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The Chronicles of You b*****d: The Magnificent Bard pt1-5
The village square was often quite on Sunday afternoons; most people would be huddled inside their homes and relaxing away the stress of a long week of toil. But on every second Sunday, at around 5:23 in the evening, the square would explode in a flurry of excited peasants and curious nobles alike. They would gather from the reaches of Toolus on the far side of the valley, they would pack in from the isolated burrows near the foothills, and nearly every citizen of the village proper would plunk themselves down around the fountain and await another gripping tale from the Magnificent Bard.
A man called You b*****d.
You b*****d always started his tale time the same way; he would step lively to a music only he could hear and prance his way to the fountain in the middle of the square. He was lively for someone one hundred and thirty years of age; even for a Half-Elf, that was not young. He would leap to the top of the fountain statue (a Celestial who cried the foutain's water) and sit atop its head. A snap of the fingers and his banjo appeared; and then he would sing:
One day in the city of Watershed
An Elven noble came to satisfiy
A need that sprung from his "other" head
He traveled a lane all lit up in red
And a brothel he did find
Storming in he shouted loud
'I demand to be served.'
He puffed his chest mighty and proud
However in walked ol' Maggie McCloud
'I'll give ye what ye deserve.'
With a crack of a whip, and a punch in the face
Ol' Maggie, Ol' Maggie O
She ran that pissant all over the place
Ol' Maggie, Ol' Maggie O
She rode him hard, and she rode him long
Ol' Maggie, Ol' Maggie O
She did things to him even nymphs find wrong
Ol' Maggie, Ol' Maggie O
Spent and sputtering the noble said
'I've not had such fun in years.'
With a kiss on the hand, pat on the head
The noble paid, turned and fled
Back to the land of his peers.
Months go by, and wouldn't you know?
Maggie is with child!
Nine monther pass, then I show
Eyes ice blue and hair black as crow
Then my ma got fairly riled
Scream and yell, 'You ruined my life!'
Ol' Maggie, Ol' Maggie O
Tenth birthday she stabbed me with a kitchen knife
Ol' Maggie, Ol' Maggie O
Dad never came around to see his son
Ol' Maggie, Ol' Maggie O
When I was sixteen away from home I did run
Bye Mommy, Bye Mommy O
"...and do you know what she called me?" he would always ask, and the crowd would yell in a resounding chorus:
"YOU b*****d!"
On that particular Sunday, You b*****d was retelling the tale of his first advanture. All for the benefit of the Dwarves that had made the long journey from the Ironvien mountains just to hear his legendary tales (not that they were about great heros and daunting quests; the tales themselves were legendary).
"Well," said You b*****d, as he sat atop his celestial perch, "It all started the day I lost my pants..."
Part Two: A Tale of Two Titties
You b*****d was starving. It had been three long weeks since he had left home, and for the last few days he had been without food. Not being much of a survivalist, You b*****d figured a sack full of sweet bread would get him through the days walking to Hammerfall. Unfortunately; sweet bread is, by it's nature, a dessert that is none too nutritious, and You b*****d found himself selling his pants (the only expensive thing he owned) to buy more food while only ten days out. Hammerfall was the closest city to Watershed by hundreds of miles, but the journey was still thirty days on foot.
You b*****d would be cursing his hometown for being so far away from any real civilization, but he was much to busy dying to really worry about such things.
He had been crawling for the last mile or so, barely holding on to consciousness, when a carriage pulled up to a jerking stop beside him. At first he thought it was just another Corpse Snatcher looking to make a buck off his carcass, but instead of a creepy looking human dressed in black mortician's clothes, a robust woman in a tight fitting pink pettycoat burst from the carriage and knelt beside him.
"Oh! You poor, wretched...stinky child!" she exclaimed, wiping road dirt from You b*****d's forehead. She glanced the pantsless young man up an down, and a devious smile spread across her lips. It quickly disappeared as You b*****d started coming around. As he opened his eyes and began to beg for food, what he thought was large weight baring down inbetween his shoulder blades turned out to be something else.
"Please, I'm so hu-OLY HANNA, WOULD YOU LOOK AT THOSE!" You b*****d forgot about dying for a moment and stared at his rescuer. She was well-rounded (voluptuous as some might say) and definately far from ugly. She carried herself in the fashion of nobility. However, You b*****d found it uncanny that she carried herself at all, for her breasts were easily the size of Orcish babies. They bobbed and throbbed every time she spoke or moved, and You b*****d had a hard time concentrating on anything else (horny young lad that he was), even his hunger.
The lady appeared either not to notice his drooling adolation for what his ol' brothel buddy Hadwick called 'sand-draggers', or she was so used to this kind of boorish attention that she had gotten used to it.
"You look starved to death, lad. Why don't you join me in my carriage and I'll share a meal with you." At the sound of the word 'meal' You b*****d's head shot up to meet her face for the first time. It was then he noticed that this noblewoman was not only not ugly, but down-right gorgeous.
"Duh-uh I-uh...food yes...pretty...nipples...duh-ee?" He managed those few words as well as a healthy string of gibberish.
"Oh my! Your hunger has you raving! Quick now; get in and sit down." She was motioning for You b*****d to climb into her vehicle, when the coachman finally spoke up.
"Miss Henpeck, do you really thing your father would approve of adopting stray Half-Elves? He might have the Red Rash or Green Wart. Is it really worth the risk?"
"Well, Nolan, I'm not going to let someone just die in the roads. And besides-" she grinned, looking down at the boy's visible undergarments, "-I'll find out soon enough just what ails our new friend," she ushered You b*****d into her carriage. Miss Henpeck glanced at Nolan the Driver and gave him a knowing wink, "And I'll also find out just how to make him feel better."
With that she shut the door to the carriage. Nolan the Driver sighed in disgust and whipped the horses into motion again, heading for the city of Hammerfall, and You b*****d's destiny...
Part Three: Painful Employment
Hammerfall was a massive city. Nearly three hundred miles end to end, it was the biggest city in this part of the country. Needle-like towers pierced the sky in all directions, and tall stone and mortar buildings lined every street. There was, of course, a slum with smaller, sadder looking dwellings, but even these homes looked richer than the richest home in Watershed. Nolan decided that it would be best to drop the little hitchhiker off in this part of town; his pantless presence would be less noticeable.
You b*****d stepped out of the carriage and on to the cobblestones with sweat dripping from his brow and a large dung-eating grin on his face. Miss Henpeck leaned out of the carriage and handed You b*****d a small coin purse.
"This is for you to buy some new clothes and to eat for the next few days while you find work. Don't tell my father about this; he would be livid to find out I've be fraternizing with poor folk," she winked and handed him another, larger bag of coins, "And that is for the...entertainment you gave me. I'll never forget your virtuoso performance."
"Miss Henpeck? We really should be going now. This part of town is dangerous for our kind, even in the daytime." Nolan warned from up on his perch.
Miss Henpeck gave him a dirty look and continued, "You have a real future ahead of you, You b*****d. You have a face for entertrainment, and the...talent for other...jobs," she winked again and You b*****d blushed deeply, "If you can't find employment in this town, then you're just not trying hard enough. Even if you can't get a job on stage or rogering randy nobles, adventurers come through this town like a rugby team through a woman of ill repute. I have faith in you, and hope to see you again one day once you've made a name for yourself. Farewell, You b*****d!"
"Thank you for your hospitality," said You b*****d as the carriage started to move again, "And for your companionship. You wouldn't fair too badly in a brothel yourself!" Before she could respond to this, the carriage picked up speed and was already turning a corner. Miss Henpeck was gone.
Hammerfall at last! You b*****d was excited; he had never been outside of his village before undertaking the journey here. The first think that struck him was the smell; a putrid stench of decay and human filth. It was the smell of civilization, and he took in a deep choking breath of it. The second thing that struck him was a messenger on a horse. You b*****d was flung into the gutter, but as luck would have it a pile of soft garbage broke his descent.
Wow, he thought glancing after the hurrying messenger, My first run-in with a bad driver. This place is excellent! You b*****d spent the next three days getting himself established; he bought a flashy new set of purple and orange clothes (fashion sense was not his forte), and began applying at any an all places he could find that would employ him.
In his first day he was fired from three jobs; as a dung-shoveler, You b*****d found himself in a pickle when he learned he was suppose to cart the feces away, rather than simply dump it in the public rubbish bins; as a tavern waiter, You b*****d was nearly arrested for murder when he accidently gave Dwarven spirits to a Kobold that was allergic to alcohol; and as a scribe for the local court, You b*****d found himself in trouble yet again for reading back his personal writings rather than the actual proceedings of the court (the judges don't take kindly to being called 'fat-headed, sleep inducing malcontents').
The next day was much worse; six more jobs, and he proved to be incompetent in all of them. He even hand to spend money on regeneration at one of the temples after cutting off his own hand working in the butcher shop. All seemed hopless until the third day.
You b*****d had only sixteen silver coins left. The silver he could feed and lodge himself with for the next week or so, but after that he would be back to poor. He walked passed a row of shops, muttering and feeling sorry for himself, when a sight in one of the windows made him stop dead in his tracks.
You have a face for entertainment, Miss Henpeck had said, and looking in the shop window You b*****d finally knew what he was to do. He rushed into the shop, plunked down three silver and pointed to the item in the display. The shopkeeper shook his head and sighed, but walked over and grabbed the item. Handing it to You b*****d, the shopkeeper had a sudden flash of intuition (it happens to most Elves from time to time); This boy will rain chaos on the land where ever he goes. The keeper shook his head and dismissed the thought.
You b*****d looked at the banjo he held in his hands with wide-eyed wonder. A minstril that lived near the Forgoten Dock near Watershed used to come to the brothel to play for the patrons. He played a banjo much like this one, and You b*****d used to watch him play with rapt facination for hours on end. Maybe he remembered a few chords.
The melody that drifted from the banjo wasn't perfect, but You b*****d was plenty surprised at how much he remembered just by watching. The shopkeep also seemed surprised that the boy could play so well. You b*****d then thanked the shopkeep and bolted from the store.
He had finally found his calling in life; You b*****d was going to be a bard...
Part Four: Dungeons and Drag Queens
The going was tough, but You b*****d was beginning to make a name for himself. Every day he played the same street corner, and ever day he made more money. It was just a little at first, two or three silver a day, but as he played his skill grew exponentially. After a month he was making five gold pieces a day. He was making enough in a week to feed a peasent family for a year, and he was loving every second of it.
At first he simply played the tunes that the Minstrel of Forgoten Dock played back home, but eventually he began to grasp the music. Soon he was writing his own notes and lyrics and quickly became the talk of the town.
With his newfound riches, You b*****d decided it was time to spend a little and live a little. He bought an enchanted Banjo that, with the snap of his fingers, appeared or disappeared; paid for rigorus training with the rapier (can't be too careful when you're rich); and then to top it all off threw the biggest bash the Boar's a** Pub had ever seen.
It was during this party that You b*****d met his first adventuring party.
As cliche as it sounds; yes, he met them in a bar. Four figures stomped into the Boar's a** from the outside, brushing dust from their hair and clothes. The party lulled a bit as patrons turned from their drinking to eye the newcomers, but things kicked back up to full swing as You b*****d belted out another of his tunes:
Listen well; listen good
And I'll tell you a little tale
About a man named Herman Krud
Who was as big as a whale
Herman Krud, a butcher's son
Dreamed of lands far away
But through the door he couldn't fit
So home he had to stay.
O' fatty fatty, look at you
O' tubby tubby, mound of goo
O' porky porky, run some laps
Then adventuring you could go perhaps
People came from miles around
To see the mammoth man
They'd stare and make gasping sounds
Children turned and ran
Then one day Herman had his fill
He busted through the wall
But he forgot he lived on a high hill
To his messy death did he fall
O' splatty splatty, puddle of goo
O' Herman Herman, look at you
O' yucky yucky, he went thud
And that was the end of Herman Krud
You b*****d sang and danced his way across the stage. When he finished the crowd roared in laughter and thundered applause. He took a bow and jumped down from the stage.
"The next round is on me, but I need to take a break for a second," He said as he slid up to the bar, "I'm trying to write a song about Viktor over there, but the only thing that I can think of that rhymes with 'kissed his sister' is 'incest blister'." The crowd roared with laughter again (even Viktor had a chuckle).
You b*****d bellied up to the bar and ordered two shots of Elvish Tulannil (a 'kick you in your arse' powerful liquor) and a mug of warm Dwarven lager. He was washing down his second shot with the beer when one of the strangers sidled up to him.
She was beautiful. Her skin a silky white tapestry of perfection, her eyes crystaline emeralds shining from her face, her hair a river of red fire flowing down to the center of her back. She wore a leather jerkin that fit tightly on her lithe body, and a belt of tools and throwing knives hung loosly around her waist. You b*****d was stunned into silence (a rare occurance for him) as he stared at this firey beauty.
"You've got quite the set of lungs on you, bard. How long have you been playing for?" Her voice was low, but sexy. She traced a finger down the side of You b*****d's face.
"Uh...duh...I uh...blarg?" Stammering gibberish was all that came out of his mouth.
The woman sighed and beckoned him to join her and her companions at a nearby table. They certainly looked the adventuring type, but also a little strange.
"This one on the right here is Giget, my partner in crime before we started out on our adventures," she pointed to what could only be described as a midget Halfling. The girl was most definately Halfling, but instead of standing at the regular three feet this one was, at most, a foot and a half tall. She eyed You b*****d with a mean looking scowl as she toyed with an equally mean looking throwing needle.
Giget the midget Halfling, he thought, there's a song in that somewhere.
"This one here is Aduun, he's our brute and my occasional lover," Aduun was big for an Elf. Check that; Aduun was HUGE for an Elf. He stood at nearly eight feet tall and bulged with muscles. His dark face was an ugly mask of scars that hid his normaly fair Elven looks.
"And this one...this one is a b***h," The rogue girl eyed the robed figure with obvious contempt, but made no other comment.
"Harvey! Please don't cause trouble with her again, my sweet." Aduun pulled the rogue close, away from the robed...
Wait a minute...
"Harvey?!" You b*****d nearly shouted. A few patrons looked around at them, but payed no other attention, "But...that's a man's name, isn't it?"
Harvey smiled, "Of course it is silly. You wouldn't give a man a woman's name, would you?"
You b*****d blinked. He stood where he was for a moment, dumbfounded. It took him a moment for the realization to click. He slowly started to back away.
"Hey, uh...I'm not really into that stuff, so I'm just going to be going on my way-" A hand shot out from the the robed figure's sleeve and yanked You b*****d into a nearby chair.
"SIT!" she (maybe he; You b*****d couldn't be sure anymore) said, "Pay no mind to the crossdresser's games. You come here at MY request, not his." With that the figure pulled back her hood and revealed herself. If You b*****d thought the tranny was beautiful, then this woman was a goddess; straight, violet hair so dark it was almost black framed her angular face; her delicately sharp chin and nose were smoothed over with the palest skin You b*****d had ever seen; but her eyes were what enchanted him the most. Staring from darkened sockets were two orbs of pure black. It was a blackness that engulfed the soul, and You b*****d had trouble averting his gaze.
"Oh look Aduun; the bard is smitten." Harvey laughed, and if You b*****d hadn't been enchanted by the dark goddess, he finally would have noticed Harvey's adam's apple bobbing up and down.
You b*****d made a gurgling noice that couldn't even be considered garbled communication. The robed woman simply continued to stare at him coldly until he was finished.
"If that's all you're going to say don't even try to talk," she snapped, "I am Omnicia Tulvaxes, Hynd sorceress and nearly the last of my kind. I have employed this band of-" she looked at them in disgust and Giget responded with a flip of the bird "-'adventurers' to help me track down and catalogue the remaining members of my race. If you are not familiar with the Hynd, then you are too young or grew up in a hick, backwater town where no real news of the outside world reaches."
You b*****d was about to confirm the hickness of his origins when she cut him off.
"Shut up; I'm talking," she snapped again, and this time she held out a warning finger. Don't you screw with me a*****e, that finger said, "About a hundred years ago, the Hynd and the Orcs fought a great war. Both races sought to control the Darkside mountain range and the ruins of the Ancients therein. However, one result of the war was the sealing of the catacombs that led into the mountains and ultimately to said ruins, and so the whole point of the war changed. It went from a war of aquisition to a war of vindication. The Orcs nearly wiped us out, and now here I am; one sorceress seeking out the tattered remains of a once majestic people." A tear could be seen welling in her eye, but she banished it back through sheer force of will.
"Sooo," You b*****d finally found his words again, "What is it you want from me m'lady...I mean ma'am...I mean Miss Tulvaxes?"
She sneered slightly, "Not too much; seeing as how you fall to pieces while simply in the presence of a woman...or a cleverly disguised man," she shot a reproachful glance at Harvey. Harvey stuck out his tongue in response, "All I want you to do is keep track of our travels and do the actual cataloguing of my bretheren. I will pay you ten percent of the value of whatever we scrounge during our travels; same as what I'm paying them. Do you think you can manage that without killing yourself?"
"I guess so," You b*****d said, confused and not entirely sure if really could manage that. He had no idea what he was getting into, but the thought of going on an actual adventure, of gathering stories and legends of his own to sing to the world, was too much for him to refuse, "Ok, I'll do it! When do we leave?"
"Tomorrow, bright and early," said Aduun, snatching a loaf of bread from a nearby waitress and growling at her when she protested, "So you better quit your drinking and get some sleep. We have quite the journey ahead of us."
Part Five: On the Road Again
You b*****d still couldn't believe he was going on an actual adveture, with real adventurers. They had woken up at four o'clock that morning, ate a hardy breakfast, and were on the move just as the sun was peeking over the horizon. Before they left town, Omnicia purchased a horse (if you could still call it that) for You b*****d so he wouldn't slow them down. It was a ratty old grey mare; missing most of it's teeth and even more of it's marbles. Twice You b*****d had to coax it into walking a straight line rather than in circles.
Five minutes into the journey, You b*****d broke into song. It was a haunting number from a genre You b*****d created himself. He called it 'The Blues'.
One day I woke up
Got myself out of bed
Fuzzy blanket on my tongue
Church bells in my head
Went to the mirror
My eyes red as rust
Looked back at my bed
Began to swear and cuss
'Cause I slept with a troll, baby
Too drunk to know any better
I slept with a troll, oh my
Can't even remember how I met her
I retched and ralphed
Pulled out some of my hair
I pondered and wondered
How I could stick myself in there-
"THAT'S ENOUGH!" Omnicia bellowed over her shoulder at the bard, "If I want to hear lude tales about sexual misadventures I would eavesdrop outside of Harvey and Aduun's tent at night." Her cold glance cut through You b*****d like a knife and he obediantly snapped his fingers. His banjo disappeared in a puff of smoke.
"I liked it, Omnicia," Harvey said, almost whimsicly, "It reminds me of old times." He gave Aduun a nudge. Aduun said nothing, but he wore a face of awkward uneasiness. Giget grunted merrily, but otherwise remained as silent as the big elf.
"Soooo, where are we going, exactly?" You b*****d enquired.
"We must travel through Ravenfall forest, and when we reach the other side, we will turn south to Morieth," Omnicia stated absently, "One of my close family members escaped to there to start a life for himself. I only hope he's still there."
"You think he's got a line on any other Hynds in the area?" Aduun asked.
"He might. I'm not sure eveyone that survived the war is keen on finding the others. When you live as long as we do, one hundred years isn't such a long time to stay in hiding." Omnicia replied.
Harvey took his attention away from a long bank of flowering bushes to join the conversation, "Just how long is it that your people live, Omnicia? I know the Elves can live to be as old as a millenium, and Half-Elves can live to be half that age, but you speak as if your race lives forever."
"We do." Omnicia replied.
"Do what?" Enquired You b*****d.
"Live forever." The rest of the group just stared at her for a moment, waiting for something more. Omnicia said nothing else.
The rest of the day went unevenfully past them as they rode in relative silence (broken only be the occasional lyricless tune by You b*****d). They had reached the Ravenfall forest by the last dwindling light of the day. Immediately upon stopping Giget began fiddling with a strange set of contraptions she had packed away in her saddlebags. The bags must be magical in nature, for the contraptions were quite large; nets and pulleys and ropes and bars. Before long, Giget had the entire perimiter of their camp surrounded with a series of gadgets.
"I swear, sometimes I think that girl has some Gnome in her," Harvey said, plunking down beside You b*****d. He read the puzzled look on his face and smiled. You b*****d had to remind himself again that behind that beautiful woman's smile and green felmale eyes was a p***s hiding somewhere, "We were being followed along the side of the road. I didn't mention it because I didn't want to spook our prusuers."
"I still think we would have appereciated that info, love," Aduun grunted as he yanked the night's dinner out of his own magical saddlebag; a long strip of venision sealed in a magical field, "And what makes you think they aren't still watching? You just made the point of not telling us anyting while on the road a moot one."
"Oh my silly little swordsman," chirped Harvey, "Remember what I did before we left on this adventure? Giget and I have the keenest eyes from here to Baldenfort. Our shadowers dropped back once we made camp; probably to prepare for their assult tonight. I hope they have fun with Giget's traps." He giggled.
The party ate a gigantic meal prepared to perfection by Aduun. Omnicia quipped that he had the female touch for cooking and he blushed fit for a tomato. You b*****d inched himself closer to Omnicia during the meal. He wanted a chance to talk to her. He wouldn't admit he was 'smitten' as Harvey had pointed out back at the bar, but he also wouldn't deny it either. He had never met a woman who intrigued him as much as the dark sorceress did. His own carefree and gereally joyous attitude was shadowed by Omnicia's gloom, and he couldn't help but feel troubled as he got closer to her.
You b*****d was suddenly assulted with negative memories of his whore of a mother; being hit with an Ungball stick, burned on the stove, being locked outside during the winter, and, worst of all, being told he'd grow up to be nothing but a useless nobody. He began to snivel a bit; he fought back the tears as best he could. He had always kept these feelings inside, burying them under his unnatural good cheer and comic smart mouthing. For them to come out now, as he was trying to open up conversation with the most beautiful woman he had ever seen, would be disasterous.
Omnicia was starteled out of her silent reverie by the approaching bard. She wiped a tear of her own out of her eye and turned to face him. She immediately noticed the upset look on his face and blushed. It made her look all the more beautiful.
"Oh, I'm sorry." she composed herself and instantly You b*****d felt the negative feelings vanish. It was amazing; one moment he was tearing himself up inside, and the next he was wondering what made him bring up those silly old injuries. He glanced at Omnicia questioningly.
"How did you do that?" He asked in wonder.
"Well," Omnicia blushed again. She was not used to someone paying so much attention to her, especially considering her normally gruff demeanor, "The Hynd are a very emphatic race. If I'm not careful with my stronger emotions, they can spill out and affect other people subconsciously."
You b*****d was facinated, "So you can make a person murderously angry just by getting murderously angry?"
"Not exactly. The person picking up the emotion must have a source for it inside themselves. In other words; if I am to make a person murderously angry, they must already have a predetermined source for that anger," she explained. She looked into his eyes for a moment, and he though, for a split second, that he saw actual concern in those black pools, "You seemed to be feeling quite upset just now. You must have some skeletons hiding in your closet."
You b*****d was starting to feel tingly, This is the longest any girl has ever talked to me! I better not screw this up.
"I had a...rough childhood, to say the least," He leaned a little closer to her, "However; if you were making me sad, you must have been sad yourself. Is there anything you'd like to talk about?"
She began to tremble slightly, "Yes...there is one thing I've been meaning to say..." She began, but suddenly shook her head. Her eyes took on that former hardness that You b*****d had come to recognize as normal. She sneered and spat, "...and that is to stay away from me if you have any strong emotions of your own! I can keep myself in relative control, but if I have a bout of strong feelings I don't want to endanger my mission by having the lot of you doubled over with empathy. This goes double for you, bard." Her eyes flashed and suddenly You b*****d was on his back several yards away. The magical push was painless, but landing was most certainly not.
There was a snapping sound to the left side of the camp, followed by a rushing woosh and a sproing. This was followed by whimpering and muttered curses.
"Gotcha." Was all Giget said as she rushed to see who she had caught in her trap...
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