Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

can u possibly feel like u must dos omething to keep some one close? i feel that way so many times. maby thats a reason for putting my feelings away so others can use them. Some use them aginst me, it hurts and i hide it. But never once have i seen some one tell me that they wants best for me (friends any way) maby ts because i'm so good at acting like i'm selfish so it helps the other person that they beleve thats who i really am.
or, have i lied to my self into beleve what i want. I'm so undecicive about who and what i am, i question my self if i'm doing the right thing. not only for my self but the other person. I'm such a confused person. i dont know what to do most of the time. crazy isnt it? i think so. i dont even know what to say right now other then i'm all... @_@ like a crazy person. locked away. i ask as i have done many times before i want help, but i'll never tell any of you.

Well last i said that the nwe year was going grate but now i see that it wasnt to grate. on Feb 5 2007 my father died.

He had had canser for about 2 years and has now passed away. Me and my mother are liveing alone now in this house. its so quite i just want to scream. My mother and i are trying both to act like it hasnt happen not let our selves know that this; this has truly happened.

I was close to my dad. i was his little girl. i went with him when he wont to go fly his model airplanes that he loved so much i helped him in the yard he tought me how to use a computer and i rmeber one he told me that hes forgotten more about computers then i'll ever know. i wish that wasnt so because i want him to be here to teach me.

I was talking to my mother today and she told me the last time he was able to work on his airplaines and go out and fly them he cried. I regret not behing there with him to see him fly for the last time.

There is no other man on earth like my daddy. He knew how to do every thing, and if he didnt he would pick up a book and read. he loved airplaines and he loved old WWII things. i know he has red so many books its not even funny.

When i was little i relmbered sitting on my daddys lap and telling him i wanted to be just like him.

The last time my dad was able to actually talk to me i rember he told me how proud of me he was, and that he loved me very much. i am 15 and i'm turning 16 this year. Most people dont go thru this.

I wish i was older. I wish he would have been atleast able to see me graduate from high school. maby get married, even see my kids if i were to have any. My daddy should still be here to take care of me and my mommy but hes not so now i have to take care of my mom. and i though i was ready but i'm not.

My daddy always told me that one day i'm gonna grow up, live some place nice, gacve a good job, marry a very good man and have kids. He wanted to see me grow up. and i though i would always have him to turn to if i didnt know somthing.

hes asked me so many times before he died that he wanted to show me how to work on the truck and one time i told him that he dosnt need to bc hes gonna be there for me. i was so wrong.

My mom was telling me today that it was worse then she though it would be. i gess your never ready for somthing like this and the less i try and think about it the more i do. the more i sit on his computer and look though the things on tehre that he left behind the more i find my self crying.

i want my daddy to be here.... but i cant go back in time. and if i would and i had to do this all over again i would have taken less and given more. . .

Martin H. Bailey... 1943-2007....

New year so far- grate razz

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! and what a grate new year it will be

Dec 11, 2006.

Wow its really been a long time cince i've put up a jurnal on here. well to catch you up on whats been going on, first of all my father as we hae found out has canser in july. It was at stage four when the docters found it and is uncureable. there giveing him around 6 months. Second I have been in and out of a few realtion ships in the past year. But now i'm in a very good relationship. Third i'm failing the 10th grade so it seems. But i will make it up for the next 2 years and 1/2 i have left in the hell they call scool. Also i'm getting to see who my real friends are and are not and starting new friends as well. I see more and more of reality as i go though the days as i watch my father lay in bed dieing. He saies that is this is how god wishes to take him then let it be. i agree with his wish if it is want he wants. well i must go for now by by all

ok so today sucks.... I have been trying to get up with a friend of mine. But hay i'm 3 states away from where i live right now so how can i get up woth her if she wont get on the net! >: ( but to tell you y here io go: I am on vacation in orlando Florda for one hole week for thianks giveing. i have alredy gone to a them pare 2 days in a row and i have only been here for 4 days. but hay what can i say this is the theme park capital of the world right? right. ok so any way i just want to see my firned i wanted her to come with me on the trip but her mother... wouldnt let her and my firned is getting very stressed out because of school and her mother donst relize it. Well any way its ok its getting a little cool but i dont care i wanna go swimming agin and i dont know if i can but o well. I have to go now... later

thank you chisai_ichigo for 100 gold to buy my anti bite mask!! thank you so much! biggrin

Well now that i have my str8 jacket and str8 pants all i need is my anti bit mask lol i need 200 gold -_- oh well how r u all doing? i'm doing prety good... but i dont relly think any one here cares -sighs- i wrote a new pome. it was dedicated to my BF but ehre i'll let u read it pleas do not steal it my pomes r copy writed.

I love to Hold u'r hand....

I Love to hold your hand,
Cause when I hold your hand I feal like some one loves me and knows me,
That some one understands me.
That some one loves me the way I love them.
I feal safe and scure from the world.
I dont feal left out or scard or sad just happy.
Happy to love,
Happy to be loved,
Happy to be with my love.
My love who loves me.
Holding hands forever.
Forever holding hands.
Holding, Loveing, Keeping.
I love to hold your hand.


what do you think? pleas comment on it if u like it its a free verce so its not ment to rhym so dont say any thing about that. well later ^_^ Vm

Well its sunday and i missed church agin. -_-;; But the reson was is that my little bro spent the night. My little brother i love very very much. I dont really knwo waht to say right now but my dad is out of the hospital and getting better YAY. and my little brother is spenind the night agin YAY ^_^ i make a evil baby sitter.... muhahahahaha biggrin oh well he like it... thats not ment to sound perverted
AND THANK YOU PUZZMAN FOR 1000 GOLD TO HELP ME GET MY STR8 JACKET!!!!!!!!!! IT MADE MY DAY!!!!
.... oh well i must go..... BYEBYE