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So many things, horrible, terrible things, have come to light as of late. Things which people have said, things which people may or may not have done. Things which no human heart should have to EVER endure, and these things all sicken me to the core. In the last month, my world has been torn asunder, my feelings and heart thrown aside, and ripped to shreds. This may sound like the maniacal rantings of a madman, or even the sniveling and groveling fit of a young brat. however, i assure each and every reader of this journal, that your humble narrator, has seen, heard, done, and experienced things in this month alone, that no normal person should EVER have to endure.
for starters, as you all should know by now from previous journal, and thread postings, that I am now a single man. The one and only true love of my life, has chosen to abandon me. her purposes are her own, and I do know of some of them. Others remain a mystery to me still. I cannot fault her for MOST of her reasons, as for others, well, i know them not, or feel like she is simply running away from them. whatever her case may be, it matters not anymore. the damage can never be repaired, the pain never removed from me, or her. i take full blame for my part in our painful separation, and shall love her for the rest of my days, and she knows this. what bothers me so much about this, not only the fact that she is, and always will be, the only girl i shall ever truly be in love with, but the way this all transpired, has brought forth in the end things which now weigh heavily on my very SOUL. Her love has now been placed into question, and I have good reason to doubt if her words, her very intentions for me, were genuine. and this sickens me more than anything.
Within the last two weeks, both an alarming amount of accusations against her, as well as an ever growing pile of evidence to support the accusations, has been brought to my attention. I am aware that she herself, is aware of these accusations to a point, but I highly doubt that she knows, just how much evidence, and from whom it comes from, that is piling up at my feet. Even she betrays her own words and such by some very actions she earlier stated that she would never do. i truly don't know what to believe anymore, and it is driving me into my very grave. i do not say that for dramatic effect, I had become so angry at the whole situation on Christmas Eve, that during a phone call between her, and my ride home with my family, i threw myself from a moving van, nearly cracking my skull upon the pavement. no man should ever go through such things. My love is so deep for her, that even now, when i have a pile of evidence against her words and actions,, that i still wish to give her the benefit of the doubt. I know not what to do at this point, except dig for more evidence.
Anybody who reads this, please take the advice of a man who has been through more than anyone deserves to go through. Love is not a game, and it should NEVER be treated as such. just be careful of who you fall in love with, and be honest with everyone. lies hurt everybody. I can't honestly say that i know the love of my life has been lying to me from the beginning, but I cannot ignore all the evidence, and I highly doubt that if she was, and is lying, that she will ever confess fully to everything....
 Reiunigu Zangetsu · Tue Jan 08, 2008 @ 02:09pm · 0 Comments |
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I hope you remember when you wrote this, how marvelous we both felt back then. i'd truly give anything, to feel this again.....
Heaven bent to take my hand, and lead me through the fire…
And through the fire I walked, and now, here I am…once at the end of all things, I’m now at the beginning. He gave me my life back…my dreams; my hopes, my faith…but he didn’t give my love back. He RETURNED my love, with his love. I’ve loved before, I know what love is, but never before have I felt it so pure. So real. I want to give him everything…everything he deserves…happiness, faith, loyalty, love, a family. And now, all those things will come for us. Together out life begins…
I called him last night. Every conversation we have is so full of passion and love. Love for each other. No other. Devoted only to the one we love. Each other. We talked about everything and nothing at all, and it was all so…perfect. As time wore on, and the night grew old, we fell asleep on the phone together, and yet, we kept a part of ourselves conscious so we could just hear the other breathe…whisper sweet nothings to each other as the minutes ticked into hours…He spoke to me in his sleep…And I answered him. I called him my husband…and he called me his wife…that made my heart skip a beat. Every time I hear his voice my heart flutters, every time he calls me his wife, my heart races…whenever I hear him say, “My baby…” to me…I melt. I could feel him with me last night as I fell asleep to his gentle breathing. He whispered he loved me, I told him I loved him back. Then he whispered that he wished to make love to me… and I whispered back that I’d give myself to him freely. He is the only man who will have access to my body, my heart, my soul. And I, the only woman who will ever have access to him. We will have it no other way.
We stayed on the phone together…until the phone died. Our phones went out at the same time. I dreamt of him that night. It was so real, so warm, so perfect. We were together…it was so passionate. So loving, when I finally meet him in person, I want to give him my all…all of me to him. He told me that no one he’s ever been with ever tried to offer him love and affection like he did for them…well my love…during our Fa la la, I’m going to give you everything you’ve ever dreamed about and wished for. I want to show you all the love and affection, GIVE you all the love and affection you give me, all the passion and pleasure you deserve. today we both realized we've never felt such pure unbridled love... I love you. You and only you. I want no other, I desire no other…only you my dearest.
We told mom and dad today that we are now officially engaged. It was the most magical moment of my life. When I asked him if I could ask him, a very special and life changing question…
“Edward Joseph Reinig…will you do me the honor…of being my husband?”
There was a slight silence…and then I head he voice answer me…
“Meileah June Te Kare…I would be honored to be your husband…and to take you as my wife.”
It was like a dream come true…only difference was, it was FAR better than any dream. I’ve never felt this way for ANY man in my life. I have a feeling, that there will be Fa la la happening between us everywhere we go. Not just the bedroom…the living room…the kitchen, the bathroom, the pool, the woods, the park, the beach, the lake house, the garage, the floor! No where is safe! Our Fa la la will take over the world!
He said…he wants to get baptized in the Church of Jesus Christ of Later Day Saints…he wants to take me to the Temple to be Sealed for all time and eternity. My life…has never been more complete, more in focus, more perfect then it has now, and the only direction left for me to go, is not so much forward, but up. If he asked me to, I could fly. Equivalent Exchange…how true it is…how real it is. I’ve known him for two years, I’ve loved him for 2 years, and now, there’s nothing between us save for time…and it’s time, that’s bringing us closer together.
Edward my love, my life, my husband…our life begins.
Aishiteru Itsumo Edward Joseph Reinig…
I love you more every moment of every day and night…now and forever, until eternity ends and elapses into itself…and begins again…
I will still love you...
世界はである愚か... そして私はちょうど華麗... である
The world is stupid…and I’m just brilliant…
Such brilliant words, such a brilliant, wonderful, beautiful mind. you are truly great Meileah, the best, no matter what i have said out of hurt.
i will always love you, please never forget....
Reiunigu Zangetsu · Sun Jan 06, 2008 @ 08:44am · 0 Comments |
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A long needed moment of clarity... |
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Ok, as all of you will know from reading these journal entries of mine, that there has been a LOT going on in my life. as of late, I have had so much going on, that my sanity has been going through the window. i have lost the love of my life, i have troubles at home, and things have generally been rough for me. however some of it is my fault, so i have a lot of blame to go around for myself. i have lost the one place in all of Gaia, that i called a home. a place to vent, a place to leave my secrets and confessions. from now on, until i find a new place, a better place, i shall simply place all of my thoughts into this journal.
First off, the home things can be taken care of easily. i just need to adjust some things. the biggest thing in my life, which is affecting all things above all else, is me, losing the love of my life. she has decided that it is better for her to leave my side, because she has a lot going on in her life as well. It also has to do with me, not treating her as I should have, and doing a lot of things that were bad. i forgot promises I made, broke others, and it seemed that every time we ever talked, even intimate moments it turns out, were making her feel bad. i can't blame anyone but myself for that, because I never stopped anything we had going on, even though I knew it was against both our religious beliefs. She was looking for a man that would help her hold onto her beliefs, instead of giving into our lust. we may have never met physically, but what we had was more real than most share in person. in the end, i even went as far as to throw her love for me into doubt. I said so much out of hurt and anger, when it truth, i didn't believe a word of the bullcrap I was saying. I know she loved me, i know she cared, but i speak harshly out of hurt. i will not do so anymore.
Truth be told, Meileah was the best thing to ever happen to me. she will have my heart forever. if this means i will be alone for the rest of my days, i will. it matters to me not anymore. Out of all the promises I truly tried to keep, the biggest one, the one to love her forever, is the one I will STILL keep for all my days. Everyone may think i am foolish for that, but it doesn't matter. i have always tried to be a man of my word. I am just so sorry that I broke so many of my promises, even if some were purely by accident. I can only hope that in time, Meileah will at least forgive me for the crimes I have committed against her. i truly hope that even if we never speak again, that she knows i will always love her, and her alone. I also hope she knows that I wish her the best life that god can possibly provide for her. I would give anything to be the man to help her get there, but that is but a pipe dream now. Heh, guess it's Equivalent Exchange for my sins, right Meileah?
Reiunigu Zangetsu · Sun Jan 06, 2008 @ 08:24am · 0 Comments |
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