardian angel......

OMG! my kitty's going to be coming to visit again so I'll be absent from the intarwebs for a week or so if anyone wants to get a hold of me.

Anywho! I'll try update everyone when i get back about my vacation with my kitty! <33

Take care, be well and live life
~Rayven Thomas Redfield

Just a journal to get rid of the last one cause the previous problems are now in the past and things are worked out between my mate and I.

I'll update this later when i actually have the brain power to do so.

Why is life so cruel?
Life is cruel because life is fleeting.... it's short lived, and most of all, absurdly painful....
that is, until you find a small tiny glimmer of hope that makes you want to wake up to see the dawn of a new day...

I've found that glimmer... and she's the love of my life.... we both have said that to each other many times, and i believe every instance of it.. we both love one another more then anyone that's ever come into our lives... I know this because she told me...

How cruel is life? I'll tell you how...
The love of my life can't seem to figure out if she wants to stay or go.... she can't make up her mind whether she hates me or loves me to the point of not wanting to let go....

We've broken up at least 5 times in the 6 years we've known each other, the longest time was for about a week and the shortest was the most recent at around 14hrs.... and every time we've ended up regrouping and working things out so peace can continue between us and we can go about loving each other like we used too...

the problem with this is.... each and every time we break up... I lose a tiny piece of myself, as well as a bit of the willingness that i have to make things work and to continue on living....

My sister brought up a viable point, though, and it is just that.... a point, and her personal opinion.... she thinks that my love is setting our relationship up to fail because she's afraid that it's going to in the long run.... and in that process she can't make up her mind whether she wants to continue with the relationship and watch it "fail" like she believes will happen, or cause it to crumble herself

and i can't help but believe that that's true... no matter how much i don't want to....

I'm tired of the ups and downs that this relationship has brought me... I'm tired of getting my heart ripped out and then gingerly put back in and the wounds sewn shut.... I'm tired of not being able to protect my mate from the world... I'm tired of not being able to understand what's going thru her head whenever she's upset because she doesn't choose to tell me what the problem is.... I'm tired of it all.........

But you know what? I WILL NOT give up.... I won't stop believing that the two of us can have a successful relationship.... I won't stop dreaming of having her by my side... I won't stop asking her what the problem is, even if she does get upset at me for it to the point she wants to hang up with me.... I WILL NOT STOP loving her.....

I know she loves me... and i know she wants to have things succeed and prosper between us.... but i can't do things by myself.... I can't make the pain go away by myself... I just can't and it's gotten so overwhelming that there have been many times were I've just wanted to give up trying and let her drift away like my last love... and I don't want to do that because I love her so much... and I know that if i do.... I won't be able to continue on with my own life knowing that it's just been full of pain and very little happiness... and knowing that what happiness you do end up finding is going to get ripped out from your grasp because you're "not deserving" of it.....

I'm not a religious person.... I honestly never have been... but i still believe in god... and i still believe that he's there to help someone when they need guidance....

WELL GOD! I NEED GUIDANCE! *sobs* I'm sick and tired of having to live my life alone and now that I've actually found someone that has said that they want to share their life with me..... YOU GO AND TRY TO RIP THEM AWAY!
You ******** wonder why I'm not religious.... you wonder why i don't have as much faith in you as my mother has....

well it's because I have NEVER gotten any kind of sign from you telling me that everything is going to be alright.... yet when my mother asks you if you're listening, you ******** go and move the god damned stars around to say "I AM"

How ******** twisted is that? you tell my mother that you're listening and the moment i ask you for some kind of sign to let me know that you're there and listening to my prayers or my sobbing requests for happiness i get nothing except blackness....

I want to believe in you so badly.... but i can't believe in you blindly like some people do if you don't show me that you're actually there and willing to help when one of your children is suffering mental anguish and considering suicide....
If it wasn't for the fact that killing myself would send me straight to hell, I'd probably have done it a LONG a** time ago....

This journal is not meant to get sympathy.... or to change my loves mind about her choices if she ever reads this.... it's just venting..... I won't be responding to any of the replies made here.... so please... don't expect them...