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A few really awesome things. |
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Avi arrrttsss<3    First by Crisscoula~ Middle by pentel_pen~ Last by Glampanda~ All free, too ;p Yeah, I'm a lucky b*****d. I'll list my Christmas haul here too xp To be obnoxious. And because for some reason, I got a LOT more than I thought I would. O.o; I love having a big group of friends and a distant, yet wealthy father and a moneyburning stepmom! (If only they weren't SO distant...) *does Emerald-style "OHOHOHOHOHO" laughter* ...o-o TO BE UPDATED AS I REMEMBER/FIND STUFF ~~>said mostly because I can't remember something costing $18.29 I got with a giftcard...^^; The names in []s are the ones who gave whatever it is to me whee
DVDs
Silent Hill [dad/stepmom]
the Austin Powers Trilogy [Jason]
Skycaptain and the World of Tomorrow [dad/stepmom]
Sailor Moon SuperS volume 2 Uncut [dad/stepmom]
Metropolis (the anime) [dad/stepmom]
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest [dad/stepmom]
Howl's Moving Castle [dad/stepmom]
Manga
Guru Guru Pon-chan #4 [dad/stepmom]
Death Note #8 [dad/stepmom]
Ouran High School Host Club #3 [dad/stepmom]
CDs
Why Try Harder: Best Of Fatboy Slim [Neko-chan (NekoNekoChan on Gaia)]
OkGo: "OhNo" [dad/stepmom]
Games
Guilty Gear X2 [ZOMFGWTHBBQLESSTHANTHREE~MOMMY]
Devil May Cry 1, 2, & 3 [bought as a 5th Anniversary Set with giftcards]
Clothes
"Never trust a Pirate" + Jack Sparrow t-shirt [Margaret]
cute piratey pajamas/baggy shirts [mom]
various colors of leggings [mom]
boyshort panties with a skull and crossbones on them (actually quite adorable) [mom]
really comfy purple/green/blue socks with grippy feet [my dogs and cats whee ]
"Live Forever Or Die Trying" shirt by Religion (good fudgemonkeys that's awesome) [mom]
Etc.
digital camera+two memory cards+adapter thingy [I don't really count this as Christmas, since technically I'm just taking it off my dad's hands since he got a newer one, but still, it's pretty sweet; dad/stepmom]
$100 worth of American Express giftcards [dad/stepmom]
an issue of the Gothic Lolita Bible magazine [dad/stepmom]
necklace with a cowskull charm and a piece-of-leather-with-a-unicorn-on-it charm [Margaret]
The Gunslinger {The Dark Tower I} by Stephen King [Lacey]
a hand-crocheted fuzzy scarf [Lacey]
two Donation Letters [Maggie<3 (Kyashia on Gaia)]
an In Da Hood gold necklace [Auli<3 (evilbrainbabies on Gaia)]
a tiny stuffed reindeer with candycanes [Brett]
itsy bitsy stocking full of Hershey Kisses [Brett]
box of markers [Brett]
a Santa Clause tin the above three were in [Brett]
Tokidoki bag by LeSportsac (holy freakin' hell) [mom]
Altogether, this Christmas was pretty freaking wonderful. One of my favorites in years, I'd have to say. <3
 PsychoTopHatCat · Sun Jan 07, 2007 @ 09:41pm · 0 Comments |
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...TO BE AS
ANGRY
SICK
SADISTIC
CONTRADICTORY
******** UP
STUPID
CONFUSED
WRONG
AND
ATTRACTED TO CERTAIN KINDS OF PEOPLE
AS I AM.
NO.
[********]
EXCUSE.
Damn it...
PsychoTopHatCat · Tue May 23, 2006 @ 05:34am · 0 Comments |
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All I want is an easier way to get out of my little head |
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Title from Snow Patrol's song "Run."
It's pretty sad...when you feel like you have to uphold a facade...even for your psychiatrist. And here I thought I'd maybe be able to get better if I started going to one again. Just when I tried to lead into a discussion about my mind instead of my day-to-day activites, she shot down one of the touchy aspects of my personality by saying she couldn't be around someone "like that." (I'm editing it to avoid people saying the same thing on here.) Now just who the hell am I supposed to talk to if I can't even speak to someone I pay to listen? I don't know. I've always had a hard time talking to people. Especially about myself and my feelings. I really think...something's wrong with me. Mentally. I'm too...all over the place. Bipolar? I don't know, maybe.
I like inside my head. I find myself trying to stay inside of it, without really meaning to, almost all the time. It's more pleasant, more disturbing, and more comfortable than reality. I'm starting to think I'm partially...I can't remember the right word for those people who completely tune everything out and live in their own world even though they remain concious, but that. Or maybe I'm an escapist. At the mention of something like getting away from everything I get all teary-eyed for some reason. I don't have good enough reasons to feel that way. There's not that much going on in my life that I can cry about it and be justified. My mom is on the verge of bankruptcy, I'm being forced to grow up, I can't go to the college I want to go to, I'm lonely beyond belief. Those are stupid things that almost every teenager goes through (outside of the bankruptcy bit.) And yet I think I'm allowed to fret over things. I'm beginning to think I don't have the right to have such a fragile psyche. What's ever happened to me to make me tragic? I grew up comfortably with my mom and my pets, even though I didn't have a father for a long time and when I did it didn't last but a few years. Oh, boo-hoo, I had no father figure because they got divorced. Some kids don't even have a mother, let alone a mother who care like mine does. I moved around a lot when I was little so I never got to establish a home town or childhood friends to keep for life. I'm not the only kid who's gone through that, and even though it was upsetting at least I got to meet different kinds of people and live in different places. I've never been in love. Well, big surprise there, I'm seventeen WHOLE years old. These things take a while. And yet, even though I know all of this, and I scold myself, I still can't stop from weirding out. It doesn't take a lot to get me started, but no one knows that. Because I'm so macho. Because I have to stay all shut-up and keep people from hurting me by not letting them in. It took me years to start confiding in some of my friends, but I still feel like I can't do it all the way. When I try I feel like I'm just burdening them. But I let them talk about whatever they want, including things that make me worry. Don't I have the right to burden them if they do it to me? Not in my head, no siree. I don't even feel like I have the right to be the subject of someone else's love. I'm not perfect enough. Why else would I avoid human physical contact so religiously? Because I don't like being touched by someone who doesn't love me, because I don't want anyone to be disgusted by getting near me. I feel like I have to give myself a makeover type thing before I can let myself pursue anyone outwardly. And, I hate to admit this, but I feel like I can't touch someone who isn't practically my soul mate either. I can pat them on the shoulder or something, maybe hug them lightly on specific occassions, but anything beyond that is just a resounding "NO." It's for this reason that I tend to label myself asexual and aphenphosmphobic (afraid of being touched), so that people won't even attempt to touch me in respect of my fear. It works.
I remember having a dream a long time ago. I was on the beach and there was a boy. We spent lots of time together, in the sun and splashing around in the water and being away from everything and everyone and generally gazing at the sky, and in the dream I felt an emotion I'd never felt before or since (except when I listen to certain songs that emulate the atmosphere of the dream.) I assume, now, that it was love, and that was what being in love with someone who loves you back must feel like. So now, I present my case, ladies and gentlemen: yes, I have felt love before, but it was for and from someone who doesn't exist. (See, I'm getting all teary just from writing that. What's wrong with me?) When I woke from that dream I was so sad and empty I almost couldn't stand it. And ever since, I've wanted to feel that again, desperately seeking that boy in the real world and failing. I thought I came close once or twice, but I don't know. I'm just convoluted.
Now when I tried to tell one of my closest friends that, she jumped to the strange conclusion that I was talking about being aroused. Do you see why I have problems talking to people? When I try I get interrupted before I can explain exactly what I mean, then I get aggravated and just tell them to forget it. I feel like no one still sees the world the way I do, like I'm the only one with a child's point of view anymore. And that in itself makes my state of mind verge on depression. Why does it seem to be so hard to find people who have retained their innocence at my age? While it's a terrible thing to say, I tend to look down on people who have allowed the world to corrupt their minds to the point of shunning childhood. I know that I am no longer absolutely pure in thought, but somehow I put myself above the people who aren't pure in body. I lose respect for them in some way. But I know that inside my brain, I'm a worse person than all of them. Something about that makes me hurt inside. I'm a contradiction in every sense of the word. I almost feel like I have multiple personalities, but I know I don't really. I have about 19 different sides to myself. That's why I think I might be bipolar.
I would almost rather go insane than stay in this state of mind. I'd rather see things that aren't there that make me happy than things that are there and make me sad. It's a big surprise I've never done any hallucinogenics, isn't it? It's a big surprise I've never entertained the thought of killing myself. But here I remain, constantly pondering my and the world's situation, and getting all worked up over stupid stuff when I should be writing a paper about the dream sequences in 1984.
Sorry for ranting. (I say that like anyone's read this far.)
PsychoTopHatCat · Mon May 08, 2006 @ 03:57am · 3 Comments |
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Nyome's Freebies Thread, 3rd Gaia Anni 2k6~!!! |
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You could've done SOMETHING...b***h-a** cupid... |
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This goes out to pretty much anyone, except Neko-chan, because she's thoughtful and awesome.
I never have a good Valentine's Day. Never. I don't get flowers at school, or candy, or even one of those crappy little mass-produced valentines. The only time I got anything--choice #3, a crappy-a** Harry Potter valentine--was because the girl had too many of them, or she was giving them to everyone, I can't remember which. Either way, she wasn't thinking of me when she got it. It made me feel a little bit better in a sad, sad way, but still. (Oh wait, last year Neko gave me a heart-shaped pillow she made herself. Best schooltime Valentine's ever <3 Again, this doesn't count for her <3)
It'd just be nice to get something, you know? I wasn't expecting a bouquet, or even a carnation, but if someone, for once, would even just genuinely wish me a Happy Valentine's Day, that'd be nice. On my comment page, not one wish. Not one. Not even from someone I was actually expecting one from. And I got two WHOLE Gaia card things, one from Neko (you sweet person you) and one from...Mrs. Robinson? O.o; I don't know who she is, but I'll thank her. I sent four out--to my main friends on here--and only one responded. Gee, thanks, you guys. I love you too.
Well, I guess I'm just being emo. I just have to accept the fact that I'll never get a present from a secret admirer in high school. That's okay. I can pretend that the carnation and two candies I found on the ground were purposefully left there for me.
Oh. And I bombed my first Spanish test yesterday too. I felt so stupid I cried.
HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY EVERYONE!!! heart heart heart !!!
PsychoTopHatCat · Wed Feb 15, 2006 @ 02:00pm · 1 Comments |
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More art! I love freebies!! x3 |
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I knew the Internet for many a year. Since AOL was but a fledgling company, as a matter of fact. In the face of this tragedy, I have taken to stealing my educational facility's own Interweb, which is by far inferior to my dear Internet. I cannot even change my avatar through this horrid generic Interweb. I will miss Internet, very very much...
...at least until it gets turned back on by stupid Bellsouth D:<
PsychoTopHatCat · Thu Jan 19, 2006 @ 06:35pm · 0 Comments |
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RANDOM PICTURES BECAUSE I'M BORED + Xmas! |
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Siggies/Avatar Art/Best Signs Evar Very First Av :'3            Make me signs? Please? I'll love you? Pics O Myself (mostly for profile or 'mindset' signature)      It's Margi's cat, trying to get into my pirate hat. He failed. u.u [/endimagedump] I had a great Christmas, and I feel the compelling need to tell everyone. ENVY MY BOUNTY! Actually, my dad's rich and my mom and him are divorced, so don't envy me too much because he sends gifts and money to compensate for not being here u_uCharlie & the Chocolate Factory Special Edition DVD rainbow striped scarf, with hat and glove/mittens to match heart The Grudge DVD Le Portrait de Petite Cosette DVD Harry Potter 4 soundtrack really ridiculously soft teal gloves Dresden Dolls CD The White Stripes-Get Behind Me Satan CD (woot Margi!) The Illustrated Beatles Lyrics Book (badass, Lacey) Queen-Live At the Bowl DVD (ilu Brett) Duck Prince manga #2 & 3 Tramps Like Us manga #4-6 The Adventures of Pete & Pete Season 2 DVD (SWEET!) Clarissa Explains It All Season 1 DVD (DOUBLE SWEET!) string of lights with little sequined shades on them (so cute) itsy-bitsy disco light ( whee ) a Shoujo Beat magazine plastic rainbow-colored chain checkered rubber bracelet a tripod for my camera (yaay) an Artist Studio, complete with canvas, paints, brushes, and easel ( exclaim REALLY wasn't expecting that! eek ) a Charlie & the Chocolate Factory bag two pairs of New Balance tennis shoes a new bookbag (believe me I needed it) a gold ring with a saffire in it (my mom's bf is weird. what am I supposed to do with that?? oh well. at least it's pretty...shiny...) a pink t-shirt (xD) Mission Hill series DVDs Eeyore slippers (x3) Dresden Dolls Live in Concert DVD a knitting kit ( eek ?!) blank white t-shirts for tiedying the softest socks in the world uber soft pjs knee socks (woot!) really long fuzzy scarf of pastel colors This was the best Christmas I've had in a long long time <3<3<3 The only thing I didn't get that I really wanted outside of some clothes on eBay was rainbow toe socks. But I can get those later. I'm just really really happy right now heart
PsychoTopHatCat · Fri Dec 30, 2005 @ 09:24am · 0 Comments |
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