I just wanted to copy and paste this from Deviant Art. Dunno why, just felt a need to:
Heh, feeling really stupid right now. I dunno why but I just feel like all kinds of irreversible stupid at the moment and it's bothering me. I watch a lot of youtube video's and the other day Tyler Oakley made a video about talking about what was bothering him and said that sometimes you just need to spill your emotions. This Journal entry won't be Deviant Art related. Stop reading if you don't want to. I don't mind.
I have been hopelessly stressed out for a long time. I haven't been able to get unstressed like normal. Usually I'm pretty easy to please and pretty flighty about the world but right now I'm just sort of not. I'm unhappy and lonely and I'm totally done with where I am in life right now and anxious to get on with life, I'm sick of myself. I suck, I am boring. It seems like everyone is nothing but mean to each other lately and it bothers me a lot. I can't stand watching people be cruel to each other, it bothers me to my core and make me really unhappy to see others upset. I can never help when someone is upset. I don't know what I'm going to do with my life. I have no drive. There is nothing I want to do. Everything is just bleh to me. I'm hiding things from my dad and I can't tell him any of it. I can't tell him I like girls, I can't tell him I don't believe in god. I don't even think when I'm out of the house I'll be able to because he's the uber religious homophobe and I'll never be able to tell him any of that. I am not suicidal. I have hurt myself before but my friends that noticed I had got so upset with me it scared me out of it at the beginning of the year. Mostly my friend Matt who I love more than anything, he got the scariest about it to the point where for about two months I was living in fear and almost started crying in class numerous times this year. In fact I did cry at least twice this year, once because my friend John stole my wrist band which I'm totally scared of because I have this Nero-sensory (sp?) Thing about wrists and I chased him and was crying and that was horrible, and then later in the year I asked my Advisory teacher if I could go take a math test that I didn't have a test for and he freaked out on me and yelled and pretty much blamed the incompetents and lying trickery of my entire freshman class on me, and my friend in Japanese were amazing about it an gave me hugs as I was bawling because I had already so much built up stress inside me that was trying to crawl out that I just broke down. Even Sensei noticed my eyes and face was red from crying. She is a very strict teacher but she obviously had feelings and was concerned about me though. I've just been like a constant time bomb for months and months ticking away ready to blow. I miss 8th grade. I had a girlfriend, I was happy, my friends cared. Sure I was often gossiped about but I enjoyed it. Sure this year I have haters and I think that's great and all but honestly I don't know them and can't think anything mean back at them. One of them calls me crusty for gods sake, what the ******** does that even mean? I shower every damn day. Theres just been to much tension, sexual tension, tension to date, tension not to date, tension to tell people things, tension to not. I'm ripping myself to shreds every day and it's getting to the point where it's horrible.
I had a dream the other night to that scared me badly to. It was like I was in a video game, and I hate fighting so I was avoid these things this guy was telling me to because they're dangerous, and then one was in my way but it wasn't attacking so I was confused but I just didn't want to deal with it so I started stabbing it and slicing at it with this knife I suddenly had and then it turned into this long haired blond girl and she wasn't fight back, she was crying and just standing there. Before I knew it I was crying and telling her to fight back as I was standing there slicing at her and I felt horrible and finally I stopped and was hugging her telling her not to die and how sorry I was and I kept apologizing over and over because I had just broke this poor pretty blond girl. Then I had to go somewhere and the dream changed and some other stuff happened then I was on a motor cycle with my friend Matt who I mentioned earlier and it was like an old school video game and He was driving and I was smacking bad guys with a purple guitar. Then it was back to normal and we got off the motorcycle and everyone was saying he had got me pregnant and that it was wrong and they were saying we were somehow important or something and everyone was looking down on us and it was all people I went to elementary school with so it was extra emotional baggage and finally I broke down and was on the floor crying and Matt was coming tword me as if to comfort me and then I woke up.
The first part was what tore me apart. The way she was just standing there while I was hurting her was haunting. I woke up and cried.
I've been such a baby and I'm sorry for this entry if you bothered to read it. Really sorry. I'm done now. I feel a little better. I might add more if I remember more but that's pretty much all of it. Thanks, sorry, bye.