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I don't know where I'm going anymore. Tyler keeps saying things like "well I'm sure you'll make the right decision, just listen to your heart", and I'm all "what the fuuuuuuck?" I mean...God, it sounds so stereotypical. Or psychotherapist-ish. Is that a word? I don't think so. Oh well. I doesn't matter. I probably won't even end up posting this.

I love him so much, and I feel so awful when I can't see him...I miss him, and then I hate myself for missing him, because you know what? It would be better--easier--for him if I didn't love him. If he didn't love me, actually...I don't think I'm unselfish enough to let him go. He means so much to me. I was completely shattered before I met him, and he came he put me back together, patiently, piece by fragile piece. He didn't give up, he didn't throw down the shards and say "This is too much. I can't do this anymore."

And I feel so horrible when Jacob flashes before my eyes. I told him I stopped seeing Jacob when he kisses me, but I lied. redface Because I know it hurts him, and I've done that too many times. I just want it to stop. And it does, after the first second of panic. But last Saturday, in the car...I was so scared for that moment. Then it passed and I...I was happy. Comfortable. I trust him. It's me I don't trust--that I don't trust not to screw things up the way I always do. I don't know what I'd do if I lost him. Lose myself further, probably.

I'm close to finishing my part of me and Mitch's piano duet. I don't know what I think about him anymore. I don't trust him, that's for sure. Just when I think he's gotten over me, when we're getting comfortable, he leans close (too close) and whispers in my ear, something like "I know you feel it too, forget him, think of how he looks at other girls during the week, he's never there. I am." And then I lose it all over again. I love him as a friend, but he wants more. And he's okay for now, but how will I know what comes next?

I feel so lost.

I don't know if he's really looking out for me, protecting my "better interests" or if he's just saying that to make me feel better. Something tells me that he just doesn't...want me. redface I don't blame him. I feel so confused when I'm around him, because 1) I can't tell what he's thinking, how he feels about/around me, if I've messed up, and 2) I want to be close to him, but that damn mistake named JACOB keeps getting in the way. And it doesn't help that there's a prettier-than-me ex-girlfriend leaning over my shoulder and whispering "you'll never be as good as her. Never."

I guess my little rant is done. This is all meaningless anyway. I'll just end up smiling and nodding tomorrow. Yes, I'm fine. No, I'm not worrying. Please, don't worry about me. I'm okay. Yes. I promise.