INTERVIEW WITH HROTHGAR
Alex: Hi folks, I’m here today interviewing a very special someone. That’s right, I have here with me today, King Hrothgar himself. Now sire, I’m here today to ask you a few questions about some not-so-recent issues of national importance.
King Hrothgar: Yes, of course, go right ahead. My people have a right to be informed…after all, freedom is one of our most important virtues.
A: Uhm…I thought Anglo-saxon virtues had more to do with loyalty and stuff.
KH: Oh yes, of course, that’s what I meant.
A: Well if that’s what you meant, then what does that have to do with people’s right to be infor-
KH: Off with his head!!
A: AUGH!!!
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Bill: Sorry about that folks, I’ll be here today replacing Alex to interview Hrothgar. So anyway, my liege, what of this whole Grendel problem, please inform the less observant about the full extent of Grendel’s troublemaking.
KH: Absolutely! Well as most of my people know by now, Grendel’s troubles have mostly been his insatiable appetite for them. He just refuses to stop munching on them. Men, women, and children are just no match for his unstoppable cravings for human flesh! He’s also caused millions of hogs in damage to royal property. But his worst crime by far…he ate my secretary!! Now how am I supposed to get my morning coffee!?!
B: Right, well anyway-
KH: HOW!!??!!
B: Riiiight….well anyway, your highness, why do you think that Grendel causes so much destruction?
KH: Oh, well that’s a long story, you see it all started a long time ago when Grendel and I use to be best pals, but then…oh yes, then…HE STOLE MY CHOO-CHOO TRAIN! That’s right, the fiend stole my choo-choo train, but I got back at him, oh yes I did, I retaliated by taking his tricycle and running it down a cliff…but I don’t wish to bore you with the details, I just think that he’s held on to that same bitterness that drove him to steal my toys from all those years ago….all five years ago…and now that I’m king he wants to just eat up all my people so that I’ll be the king of nothing…after all, what good’s a king without his people.
B: Ahh…so humble sire, but that’s why we respect you so much. So on to the bigger questions, how have Grendel’s actions impacted the economy?
KH: The economy you say….hold on, let me get one of my servants to hand me my dictionary….thank you…e-co-no-my…Oh! Yes! The e-co-no-my…well Grendel’s destruction has caused quite a lapse in our e-co-no-my. After all, with all the people being eaten, there’s no one to buy as many goods anymore, or sell them, he eats shopkeepers too, he’s not an incredibly picky eater…although he still refuses to eat my wife…
B: Yes, don’t we all…and how has this all affected the national security and feelings of people’s safety?
KH: Why that’s just downright silly! How do you THINK people feel when everyone they know and care about is getting eaten!?! But seriously, it really has affected how people are viewing their government and safety. Many people for instance, have taken to crime, petty theft, assaults, the tensions are really high around here…Hey, my wallet’s missing!
B: I apologize about that Sire, but I do have a wife and kid to feed y’know. But on to our next question, how has this impacted your personal life?
KH: Surprisingly, not by very much…actually, things have been relatively the same in my personal affairs. My wife doesn’t talk to me and continues to sleep with many other men, and my kids have been eaten, so…actually things have been a bit better….for me though, not my people.
B: Well, since your people are in such poor shape, what do you plan to do to fight off this menace?
KH: Ah yes, well, I’ve been working on that for quite a while. My first plan to attack him head on was less than successful…I lost two thousand men. My second plan to attack him head on again thinking that my first plan had weakened him a bit was also not quite successful…another two thousand men. Then my third plan to give in to his demands was just-
B: P-pardon me Sire, but what were his demands?
KH: Oh, he wanted me to surrender myself to be eaten so that he’d forever leave my people alone, but I was just like f*** that, my people would never sacrifice their king just for peace and happiness to reign once more. Besides, it would get my fancy royal robe all dirty to get eaten.
B: Wait! You mean that this entire disaster could’ve been avoided altogether if you had just-
KH: But anyway, I think my fifth plan will be successful…
B: And what exactly would that be….Sire?
KH: I’ll just let my best soldier Beowulf handle all my problems.
B: Beowulf you say?
KH: Yep!
B: Do you think he will succeed at bringing down this monstrosity after all you’ve attempted…and failed...to do?
KH: Absolutely! Beowulf is my most trusted and strongest soldier, if anyone can do it, it’s him.
B: So you think Beowulf will succeed then?
KH: Absolutely, he’s our last hope. But like I said before, he’s very strong…and tall and muscular and rugged…and sometimes when I have nightmares, I like to pretend that-
B: Okay! Your majesty, next question….(wow)….So, if Beowulf succeeds, what do you think will happen and what will you do to help rebuild our civilization?
KH: Well, I think that less people will be eaten on a daily basis…yes, that one’s a definite. And I plan to use all my resources to help with the repairs. Also, I want to implement a universal health care system, FOUR MORE YEARS!!!
B: Wow, that’s great, so what do you plan to do if Beowulf fails though?
KH: …oh….well I never really thought about that to be honest…well, I guess I’d flee the country and shoot myself or something…with a bow and arrow that is, I know that guns haven’t been invented yet and won’t be for a long time to come.
Messenger: My liege, Beowulf has just defeated Grendel…he tore his arm off and Grendel ran away crying and screaming like a little girl who just had her arm ripped off!
KH: Splendid! That’s wonderful, wonderful news. We’ll all have to celebrate now with lots and lots of wine!
B: So Sire, how do you feel now that Grendel has been defeated?
KH: What are you, an idiot? You just sat here and watched me rejoice.
B: Yes, well, ahem…it has been quite a pleasure your majesty. I just have one more question of top importance to ask you.
KH: Well go right ahead.
B: Sire, this question has boggled the minds of your people for a very long time.
KH: Well go ahead and ask it then!
B: What is…your favorite color?
KH: My favorite color? Why this is by far the most difficult question you’ve asked me since you started this blasted interview…but my favorite color…why that would have to be…hot pink!
B: Excellent Sire, and I thank you again. (Weirdo…)
Messenger: AUGH! Grendel’s mommy has come for revenge!
Grendel’s Mommy: Groar! I’ve come to avenge my son’s death!
B: Oh my gods! AUGH!
KH: Ah f***!
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(This article is dedicated to the memory of Alexander Smith and Bill O’Reilly who lost their lives in the process of this interview)
