This is a question I am asking myself as a way to vent over a few things that have been going on in my life. Not that all of it is bad but as of late I'm not smiling my true smile.
The first item on this list is something that has been bothering me for awhile. It is my religious metamorphasis. As few of you may know an event in my life mad me lose my faith. Last week it truly hit me that I have literally left the religion is was raised into and when I was in a prayer with the some family that I hadn't seen in a long time I felt hollow.
This goes into the second piece of my rant. I'm not close to my family any more I can understand that getting older we leave the nest and move on. this last year I am in the nest but I feel as if no one wishes to fly with me. My dad and I are so distant now that I feel like a complete stranger to him. My brothers are all doing there own thing and there distance is expected but I miss how close we were. My sister is too young to have that connection to at the moment. As for my mom I still feel that closeness I have always felt but she divides her attention and I don't want to worry her with my troubles.
Number Three is dedicated to some trouble I know we all go through. things like school, work, and all that jazz. I am 21 years old and I am just barley putting in the final steps into getting a drivers license. I have to take a semester of school off because I was too afraid to register for classes and as such I am at home with nothing to do. As for work I have applied at many places and only have had one real job.These problems have been bothering me and taunting me. I feel worthless and like a good for nothing b*****d.
As for the kindling to that started this fire. My Great Grandpa who I last saw on Saturday died in his sleep earlier this week. When my mom told me I cried for maybe a minute and a half and stopped. I haven't cried since. what makes me feel so bad is that I was asleep when my mom was told by my grandma and they aren't on the best of speaking terms. I felt like an a*****e. If I had a job or was at school I would be fine with it but I was asleep doing jack s**t and thinking about nothing. I hate myself more then anything at the moment. I can laugh still but it feels bitter and hollow. My last words him were 'it's good to see ya' the first time I see him in what I think a year or two and the only reason I was there was because I was hired to be there with the band I play for. I got to see him one last time and I'm thankful to the lord for that but I feel like so much time was wasted and I have been lying to myself all week. I'm not fine, and I'm not in shock. I am denying how I really feel, I'm scared of how I may act, I'm asking for people to distract me, I feel sad, and I know that at the moment I can't accept it.
I learned yesterday that I'm to be one of the Paul Bearers and I will be one of the last to carry him as we lay him down for the last time.
Thank you to those who have listened. I may not truly be okay but i time I hope I'll be fine in the end.
Later
Guan Tokai Community Member 
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