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The relationship I have right now is more complicated then most will ever have, and thus they don't understand the immense confusion I go through every day. It is almost as though it is in this obscure area beyond friend and below love. But yet though he is like a brother to me I longed for him to love me more then that. Many days I felt him tear apart my heart bit by bit, but I let him, for anything was worth having him close to me. It wasn't his girlfriends that tore me however, I was actually genuenlly happy for him. It was little things that he would say or do that hurt me greater. I longed so much that I would only love him as a brother and not as anything more. I never wrote that he had hurt me for fear that he would find it and never allow me to get so close to him again. Today something has changed though.

So I write.

I was unable to sleep last night, when I had a realization. I understood that I would not trade what I had for anything, not even love. Then it came to me, what I have is better then love. There is an infinent sense of trust, honesty and security of having him for eternaty. He cares about me with no strings attached, without wanting anything in return. There is nothing we can't share. Very few people ever achieve this level of friendship in their life, while many people achieve love. This little fact makes it more special then love. It is something that I consider myaself very lucky for having found.

When I realized this, it explained so much. It explained why I or anyone else could not understand it. Beyond that, it freed my heart. I can still love him without letting my heart tear. I felt, as I thought this, a sort of glowing in my chest, that I can only describe as my heart growing back. For the first time in a very long time I felt free. I can love him and hold my heart, and now I too can love him the way he loves me, without strings attached.

I love you hun!

Written-Today

Can I pretend
And should I try?
Can I watch my heart
Be torn into shreads,
And should I try?

Can I pretend
What is real is not?
That I am perfect
When I hurt deeply,
And should I try?

Can I pretend
There is nothing,
As I hold his kiss
For eternity,
And should I try?

Can I pretend
It's just a game?
Holding longer,
Longing deeper,
And should I try?

Can I pretend
And should I try?
Watching nothing
Dissolve into nothing.
Why should I try?

People are born in life and essentially they are untainted by anything other then genetics. They have barly any abilities, except for a few reflexes. This reflexes are things that they do not choose to do, for they do not have the will power or the muscle power to stop it. When we grow older we still have reflexes but we can control them as well. You blink when someone claps there hands, and the next time they do it, mearly seconds afterwards, you control this impuse and it gives life a whole new meaning. You are not controled by the bounds of impulse. Now you can make decisions. We free ourselves from shakles.

So we're free now what?

I stare at my index finger and flex it. It is fascinating to me. I understand the mechanics of it. The bones, muslces, brain, and heart, all work together to create this phenomenon. But why does it move? So I can hold a pencil, so I can sweep with a broom? There are many things in life that are beyond my realm of comprehension. I ponder things such as the meaning of life, the purpose of my life.

I hear stories about people, on the news. About murder, rape, blurglary, kidnapping, child molestation. The list goes on. I wounder why. These people have everything I have. They have will, and they have the same fingers I have. I then feel sorry for them because deep down, I know these people. They are the souls who hate themselves for never acheiving love in their lives. Probably grew up with hateful parents, or none at all. I watch my brother, how he steals and takes things from the rest of his family members, and I wounder what I did wrong.

I heard a story from my grandmother. She talked about this African Tribe she had read about in a book. She said that whenever someone in the tribe lies, cheats, steals (and sometimes larger crimes) the entire village has to stop whatever they are doing and everyone has to say something nice and loving to that person. The village is so large that this showering of love can take up to a week. What ever guilt or embaressment they feel is replaced fully by love by the end. That person never commits a crime again. These people know that people do these types of things when they have no love in there life.

A while ago a had a conversation with a dear friend of mine about the meaning of life. That it is really "just to love and be love in return." I believe this now more then ever as life moves on and leaves me behind. I wounder if I were to die today would I be content knowing I lived my life to the fullest. The answer is 'no'. I have never known love. Even when I feel as though I am in love it is not a two way street. I hope one day I too will know what its like to love and be loved. Until then I will do whatever I can to find it. wink

It started out as a simple gift.

He said, "I wanted to get you something."

I said, "Thank you."

He handed me a silver, beaded, necklace chain with a beautiful, ornate charm on the end. It was a piece of costume jewlery, but the pink jewels made it extreamly pretty. It was aranged in a decortive fashion and being one of my favorite colors I could wear it with anything I owned.

There was one problem, however, it was the shape of a cross . He knew I was jewish but he was hard pressed to find a better gift. Being not very religous, I accepeted it as a beautiful pendant from a dear friend. I wore it and it became a symbol of open mindedness and acceptance for me, and beyond that it was a quite a pretty piece of jewlery.

Little did I know about the controversy that was about to unfold.

My dad got angry at me for wearing it. He said that it was a symbol of hypocracy. Of course I understood what he was refurring to, it is a symbol that government officials used and still use as a justification for slaughter. From the indians to the Iraq War Maifest Destiny has always been considered appropriate reasoning.

Knowing this full well, I could not believe my ears. The same man who never pressed religion on me so I could decide about god on my own, the same man who always told me not to judge others based on anything other then how they acted, that man was informing me what the cross symbolizes for everyone who wears it. It infuriated me. How could he judge a symbol so lightly, he does not know every christain in the world, it is very likely that he holds a lot of them as friends and isn't even awair of it. To many people it is a symbol of peace and love, to me it was a symbol of open-mindedness and acceptance. As he told me not to wear it I knew that he only saw it as a symbol of hate and hypocracy. He was discounting everything else it could possibly mean. He denounced my symbol of open mindedness and I saw it as a sign of him being closed minded.

I made a choice today to wear the cross with pride. After all it is such a beautiful trinket.

A while back I had an assignment to write a diary of a person who grew up in during WW1. I decided to write about a girl who's brother went off to fight a war, and guess what? She's was poet wink . So almost every Journal entry included a poem that she/I wrote so I thought I'd post them for you all to read. Some of them are good, some of them aren't, you can be the judge.
------------

Heroes

Heroes are people whom save others,
They can be superman to fire fighters.
In this case, they are brothers.
For months on end, they will be fighters
Of justice, protectors from evil and
Other countries that wish us harm.
They are people out to defend
Us so we can go to bed without alarm.
------------

Beneath Flanders Field (Based of the original In Flanders Field by John McCrae)

"In Flanders Field the poppies blow
Between the crosses, row on row"
The blood underneath is unseen.
The Fields are red though they appear green.
No longer can you contact the people below.

The larks sing their sorrow song.
Only the dead realize the war was wrong.
They see death does not disciminate
"In Flanders Fields".

Each one had a chance to be alive,
But instead, they took a dive
Into their graves for nothing.
Though the country said for something.
Only the poppies are still alive
"In Flander's Fields".
------------


Discriminate

The time has come
When your country and mine meet.
From different counties from
Wherever, but they don't wish to greet.
They think their countries best, as they do.
Each side has a view of whose right.
They fought each other while their anger grew.
They fought each other with all their might.

When all is done and lives are lost.
No side has won, but both think they're best.
They won't even think of the cost
Of lives as long as they're better than the rest.
They will sing their special song,
And never realize they were wrong.
------------

Jeremy

In every bunch of poppies
There is that special one.
The one you play with.
The one you talk with.

Yesterday you were here,
You knew what to say
To brighten my day,
But now you're gone.

Now that you're gone,
I'll miss you all the time.
I'll keep your heart close to mine,
so we're never apart.

I told jokes to you,
I made fun of you,
You were the special one
In my bunch of poppies.
------------

Love

Mountains Can Crumble
Glaciers can melt
Love gets stronger

When you were alive
You were my brother
Now that your dead
I love you more than ever
Love gets stronger

Love has the power
To keep you alive
In our hearts and
In our memories.

really bad poem I wrote a while back...

What if I said that a man was responsible for the death of hundreds?
Would you call him a mophia member?
Perhaps a serial killer?
What if I said that a man abducts your children and returns them dead?
Would you call him a kidnapper?
Perhaps a murder?
What if I said that a man led people to burn down houses?
Would you call him a member of the KKK?
Perhaps a terrorist?
What if I said this was the work of one man?
Would he deserve a life time in jail?
Perhaps the death penalty?
What if I said this man is our president?

I wrote a letter to my school newspaper... but I had to chop it up to get it under 350 words, but tell me what you guys think.

Dear Editor,
Since the beginning of time there has been science and religion. Science was a more primitive form, but still there. They observed the sun moving across the sky every day. They could make theories that the sun would rise, and they could test this theory by watching the next day. They were correct. Now they had an unexplained phenomenon needing reason. Without tools or much knowledge they decided there must be something pulling the sun. They called him the God Apollo.

In those days they used god to fill in the gaps where science left off, and today we are using it the same way. We put him there to solve the mysteries that evolution does not explain. Unfortunately, this is a sign of ignorance as a society. We cannot explain something so we turn to god and this allows us to simplify a complex world and explain the unexplainable.

In science we are always asking how things happen. There will always be something that came before, and we wonder where did that come from?" They ask this to the point of infinite insanity. Essentially there is always something else, because something cannot come out of nothing. It is easy to use god to explain it all where you cannot go further. A scientist who believes in god should ask, "Where did that come from?" He couldn't believe that this all powerful, all knowing being just came out of nothingness one day and decided to create the world. Anyone reading this would agree that the idea of a creation for god is completely ridiculous, but it emphasizes that something cannot come from nothing.

I do not mean to say that I do not believe in god, or that you should not believe in god, or that even god is not 'the creator' I just beg of you to think it makes sense from a logical stand point. Don't use god to make sense of things that we could not possibly understand, because years from now there will be more explained and more we do not understand.

A wize person once told me that I was years younger then them mentally. Although my feelings weren't hurt, this comment puzzled me on a multitude of levels. I had always considered myself rather bright, not just in school but understanding life and its purpose to me. It bothered me that I was not only not smart enough but apparently there was a huge gap between my and their understanding. I thusly began searching though life, trying to find a message that I missing, coded in some part of life. I found more answers, but I coudn't find a reasonable question to look for (perhaps that only makes sense to Hitchiker fans). The more I searched the more I convinced myself that the only puzzle in my life that continued unsolved was the reason I was not as mentally evolved as I should be. It seemed obvious to me that, that was the question I was searching for the answer for. But still as I searched no bolt of inspiration or understanding came to me, and eventually resorted to acceptance, a method I hardly ever choose unless a question seems without an answer. Perhaps I would gain the knowledge thoughout life, and mabie I was simply a late bloomer. Though this wasn't a happy thought it none-the-less sustained my thought waves to rest, and over time I forgot this hole in me was left unfilled.

Later I discovered something... I learned the definition of perfection. I realized that perfection is not arrival, at some great goal, or destination. For we all have that, even if we arrive, we swiftly move on to a new goal we are conviced will make us complete. Nor is perfection gaining skill or knowlege, that could not be it because there is always more to learn. Nor is perfection being better then everybody else at something, because that trait is also impossible to perceive. I then realized that there is no such thing as perfection, nobody, not even those we idealize, is perfect. Though this was clearly the message everybody tries to tell you to console you when you fail, "Nobody's perfect", it takes on a new meaning when you grasp the consept of the phrase. Yes nobody's perfect by any defintion of perfection, the concept of perfection itself is hard to grasp let alone actually acheiving it. But then I realized none of that matters, why don't I just enjoy life right now and realize I have 'arrived' and that I am perfect in the sense that I'm just like everyone else... imperfect (if that makes sense). O that train of thought I realize that if I am perfect because I am like everyone else then everyone is perfect, and that everybody is where they need to be in their life and enjoy it.

A wize person once told me that I was years younger then them mentally, and I realized that he was entirly correct. But as I watch him grow discovering things that I've always known, I know I am also older then him mentally as he grows to learn what I've already discovered, and I grow to learn what he's already discovered. This way we use our knowledge, that is worlds apart to help eachother learn and grow.