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Starting when I was in middle school, I was two things. One, I was bullied. A lot (granted I was bullied my entire life, more on that later). Two, I have been stoic since at least then. I can pinpoint it to when my aunt died. I had never met her, and had no emotional attachment to her. My mom, however, obviously did. Knew her her entire life. Fond memories of being chased around with various objects down the street where I now live. I had none of those memories, so I didn't feel. I did, however, know my mom felt for the loss, so I was there to comfort her. An embrace does a hell of a thing. I remember my mom's eyes, filled with tears of the loss of her sister.
Since that time I have been the rock of the family. Even when my dad has been brought to tears, I have not. I had to force myself to tears when my grandfather passed. My family thought there was something wrong with me, which only made me angry. Of course Jeremy had to appease the family. All the time. *sigh* I don't mourn like normal people do. I simply keep the happy memories I have made with the person, and continue to live my life. It's what they would want. It's what I would want.
Nowadays, people mistake that stoicism for me "bottling up" my feelings. All that does is make me "feel" mad. It's like they try to get to know me, but "see" that I have a lot of "bottled" emotions, judging by my lack of ... facial expressions? I don't even know. Perhaps it's the way I present myself? I like to think I sound happy and cheerful. Hell, people have commented on it! "oh wow you sound nothing like i thought you would" "really?" "yeah!"
I simply do not feel some emotions. I have no need to. They aren't emotions that I need for the simple reason that they detract from what I want in life. I'm not going to explode suddenly one day and start going postal on everyone and everything. I'm not going to get married and somewhere down the line punch my spouse for no reason. Do I blow up sometimes? Yes! Everyone does! It's part of being human - blowing up on people! But I do it with my words, not my fists. Or gun. Or knife. Or ... anything else!
Past mes, such as when I was still in school, didn't have the control I have now. I am capable of controlling my emotions way better now than I ever did in school. I was quite a violent child back then, but that was the old me.
I am in control of my emotions now, and I choose not to use some. It's that simple.
PS: I'd really like to stop hearing about your sob stories about being bullied. Everyone has been bullied. Everyone. Even bullies. By their parents, or a teacher, or someone bigger than they are.
The deal with bullies is that they're everywhere. At school, at home, at work, everywhere. Your sob stories probably match up with mine. I once had a backpack full of milk splash on me. I've been jumped, often in front of a teacher, and people just laugh. People have said the nastiest, most grotesque things about me. I've been called names, beaten up, the whole nine.
Man the ******** up.
Seriously.
-DV1200
 Decavolty · Thu Aug 04, 2011 @ 12:45pm · 0 Comments |
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