Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

We had to put Scamper down today sad she has been sick the past few weeks and was looking really bad.She was hurting, so I had to make the decission to put her down. I know it was the best thing, but I regret it so much already. I miss her so much, and will for a long time. This is actually the first time in my life I haven't had a pet of some kind.

The past few days I've been spending time with her, trying to make things easier on her. Made sure she had absolutely no doubts she was loved. I wish I could change a lot of things that have happened over the years, but I'm trying to not dwell on the bad. She is resting now, no more pain. I know she was trying to fight to stay with us, but its probably better this way. I just hope she wasn't scared when she went.

Well I've been recieving secret santa images, and before my sig becomes overloaded, I wanted to make them viewable to everyone, so I decided to make a journal entry heart Thank you guys so much for your gifts, they really mean a lot to me.

First sleepless night I've had in a while now, since maybe early April, and January before that. The pain in my heart that I can't overcome keeps dragging me back. The same thoughts on the same person still running through my brain tormenting me. My dreams are gone, now I just have nightmares. Whats worse than having them is the fact that dying in them no longer bothers me. Lately it seems like I'm welcoming it. neutral I haven't felt like this in a long time, and I owe it all to one person. As much as I've tried to move on from the pain you've caused me, it creeps right back. You show no remorse for the hell you've put me through. Now all my problems are just piling onto the hurt you've caused. And yet, through all of this, I still think you are wonderful. I can't hate you for realizing what I tried to hide for so long, that I'm completely worthless. I have no value, just a resource to discard when no longer needed. I've been used a lot in my life, and I know i have a lifetime of being used to look forward to. The only thing that makes it stand out is the fact it seems like you went out of your way to mislead me multiple times. Yet through all my pain, I never gave up hope, and still haven't. Though lately, my hope, as well as my grip on reality, have started to fade. Every day I feel less like myself and more like an empty shell. I just can't help but wonder if your happiness now was worth putting me through all of this neutral I know I should let go and move on, but no matter how much I try, I can't back here, facing my broken dreams. I'm going to lay down now, and try crying myself to sleep, something I've done a lot lately.

I got back from Vegas a little while ago, and finished unpacking a few minutes back. First off I'd like to say I missed you guys so much. I'd see someone who looked like one of my friends and wish it was really them sad Safe to say I felt really lonely, though I did try to make friends and have fun. That was a mistake. So many rude assholes there neutral Guy's who think they can have any woman they want, and women who think the world owes them because they are prettier than others. Kind of like the 3 girls I saw going into New York, New York right in front of me. One of them had a tag sticking out of her shirt and I thought it would be nice to let her know this. I then proceeded to listen to the three of them insult me while walking and talking to each other neutral

There was a reoccuring theme I had going on about music. During the 4 days there, I heard the song "You're Beautiful" 17 times sung by various people. Twice when leaving the Luxor and going to a neighbor casino it was the last song i heard leaving and the first one I'd hear getting there 10 minutes later. The other song that was constantly overplayed was Dancing Queen, which is in the musical Momma Mia. That play is on at an MGM hotel, which there are 8 of on the strip, so 8 hotels are advertising it. Of course, it just plays the chorus, which I had to hear at least 50 times

The trip was really frustrating. Whenever we'd try to plan anything, my mom wouldn't make any choices at all, and my dad's solution was to run to the bar while we figured something out, then go find him there, and try to tell him what we are doing while he plays videopoker. Of course, the bar is loud and he mumbles, plus wouldn't turn around to TALK to us, so he would just get into a foul mood when we'd have to have him repeat it. Tuesday morning was kind of nice, not too much arguing or anything. We went to a few nearby casinos, then took the tram all the way up the strip to go to the NASCAR Cafe my dad wanted to go to. Then the bickering started about things being too expensive. We got back to the hotel and changed for the wedding, then got in a cab to go. Got there and the camera was again dumped on me, so I was taking pictures of everyone (no pictures were taken of me at the wedding btw). We head back to the hotel where we are supposed to go to dinner with my brother and his now wife, plus her family. We are talking about where to go while my dad again goes off to the bar. Go to get him when its decided we are going to the Mandalay Buffet. Dad isn't hungry and wants to stay at the bar, argument follows. He finally grew up and came with.

Since i had walked there twice already while trying to figure where everything was at, I lead the group to the buffet. Was a little waterfall thing that everyone got their picture taken at (again, except for me). We go in to eat, and my dad wont eat because of the price. So we ate, he went to find the bathroom. About 30 minutes later he came back saying he won $140 on a penny slot. Awesome, but he was supposed to just go to the bathroom, not play games. So we got back to our hotel and talked about what we wanted to do. Mom wanted to go do something with dad, dad wanted to go to the bar, I wanted to go to New York, New York. So I went off there while they talked out what they wanted to do. Got there (would be when I ran into the 3 bitches. Teaches me to be nice. Then I went and did something Anlina suggested I do, I went to the Big Apple Bar and actually had a good time. Talked to some people there, listened to the band, had fun surprised Left there eventually and went back to the Luxor, where I ran into my dad who was at the play bar. He had already lost all the money he won earlier.

Wednesday morning my parents went off to do that timeshare thing to get our free tickets to the show (we chose Lance Burton at the Monte Carlo). I walked around to make sure we knew how to get there (which was worthless since we ended up taking a cab). I explored the MGM grand for a bit, then went back to the hotel. Ran into my mom who talked about the tickets, and went to find my dad (guess where). Then had to find my grandpa at the penny slots. We talked, and decided grandpa and my mom would go do something, and me and dad would go redeem the tickets since what we had was just a reservation. We went and got the tickets, came back and got ready. While mom was getting ready dad went, yup, to the bar. So got him and had to find grandpa again, then went to the show (which was really good btw). After that we went to the Bellagio to watch the fountains. Well, they watched, I was taking pictures, so I didn't get to enjoy it much. Then I was supposed to head down to Treasure Island by foot, but that was over a mile away and my feet were killing me. My parents wanted to go also, so we went to Caesars and got a cab to TI, where we met up with my brother. He, Lindsay, and myself then proceeded to head to the Fremont Experience, another sight suggested by Anlina heart It was like... Bond film taken a step further surprised I enjoyed it wink

Thursday was the Hotel tour. We went to the Mirage, Bellagio, Venetican, Circus Circus (which is getting really run down), and Hard Rock (which was like the peak of the trip for me). After that we all split up. Me and mom went to New York, New York, then went shopping across the street. Found a lot of cool stuff there that I would come back to buy later. Also got some free Coke Blak, their new mix of cocacola and coffee. Its actually really good. Since the plane was leaving early Friday, sleep wasn't going to be too helpful for me. I stayed up all night, went to the Big Apple again, then walked to MGM Grand, then to Mandalay, then all over. All I have to say is, my feet and legs are so sore now.

And then there was the irony. Getting off the plane into the tunnel, there was music playing... Dancing Queen...

So to recap. 99% of people there = a*****e. I'm the only person who can work a camera. Luxor was nice. I need to drag Anlina next time because everything she suggested I enjoyed. Free tickets rock. I don't want to hear Dancing Queen for a long time. And I'm about to fall asleep again since I only got 3 hours on the plane.

I'm going to be gone from the 15-19th in Las Vegas for my brother's wedding. I'll try to take some pictures for you guys