To most the question is as simple as should I stay or should I go? If I shall stay who will know me? Who will hang out with me? Who will care for me? Who shall recognize my existence? Or if I go who will miss me? Who will wish I stayed? With that simple question one can easily find the answer that quickly with the realization of ?I DON'T HAVE that MANY FRIENDS!? The person can easily leave.
To take a firearm and aim it at you own head is easy! Pulling the trigger is hard. It feels like the trigger is welded in place and your trying to break the weld. Overdose I'd say is the easiest. Just grab a glass of water and as many pills as you can. The bad part about overdose is sometimes the body itself induces vomiting and there's no way of stopping it! Hanging is also easy, but if your light it doesn't work you end up dangling for a long time and eventually lose consciousness but you don't die! Deadly gases can also kill one (Bleach & Ammonia) or it can really ******** YOU UP (You have a bit of a harder time doing sports after words)!!
You can also stay and blame all your problems on yourself, you stop caring and become an outcast, a goth, a punk, or something along those lines. You start wearing black, you die your hair black, paint your nails black and eventually you start cutting your self ? self-mutilation. You also start a bad habit ? smoking, drugs, drinking, either one, some, or all of them.
For those of us who are hated, disliked, and unwanted we change. We become anti-social, depressed, and we lose our self-esteem. You begin to hate yourself, wishing you can change every bad action, correct yourself, re-write your wrongs. But we can't so we say at the worst wrong ?I should leave?. I can't get punished anymore then. I can't hurt myself anymore. No one shall dislike me or begrudge me anymore for I shall no longer exist. I am but a small entity of a large mass that so few know of my living that my passing will leave this great existence undisturbed.
At times I wish I do not want to be here. I no longer desire to live. I fear messing up. I fear losing friends and making enemies. I punish myself for my own mistakes I wish I never committed but continue to make. I wish my imperfection would not cause me great pains to the point were living in eternal agony no longer suffices. I wish I were not alive and was never born.
-Attila
 Turkish Leprechaun · Wed Jan 26, 2005 @ 06:40am · 0 Comments |
