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In my world that constantly spins I stand still to watch it pass me by. Even my world is not my own as I am a bystander. The world seems so cold as I sit still feeling my body go numb with each passing second. Everything falls apart into shades of grey until soon it turns to a blinding white and I wonder if I have died in my time on the sidelines. The world is so quiet, so blinding, yet I can't make myself walk away or close me eyes. I wonder why I can't speak as people pass me by yet I hear some alien voice speaking threw my lips. Am I not even real? As time goes by the only thing holding me to this world is that same alien voice. Hanging on each word I sit and wait, always watching the world threw what I found is both our eyes. We are one being and I know this in my heart. When she hurts I feel myself wanting the blood of milliona yet I have no real body. Why dose she cry when she is alone I wonder. How I wish to protect that voice that holds my sanity yet she is falling apart. If only I could speak to her. Just a mere whisper to her subconcious that I will seek revenge Against all who have hurt her. How dare they hurt her? Do they now that they have angered a beast in there insolence?! She is mine As I am hers and she will be teasured not by a man but the one being who has always been beside her and felt each pain as if it were my own. I will protect her for she is me and I am her will to live as she has been my sanity in this world of white madness. Dressed in pureity and innocence I will spill the blood of the evil that is called man.
Dagger in hand I wait on the sidelines as each heartache kills her, in turn it is killing me as well. What is there to do when all you can do is watch threw alien eyes and whisper words of encoragement and retrebution? When she cut her own flesh with the blade of a razor it is my soul that she is scaring for life. How many diffrent words or names has she carved into her skin for my knowlage? How many times did she have to engrave the word love onto my heart before they see how much it kills her?
She is a simple human being and I am... I am just a shadow in her life who has lost all sane thought toward this world she lives in. I have become comfortably numb in her body creating my own little world in this white oblivion. Planning my next move while I wait to take center stage. When I am free I will not cry, nor will I be hurt. Instead I will laugh at there pleas and stain this white world red with there blood. I am no normal human being but something else. I am a being of death and massicure, of a world that is not fair and where I sat helpless. Yes one day I will be free to fullfil my promise and when that day comes every being will bow before me as I stand before them.
Plead and cry there innocence till there lungs burn and there vision blurs with tears. I will have no mercy for that I promise... As time went by my erges to spill blood slowly came to simmer as I found the one soul that I knew could not be alive. One being alone could calm my termoil and the body in which he resided was one in which she fell in love with. Confusion soon emerged in my numb body as it wanted to stir to life as hers had in there pressence. Why can't I allow myself to feel those feelings?
As I allow my fanthomless eyes to wonder down to my soul there are four letters that stand out as red as blood. Glowing there over where my heart should be I see that single word; love, and remeber. Life is but a game so i cannot get hurt, Nor will she. My sanity is on the verge as I am set free for a few hours of freedom. A few drinks and clothed in white silk I feel my body being pushed forward into the shell of hers. Why dose she run away? Is she afraid of the man who stole my heart centeries ago?
" It is wonderful to be free and to feel my body again." I whisper while hiding in the bathroom. This moment of freedom is what I have been waiting for, yet why is it I cannot bring myself to punish all those who have hurt her? Of the thousands of names and faces I have etched into my memory I am powerless as I am free to walk an breath.
Stairing at the face in the mirror as she has a million times before my eyes stare at the one feature I know, our eyes. So dark and full of life... One more night of behaving is what I will promise. Though a small amount of punishment is in order as I watch my eyes till the door closes behind me.
He has been gone for so long that he needs to remeber who's heart he left standing on a battlefield. "it is nice to be free" I repeat when my lifes form a challanging smirk on my face. Een though I know he will not be happy with me I search for a single sharp knife only to be rewarded with a laughing voice that holds the woman I knew and loved so many years ago. She hands me a knife from the kitchen and the games soon begin as he is instantly angry with me.
Sighing on the inside I feel relief to know he still cares. "it's just one knife and I promised not to hurt anyone with it." I reminded him with the best form of innocence I can create after so many years of plotting how to turn the world into my own personal bath.
" I know you won't because your putting it away right now" he all but comanded yet still the cool metal handle remained in my hand. The tip of the blade lightly pressed against my finger tip as I spun it. Who was he to say what I could or could not do? Just bacause he was once the man I loved didn't mean he could comanded me.
His eyes went cold and dead as he told me and I had no choice but to obey. After all my curse is that I can not go against my word, neither can she. So I sit fidgeting and watch as the two men drink.
Again in sence I watch him and my last memory of him falls threw my eyes. It feels as if I am back in that time. The dirt below my bare feet and a gentle breaze tugs at my red silk dress. What a color to wear on the day I wish my love well in battle; the color of blood. My hair had escapes it's pins and was in tangles of silken curls from running to catch him before he left. How did I fall so far behind?
Even dear vodka could run faster than myself as she reached my love first. Sometimes I fear her instead of for her but that night I was the one scared. I was going to lose everything I knew it. That is the day I became twisted and corupt. With that one final kiss that was sweeter than the purest love I fell apart as he walked away. I didn't cry, vodka would never allow me to forgt it if I had. Instead I smiled and watched him dissapear into the distant sound of gun fire and screaming.
"rychelle...rychelle.... Rychelle." a voice called to breK me from my memory. I didn't even notice that my eyes had watered And I was on the brink of tears. With one bat of my lashes I reconized my friend and soon laughed as th men were having a shot drinking contest, to acdc thunderstruck none the less!
My laughter was forigne to even my own ears. One was drunk and on the verge of spilling there guts to the porcline god while the other was still explaining the rules. Maybe this new world wasn't as bad as I thought though I didn't know how my love would betray both me and her with his words.
My laughter was forigne to even my own ears. One was drunk and on the verge of spilling there guts to the porcline god while the other was still explaining the rules. Maybe this new world wasn't as bad as I thought though I didn't know how my love would betray both me and her with his words.
His heart was clouded as I looked threw her eyes. It was so cold during the simple walk to the store, the others wanted munchies and we offered to go. Any alone time with him was worth the chill of winter that spread the earth. Though during the walk back we talked of things that should never have been menchioned. How could even someone as old as me know that those few words would soon be the downfall to yet another heartbreak that even i could not stand. Since my love had fallen into the shadow world he lived I let her have freedom again and fell to watching from afar again.
"you should try anything that would allow you to get a full nights sleep" her alien voice spoke.
" I can't. I have nightmares though there is one thing that will let me sleep..." he trailed off, a sign I should have seen. What was blocking me from seeing that he was more than confused with a clouded heart?
"well the. Do it, you need the sleep Hun." she spoke again. Her voice so full of confidence.
He seemed to hesitate longer still until he finally spoke. "I know it is corney but if I talk to a stuffed monkey I have then I will sleep peacfully. Only thing is everything I tell it will get erased from my memory, and by morning I won't even know who I am let alone you."
Why couldn't I see it when even she knew what was coming? "but I want the choic to be made by you." he said calmly freezing any thoughts in her mind and mine. Forget everything? The times they had made love, the tears he had allowed her to see, and the tears she had shed in front of him.
When her voice finally came out it was filled with worry and fear but he wouldn't notice and I wonder if his other side would notice? "I do t want you to forget but you need sleep, is there any other way?"
He just went silent and soon even my vision blured with both our tears. Did that mean my love didn't want to see me either? Wanted to foret everything about me? Here I thought I had already lost all feeling but now I felt empty and truely cold. Even the stabbing chill of winter night couldn't penetrate my numb mind.
" if you don't want me to, I won't" he tried to make up for it but his words were already spoken and dug to deep to be recovered.
Slience stretched between the two and I didn't know what to do. I promise her time Ne time again that I would protect her and bring a slow death to all those who hurt her yet I couldn't hurt this one man. He held the love of my life within his body.
Instead he slumped to the snow as she stood there feeling my numb take over her heart. He was rambling about how he didn't want to go inside and warm up and just wanted to think but I was to lost in the shambles of white around me. What could be such a blinding white anyway? It wasn't heaven that was for sure or I would feel my body fall to peace instad of wanting to scream and tear myself free of this insanity.
By the time my thoughts had come to a halt we were I side as she held a knife in her hand, hiding in the bathroom where I had not to long ago stood staring at our reflection. She had sunk to the floor and was drawing her silken pant leg up to reveal more flesh. "I feel so cold I can't get warm..." she whispere to the air not knowing I was alive and heading. The thought made me laugh as she thought I was part of her imGination. Though soon my laughter fell silent to that of screaming. Again she was engraving one word into he body, so deep I doubted it would heal. Love. The red lines across my heart shone bright with fresh blood and soon thAt single word covered my body from the neck to my ankles. I wanted to cry but I willed myself to hang to he pain and tried to take as much of it onto myself. Deeper she carved those for letters as my white prison became stained with the blood of her pain.
Where hers ended and mine began was a question I couldn't fanthom. My body curled in on itself as it was my soul that was being torn to shreds. My heart and hers were one which made the loss so much harder on her.
I didn't want to forrget or to hurt this bad as this was all supposed to be a game. Why did it have to be so real? I could take much more as I convisled turning my soul a single red dot in my world of white. The hunger for blood was returning as she continued to cry alone in the bathroom. The blade had fallen from her grasp and I was able to stand.
Drenched in both our blood I just watched the world and vowed vengence. After waiting so long I had him within reach of my hands yet again my reach fell short. How dare he just leave me again as I had loved only him for so long... So many years of this white insanity, always waiting and always wanting his comforting touch. So many lives and so many different hers and finally I find him. She remebers my memories this time and hears my whispered please to smile even when her heart is an open wound.
There have been to many nights where I sat in the shadows of her mind with the hatred of centeries building with each day. She fears it when I sit awake and just watch her thinking it is the doing of demons or she is haunted. In her eyes i am just a being that haunts her and watches her constantly. I don't allow men to touch her as of recently and scare away any who come near. She is so young Nd innocent to the darkness or the things that hide in it.
No instead I wait and watch her as she manages to free herself from the sorrow gripping her heart and goes back to him. She may smile but I will not. There are four letters that cover my body that remind me of what he has done. All may be fine with her but I will steal myself for the day that she chides to fall away to my world. I know that day will be soon...
(( part got deleted by accident gonna have to wait a while for me to rewrite it till then here the next part))
People avoid me on the streets. They look at me with disgust and loathing. I wonder why, why do they look at me as if I am the plauge in human form. I feel the darkness in me and it begs me to scream at the top of my lungs. It's so cold and it hurts... Yet it burns as if I am set on fire. Threw the center of my chest it hurts and it makes me want to weep. So many years I cried and so many times did I see that knife as an tool of release.
I don't want to die but I need to make this pain go away. Each cut is deeper than the last and each is a scar on my heart brought to the serface. How can such small marks hurt so bad yet feel so good when they scab over and soon with the remaining scar I feel as if it dosent hurt me anymore.
In the darkness I am afraid. There are eyes watching. They look at me with a dark hunger for blood, and I wonder if I am going insane. Whatever, whoever, is hiding in the dark scares me and anyone who dares become close to my heart. Every man that has come near me has hurt me and it has all but broken me. I am so fragile yet there inside me I hear soft whispers that can't be a voice. It tells me of how every being that has hurt me will fall to just hands in a bloody masicure. That I have to be strong and hold my head high.
Who is there in my darkest core? Who promises me a will to see the sun rise with a smile on my face when I feel it's pain and here it's screams within my chest? Why is it when I look in the mirror all I see are my eyes? When I do my makeup I want people to see my eyes first,
decorating them with black white or green when they are such a odd shade of brown. So dark yet so light. Mudy yet clear, they are always changing color on me.
Up until grade ten of high school I didn't feel so lost or scared of being alone. Then that winter I was whisked away with my family to watch my grandmother as she slowly took her last breaths. That is when I became lost, an empty shell.
Hallow inside I came home; broken. Any atempts at love I once had were thrown aside. I found new friends who it felt I had known for eions. Until then there had only been one who didn't feel like a stranger...
Two people stood out and called me back to life. One girl who was sweeter than candy and a boy who stole my heart with one glance. Yet I couldn't love him, even as we grew closer. Year after year I fought against him and forced myself to love others. Year after year they all broke my heart. I tried to love the. And it hurt more when all my hard work failed and I felt myself falling apart.
Again there was that voice in my head. Always whispering to me about things I didn't want to think about. Bloody massicures and prolonged torture were the tails it told me. They were the things showed to me in dreams.
I didn't want to sleep and did my best to stay awake for days at a time on minimal hours of wl needed sleep. Everytime I shut my eyes the world I knew just fell away and dissapeared. I would watch people die and the world became a sea of blood. There were so many nights I would wake up crying and have to force myself to stay awake. The eyes that watched me from the shadows of my room were cold as ice, and I was terrified. Full of menace as if I had killed all those people in my dreams, yet I am just a bystander who is helpless to do anything but watch.
I am not her, I didn't lead all those people to there deaths. Though I do feel sorry for her, pitty her even. She is as helpless as I am. Lead into battle by faulse illusions of hope. Each time she cries for those fallen around her, becoming a robot with each life taken in a sea of blood on the battlefield.
Some days I wished I was like her. Strong, merciless, menecing and cold as winter itself. Dressed in the innocence of white she smiles and laughs. She dose what she wants without fear. Although things weren't always that way for her.
My first dream of her was when inwas a child no older than ten or eleven. Her bade feet hit the dirt ground with her elegent dress pulled up the her knees as she ran. Her lungs burned for oxygen and she was covered head to toe in sweat. Trees flew by in a blur as her only thought was tonsee him one last time.
When she found him she couldn't breath and the sight of her childhood friend in her lovers arms was like a knife has plundged into her heart. She wanted to see him so badly that her eyes stung with tears. Her hair was full of ringlets like my own and many stray sections had fallen free of the many hair pins keeping it. Though her eyes were so dark and warm it seemed as if she breathed a thousand lifetimes of heat in one glance. Even down to her flowing dress of a flaming red was stunning.
They all spoke in a laungage I didn't know existed before that moment, yet still I couldn't understand what they were saying. Only names were comprihendable to my sleeping mind; Rychelle, Vodka and Zeal. Once they had finished there good byes each one hugged the other before they all scattered apart to leave. She was wondering when she had given him her heart and how he still held it in his hand when he turned to leav for battle.
"Zeal!" she yelled after him at the top of her lungs. How could he leave her there when she so desperatly needed him to stay? That was all she wanted was fir him to stay.
Instead he turned to face her and I couldn't see his face. One hand reached to her flaming cheek as she fought the edge to scream, cry and beg. His touch was feather light as it touched her cheek in a lovers caress. Sparks of fire set her blood boiling from the contact of his long fingers. That is when I woke up alone in my room with the feel of his hand on my cheek lingering. A child.
Since then I have never been alone...
I never stopped to think what that night was. All I knew at that age was that I was not alone anymore. There was something there that held my every thought and nagged at me to do something. I was always cold and couldn't get warm often and as time moved forward I learnt to adapt. I did t touch people and I built walls to keep everyone out.
I was the sarcastic girl who took nothing seriously and remained that way most of life. I didn't want to thonk about how the dark was alwYs hiding something that had once been like me. I just wanted to keep going, bottling all my fears and tears up until I couldn't stand it. Every day I ended up in my room alone and crying when I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs and do my best to hurt eerything and anyone near me.
There was no cure for this...disease. I wondered threw each day just thinking about how I was alone in the crowd. How I felt so empty and scared, yet I held my head high and kept moving forward. There was always one more step to take one more morning to wake up.
I don't know how but we changes places, this being inside me and myself. I hurt so bad that couldn't stand more than a few minutes in my own body. I don't know when but came to know that being as a second me. It was her, from my dreams. She would be able to take my place as I hid inside my body.
Curled close I closed my eyes as often as possible. I didn't want to be real, did t want to open my eyes. All I wanted was to cry and scream, and pick up that knife and cave that single word into my body again. Over and over again I wanted to. The last one was healed and scared on my leg, just above my ankle, but I still hurt. This time the pain did t go away with the healing marks. Why wouldn't it go wlaway?!
Everything was so bright as I held myself and let me tears fall. No one could see me and no one could touch me in this world. I was alone and completely broken. Why was everything so bright, it hurt my eyes.
Or maybe that was the tears that blured my vision. Time passed by diffrently in this world I didn't even know that this place existed inside my own body. Everything was so white and so cold. I felt eerything falling apart inside me as I wasn't exactly real in this world. I was covered in scars as If someone had taken pleasure in dragging hot metal across my body. Stripes and words were eerywhere yet I had no real body that I could see. I knew I was naked and laid bare as I curled tighter and held myself tight,yet I couldn't see my body.
I didn't want to open my eyes for fear the ters would continue to blind me. I wanted to be held yet I didn't want anyone near at the same time. I was cold with a burning pain and I was confused. This world had nothing and everything at the same time. All th more reason to keep my eyes closed. I wanted to be like her, and never let anything touch me again.
I didn't want to hurt or cry over one man. No I wanted to just dissapear. How many times can I let myself fall apart to the point of no return and still continue to smile. How long do I have wait for this cold to go away. Why did it have to be so white?!
Anger burned inside me as let my body fall away and soon just was. Why should I always allow myself to be hurt, wwhy do I even care for that k e man? He was no one special, in a way...
He had average grades average looks but he shone brighter than the sun itself in front of me. Maybe it was his native blood? His eyes were so dark and warm, as if he had seen a million lifetimes in the few years if life he had lived.
Though he was tall and only had two sets of emotions. One day he would be either high and happy or low and depressed. He never let any of us in his head so we couldn't tell what h would do next.
So why do I love him? When did I start loving him so wholly. When was it that he slowly started to slip from my grasp to the point that he would t touch me or look at me? So many questions I have but in this white oblivion... But I have plenty of time to think and heal.
I doubt anyone would notice the small changes in me thy meant she had pushed forward. I changes who I was to often for anyone to keep up anyway.
 Today Tomorrows Yesterday · Mon Dec 06, 2010 @ 09:10am · 0 Comments |
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