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Consumed by deep needs.... |
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I thought i'd use this journal to entail my relationship with my fiancee. I thought i'd devulge the history surrounding our relationship...but then i grew bored of the idea.
Though, today i'm plagued by thoughts...thoughts i'm really not supposed to tell "anyone."
Okay, at this point, i'm officially engaged. I've got the rock, that whole deal. Planning a wedding, working on a visa to go to the states and be with my sweetheart. I love the guy, i really do.
Two things have happened inthe last 6 months to change my point of view on this relationship tho. And before I go any furhter, No, i don't love him anyless. At least, i don't think so. I respect and care for him just as i always have. Our relationship has matured into this thing that is no longer sweet and innocent. (no matter how much i wish it'd stay that way) It's now real and ours. Love isn't always passionate. The best love can be more likened to an evening by a warm fire, snuggling up with the one you love, drinking hot chocolate and hiding from the harshness of the outside world.
I guess these days i feel like i don't see the guy i met and fell in love with. I see everything else surrounding it. The gravity of this immigraiton, the massivness of marriage, the overwhelmingness of being inducted into a catholic family....I met someone totally different than what i have now, sometimes i feel. Not totally different in character, but symbolizing something different than i expected.
I don't trust him like i used to.
I think that about cuts to the chase on one matter. We're two different people (as is everyone else out there) and he's had to come to understand who i am. Who i am is different than what he's understood in his life. I've got a tattoo, I'm not catholic, I've dabled in paganism, buddhsim, and read up on new age activities. In fact, i've got a diploma in alternative medicine. Sometimes what i think he's fallen in love with was just the whole geek part of me, that he wouldn't consider that there was more. I can kinda understand where he'd have a bit of a time trying to understand. I mean, he grew up in a happy catholic household. Nothing disappointed him, he loves his family, there couldn't possibly be more than that to comprehend.
I tell him one little secret that i have never told anyone else....something that really is embarassing and secret. And he acts like i'll fall off that sanity wagon at any time. This to me, was a loss of trust. He questioned me, he lacked understanding, he made me feel like a fool. And that, I never forgot. I've had other people do alot worse to me before i really got hurt. But he, he's the one i love, the one i want to spend my life with, and it hurts to think that he'll never understand me, or the fact that it may *take him time* to understand or to suck up and relax about it all. HE should accept me for who i am, and it shouldn't be so hard to do that. But it was, and that made me sad. I guess i should give him points for trying though. I just know..that between that and all the arguing about that and every other thing that comes up, it feels like these differences of opinion have punched holes likes swiss cheese into our relationship. It's sad when i use such an anonymous forum to really get it all out. I have to admit though, the last time i saw him a month ago, i felt a little more tense about being with him. all the little things that have been argued and draged out about our relationship, and more invaisively, about me...has changed the shading in our relationship.
I only hope that things will get better.
I"m afraid they won't, i'm afraid that our differences (or more appropriately, what he finds different and cannot accept about me) won't be resolved or be comfortable...i mean, i'md willing to live with the differences..but is he? can he really accept me? Can he not make a big deal out of everything that interests me? The scary thing is, time will tell and being that we will be married, that frightens me even more to be stuck w/ someone who can't like me for every little weird thing that makes me, me. And if he can, well...can *I* forgive him for these past transgressions? can i forgive him for the pain that his lack of undestanding has caused me?
I suppose a part of me hates the fact that, *I* have to do all the work. I feel like *I* haveta be the best person i can be no matter how he is...because, what's it worth to sink to his level? but if i try to be this ever forgiving being, what do i get inreturn? will i get the acceptance I need? I do have a fear that I will not.
I do love him. And he is a good person. One of the best i've ever met. and it's especially hard to find that in a guy you'd want to be with. Most guys out there are scum, lack direction, only want one thing, or too consumed with themselves...or essentially, all these things. Or gay, or taken.
He's kind, warm, emotional, friendly, fun, funny, smart...intuitive, has the most wonderful smile and has these wonderful philosophies on life...well, mostly the one that say "things will turn out" and to "just relax"...sometimes i think he's the breath of simplicity itself.
THe dividing fact is that he sees reality in black and white it seems, and i see it in many scales of grey.
Then there's another little matter i need to vent on.
There is this guy at work.
Firstoff, he's taken as much as I am. Secondly, he probaby wouldn't look at me anyways...well, we worked close together for a few months and so kept eachother company. it's just been nice to have his compnay at work. Thing is, he's quite good looking, even if he doesn't try hard all the time. He's got rich black hair, lightly tanned skin and this sleepy eyed expression on his face alot of the time. he seems to keep to himself enough, but still willing to talk, and it's also amusing that he's into the whole dungeons and dragons pencil and paper game. I think he exudes sex. Even when it's just mentioned in passing, i feel this uncomfortable embarassment talking to him. Yeah, he's definately cute, and I think he even knows it. I feel like there's this quiet friendship between us, even though we don't see much of eachother around the workplace anymore. Probably not. Probably more of me having a silly schoolgirl crush on this guy. may seem so childish of me, but i see it more of my dual nature. I've always had this thing about "prorities" where, even though i'd be living a life where i'd be doing one thing, my thoughts may be in a nother place. Or more like I'm used to living separate lives. 2 lives. Somehow I don'tfind it hard to nurture a crush and a loving relationship at the same time. Then again, maybe you could say that I'm using the crush to fill in some gaps that my current relationship has developed. It's not like i openly flirt, or touch him inappropriately (c'mon, i'm in a workplace forheaven's sake!) I do take a few extra minor amusements in just noticing him, hearing his voice, passing him at work...a few quick chats w/ him just to say hi. sometimes i think he might have some idea that i'm mildly taken by him. Maybe that's just my imagination. It's just nice to sublimelly want something again..to want someone....(i feel like i'm so afraid to want my boyfriend...)
*sigh*
anyways, i've had two dreams about this co worker.
Oh wait..actually, 3 of them. All three of them, we kissed.
The first one, we were kissing alot, and I was hoping my boyfriend would be okay with it. It was very hot and sexual, just in the kisses.
The second one, I kisse him, and he looked at me witha smile, like we shared some quiet, intimate secret.
The third one was this morning, and he kissed me at a beach...he was all shirtless. i ended up leaving and then avoiding my friends, family and boyfriend for the rest of the dream.
First of all, I like kisses. I feel that there's no better way to get to know someone than by how they kiss. It's like a business card. Too bad we can't kiss whoever we want, whenever we want. I'd steal kisses all the time.
Second of all, i wonder if i'm trying to escape from this reality, where the returns don't seem as high as what i've put into this reality. Is my boyfriend going to make me happy again? Is it going to be as wonderful as when we first met? I don't like the idea that things just go downhill once you marry someone. I mean, you can't continue to go for the "firsts" withpeople. What i mean is, you can't keep dating people all the time just for those honeymoon phases and expect it to make you feel full and complete. At the same time, you can't take eachother forgranted.
too many thoughts. I find myself trying to delve back into that subconsious world where i'm kissing boys just to feel something..while fighting off my fear of future mediocirty.
I need to be consumed....i need to feel consumed....but maybe more importantly, i need to let myself be consumed.....
things to think about, i suppose....
 Red_Fox · Mon May 30, 2005 @ 09:40am · 0 Comments |
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OMG~! KEKEE!
People either think that it's cool to meet someone online...or weird. Mostly weird (according to the outside world). For me, it only made sense.
This is why my title is "Don't try this at home, kids!" because all in all, you really *don't* want to do an online relationship...unless the person actually lives in your area...then WTF?! it's NOT an online relationship!! unless you're really that ******** up...~ WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE!?!
Basically, i'm going to do in installments of the last 5 years as far as relationships go, building up to my current situation. Though, to set the scene, I'm a canadian girl from alberta who's in love with a guy from midstate new york. Distance isn't the only barrier out there....oh, no. But we'll get to that.
Why am i doing this? This journal is perfectly anonymous. I don't know if any of you peeps will actually read this..but at least i know that no one i know will. soo...
*ahem*
I met my now sweetheart in this "mutual interest website" i was refered to by someone i knew. Well, to be more precise..it was a gaming guild that thought it was better than being a guild. The website was (and still seems to be) Romanlegion.com. They also did "role playing" to make it a more "authentic" Roman feel.
It was not.
In the spirit of online communities....(such as this) friends were made...enemies...present....notable times had by all. When i met him, it was all in breif passing of "hellos" on icq....this community *required* that all have icq to make communication easier and assemblance for gaming tournaments possible. When we first really began to talk, he was (in role playing) intending to 'marry' this other character, and requested my role playing services as a priestess. My character at the same time was having a secret liason with another character (whom began to take more of an interest in me in real life later on int he year). Okay, to date this, I recall my earliest conversation with my now sweetheart to be in late 1999. Yeah, that quite a few years ago. (I can't believe i've put in that much time...).
In real life....as far as i can speculate, he was going thru his last year of highschool, and i was adjusting to the life of a college student...i tell you, it was a year of many changes...good, bad and definately ugly.
As 2000 rolled into play....life kept going...the guy my character on romanlegion was "romantically" involved with online was now romantically involved with me as a person. At first, i was kind of unsure about this. He certainly didn't seem my type. It was weird tho..it was like something in me said.."hey, why not?" The guy said he "loved me" and I wanted to believe it too. When you're not sure what love is...it can't hurt to give it a try...right?
Right?
Well, this guy was from California. I went to visit him for a few weeks in California. Infact, I lost my virginity to him (if you even want to call it that....ah, well, that's one of those secrets that they really don't tell a girl....but that's another story). I told him i loved him. But did i really? I realized at some point that i didn't. Late August of 2000 i "broke up" with this long distance guy. I said "never again" to the online relationship...it just didn't seem like the right thing to do...didn't seem to make any sense either. Why bother with someone that you can't phsycially be with (or at least most of the time)? Why trifle with someone far away when you have the convenience of local fresh meat? ....might as well look around the home area....
But then, there was Kaidien. heart
(That's his online name, so that's how i'll refer to him).
domokun ~End of part one...stay tuned for part two!~ domokun
Red_Fox · Tue Mar 01, 2005 @ 09:02am · 0 Comments |
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Quick post after setup.
Not that i expect anyone to read this....but...this place does offer good anonymity for me..so i can write about *anything* and not feel like i haveta censor myself..., we'll just haveta see if i use it!
Red_Fox · Sat Feb 26, 2005 @ 10:29am · 0 Comments |
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