Guilty
Darkness, that’s what I first see. I heard a moan, and then the scream from someone in the building. Then the foul stench of the place hit my nose. It reminded me of death. I woke with a start, and surveyed the cell they had put me in. The place was disgusting, with various things lying on the ground. I’ll spare you the details. I shivered, a chilly draft reaching me.
“Where am I?” I asked drowsily.
With a gasp I remembered. I was in St Mary’s Home for the Mentally Insane, otherwise known as St. Mary’s. It was hard to believe I had forgotten so soon. It only seemed like the horrible events that led me to being here had happened yesterday.
I remember walking home; completely unaware of what was to come. I had just barely come from one of the many meetings for the right for women to vote. I am the head of the committee, but we meet at various people’s houses so that we do not force the responsibility of hosting us all on one woman.
Then from that point on, I don’t remember much else. There’s a huge hole where that memory was supposed to be. But I later remember awaking with my husband’s bloody corpse lying next to me with my darling son dead as well. I didn’t know what to do, I was completely shocked. And so I ran screaming out of the house. The neighbors called the police; they too were in a panic.
But they weren’t calling about the murder of my family. They had called to see why my white dress and yellow sash was covered in blood. They found the bodies soon after. And they convicted me of the murder!
I was locked away until the time of the trial. And when I got there, the court was particularly brutal. They’d seen me in this courtroom before, for protesting woman’s rights, and they were none to friendly to me.
“She’s clearly guilty! She was found with blood staining her gloves and dress! She even had the weapon on her person,” murmured the crowd. The prosecutor who was trying to send me away had also been the one at the other trial. He and I were rivals, and both of us bitterly hated each other.
“I am not a murderer! I did not kill my family! How could I?” I shouted this at the top of my lungs, even if it was uncalled for. I was hysterical with grief. “How could you think this of me? I have done nothing wrong!”
“She’s clearly mad,” I heard people murmur. “Is there any way that we can doubt the facts?”
“I’m not mad,” I hissed back, furious that they would think that I’d killed my only son and my beloved husband. “I loved them. How could I have ever done such a thing?”
I was saddened to hear the verdict. “We find the defendant…” I waited. I prayed for the last words from that judge’s mouth to be ‘Not guilty.’ “…Completely and utterly insane. Ms. Louise Dawson shall have a life sentence to St. Mary’s. Good day to all. This case is closed.” With the last bang of his gavel, I knew I was finished.
An officer brought me to the asylum, giving me no time to grab any of my things. When I protested he told me that it would be alright. He sounded like he was trying to be soothing. He sounded more like he was talking to an unsettled dog, not a person. I was no dog, and was not at all calmed.
He dragged me snarling to the door. “I’m not crazy! I do not belong in this vile place,” I’d shrieked as loudly as I possibly could. A nurse and a doctor had rushed out the building.
“Hold her still,” the doctor shouted his voice very commanding and loud. This man was clearly used to giving orders.
“Get away from me you bloody…” I wasn’t allowed to finish my sentence. The officer had clapped a hand over my mouth, and silenced me. I wriggled and squirmed, trying to get free of his grasp. I felt my brown hair fall out of its tight bun, and fall around my face. They finally pulled out a syringe, and stuck the needle under my skin. I remember seeing the world darken, and then finally falling asleep.
And so I woke, I woke in this accursed cell. And I most likely won’t ever get out of here. I will probably just rot away and die here. That’s what might happen.
But I refuse to give in. I will not stay here for long; you will be assured of that. There is only so long they can keep me here. Either they will let me go, or I will find a way to escape. They cannot hold me, Louise Samantha Dawson, woman suffragist, and free thinking woman, in a place she does not wish to be. I swear, if I do anything in these next few months it will be to leave. I will get out of here. Won’t I?
My thoughts were disturbed by the sound of footsteps echoing in the silent hallway. I stood, and tried to make myself look less disheveled. I pulled the black dress’ pleats back into order, and glared at the passing guard trying my best to look superior. I actually wanted to look like a snob.
“So, luv, finally awake, eh?” The man had a slight accent, but I wasn’t able to pinpoint where it came from. He was clearly a guard; he looked like he was as strong as an ox. “I’ll tell Nurse that yer up. Then she’ll bring yer medicine, and ye’ll soon be all better.” He hurried away, muttering something I wasn’t able to pick up.
I hated how he had talked to me. He spoke as if I wasn’t able to even understand him. It was more like he was talking to himself, or just talking to a wall. It made me realize how much I despised this place. I hated that they had thrown me in here in the same clothes that I had worn to mourn my family. I hated this whole situation.
A large woman completely dressed in white with a large white hat walked down the hall. She was very unattractively dressed for a nurse. “Well darling. Looks like it’s time for you medicine. Now let Aunty Nurse give it to you. Won’t you come here darling?” A smile crossed her pudgy face, only making her look uglier. I backed away against the wall. So this must be Nurse.
“Now, now, don’t be feisty. Just be nice, and Nurse will be nice to you. So just bring your pretty self over here, and let me help you.” She was trying to sound matronly, and had the same tone in her voice. The same coddling tone like she was talking to a toddler, who would never understand.
I didn’t respond. I wasn’t quite sure of what to say. I’d never been faced with problems like this. Her face twisted into a frown, and I found I liked her smile better, though it was not much of an improvement. “I hate ones that don’t listen to the sweet talk.” Nurse growled, pulling out keys and quickly unlocking the door.
She headed in, pulling out a pair of white tablets as she went. “Girlie, we’re going to get these pills down your throat even if you don’t want them there.” I screamed as she approached, moving surprisingly fast for a woman of her weight. I was pinned against the wall, and she brutally forced my mouth open.
“No, damn you, get away!” I yelped just before she forced the pills into my mouth. They tasted awful, and I tried to spit them out. Nurse simply closed my mouth, and plugged my nose, clearly an expert at getting unwilling patients to take their pills. I swallowed them in the end. It was that or choke, and I didn’t want to die.
Nurse released me, and let me slide to the floor. “No dinner for you for behaving that way. Be nice to old Nursie, and Nursie will be nice to you.” She grinned, leaving me shaken and in pain.
I was surprised to find that for the first time since my family’s death, I wanted to cry. I have been through so much, and now I would cry. I wanted to deny that it was because I wanted to pity myself. But I think that was most of the reason.
So I let the tears flow. I curled into a ball, and sobbed until my brown eyes were red and puffy. I hated this, and so many terrible things had happened. It was rather weak of me to cry, but it needed to happen. Even the strongest women have needed to let things like this just happen.
“Hey… hey… You’re new…” I glanced over at the cell next to mine. I saw a deranged looking old woman was hanging her head through the bars and grinning foolishly at me. She’d lost most of her teeth by the looks of it. “You… You made Nurse mad. Don’t make her mad. It gets you in trouble.” She trailed off.
“My name’s Jeremiah. Yeah… Yeah… Jeremiah, that’s right. They locked me away here because…” She trailed off, looking dazed. “They… didn’t like how I spoke the truth…” I stared her in confusion, watching as she turned to lean on the wall of her cell. It was clear she no longer spoke to me, but herself. I sighed. I hoped that she wouldn’t make a habit out of talking to me.
I tried to see if anyone else was next to me, and was glad to see that the other cell to the right of me was empty. It wasn’t because I didn’t want to have to listen to two people ranting; it was more because I didn’t want to have to see another person locked up in this hell hole.
It wasn’t until dinner that I was able to see the complete nightmare that was St. Mary’s.
I waited in my cell, my stomach grumbling, when I heard the sound of clanking. It was the sound that metal makes when is being banged against metal. I leaned close to the bars to see what it was when that gigantic guard from earlier passed by, narrowly missing hitting my head with the soup spoon he dragged across the bars.
“Now! All ya loons wait against the bars, and we’ll give ya yer food.” He shouted. I remained close to the bars so I could see how dinner was done. I was guessing, simply because of the simplicity of the place, the dinner routine was the same as the breakfast and lunch routines as well. This would be important if I ever wanted to get food.
A pair of plain nurses passed by, handing out bowls. One of them passed me, and grinned. “No food for you today, loony Louise. Oh, that’s rich! We should call you Loony Louise! For short, Loony Lou! What do you think Richard?” She called over to the guard.
He grinned unpleasantly at me. “Loony Lou, eh? I like it! It’ll make it easier to remember her, especially since she’s new.” This got a laugh from the three of them. I simply glared. I wanted to shout so many things. I wanted to hurl many creative insults at them. But I knew that it wouldn’t help me at all if they were to label me as bad.
Nurse came in, a hulking mass of pure bossiness and cruelty. “Richard, stop coming up with nicknames and feed these poor afflicted souls! The bowls handed out?” He nodded solemnly, although it was clear to me that there was an intense dislike between them.
“Good.” Nurse brought in a pot of what smelled like soup. My stomach grumbled, aching for food. “Now, girls, let’s pass this out and say our daily prayers.” She and the two younger nurses began to go about ladling out food to the patients, all the while praying.
It was finished quickly, and effectively, and they all soon left. I was starving, but noticed that they had left a bowl of soup only a few feet away from my prison. I glanced around, and stuck my arm outside the cell, trying desperately to get the food. I reached as far as I could, and it was only centimeters out of my grasp. I tried again, reaching till it was painful, but it still wasn’t enough. “No!” I yelled angrily.
Richard came in, and saw me struggling. He grinned, and walked over, bringing a stool he had brought in with him. He roughly placed it on the ground, and picked up the bowl of soup.
Although I willed it not to, my rebellious stomach growled loudly, and I felt a few of the sharp pangs of hunger. I hadn’t eaten anything since breakfast, and I was starving for food. Richard laughed. “Hungry are ye?” He chuckled to himself as if it was some sort of terribly amusing joke. My eyes watched the bowl, staring at it longingly.
“Well, this ‘ere’s me own dinner, ye can’t have it.” He pulled out a spoon, and dipped it slowly into the food. He made each movement achingly slow, making me watch as he devoured it. It was torture, at least for me it was. He made a big show of enjoying it. And he dipped the spoon in again, and again… it was maddening.
I growled, gritting my teeth. The sound that came from my lips was less than human; it sounded more like a furious animal. Before I could control myself, I snapped and lashed out at Richard. I managed to reach through the bars, and hit the bowl, causing the still warm soup to pour over him. He screamed, and reacted immediately.
I felt the cold sting of his hand against my face like a shock. I sat there, wide eyed in surprise. I hadn’t been expecting that. I barely heard Richard yelling his obscenities at me. I placed my hand against the cheek, but that would not be the only thing in pain tonight.
Richard, now clearly full of rage, opened my door, and stormed into the cell. I scrambled, trying to get away from this man. I screamed, full force, as loudly as I possibly could. He grabbed me by the hair, and dragged me to the ground. “No! Help!” I called, praying that someone would hear my cries.
“Now ye see here Lou. No one crosses Richard without paying a price. No one will help ye.” I knew he must be mad. He must be as crazy as all the other loons here. I struggled, but he tightened his grip on my hair, pulling my head back. I yelled in pain.
The other patients watched with varying reactions. Some didn’t react, some watched intently, and others either tried to tell Richard to let me go, or egged him on. I got a glance of Jeremiah staring at me. “Don’t… don’t hurt… She’s… not worth it,” I heard her whisper.
“Shut up old woman!” Richard shoved her away, and I yelped. Tears streamed down my face, I was in so much pain. “Now, back to you, Loony Lou.” He began to pull his arm back, and I knew what came next. The hit came and went, and I felt a shocking amount of pain in my left eye. He attacked again, this time striking my right cheek. I noticed, even though I was in pain, that his brown eyes blazed with pure fury and hate.
I saw him wind up for another punch, when Nurse burst angrily into the room. “Richard! What in the name of Jesus do you think you’re doing? Get out of there, and let Lou go.” Her voice boomed loudly in the space, commanding attention and obedience.
He grumbled, clearly unhappy about having to let me go. He slowly pulled his hand out of my hair, and backed away. As he left the cell, Nurse gave him a hard slap in the back of the head. He merely glared at her, and shuffled out of the room, muttering angrily about how I deserved to be punished.
“Now, Dearie, it’ll be fine now that Richard is gone. You’ll be fine,” she whispered softly to me, closing the door to my cell. “Just rest and relax, Lou, you’ll get better.”
She turned to leave. “Wait! Can’t… Can’t you help me in anyway?” I cried out against my better judgment. But I needed something, some ice to help with the swelling. She turned and shook her head. It was clear to me that she didn’t really care what happened to me. She is a terrible nurse, and probably shouldn’t even be here.
Nurse left, her large hips swaying and her feet barely coming off the ground, making an annoying shuffling sound. It was a wonder to me, how she managed to stand at all. How can she stand with all those layers of fat on her body? It would have amused me, in a cruel way, should she suddenly just tip over because she could no longer support her bulk.
I curled up in a corner, now remembering my own pain. The brutal marks that Richard had left me throbbed, and I wanted to just lie down and die. Certainly, that would make things easier. It would be better than standing this place.
I’d only been here a few hours, at best, and I already hated it. I wanted to leave with all my heart. I tried to keep a stiff upper lip, I tried to remain calm. But it was so hard. I was in so much pain, both on the inside and the outside. It was like being torn apart in both places.
I stiffened, and sat against the wall, and stared out into space. I wouldn’t cry, not now. I’d rather be eaten alive by a pack of wolves before giving them that satisfaction. I glared at the dark walls, and I waited for the next day to come.
…
Months passed. I behaved. I did as I was told. I ate my dinner. I took my medicine. Things faded into a blurry daze. Soon, I no longer thought about it, I began to just go along with the process of things…
I barely remember why I’m here; it’s become another part of the whirling mist that is my past. I began to deteriorate, little bits of me falling off. I barely remembered my own name.
“Why am I here?” I asked to no one in particular. I tried desperately to recall why I was locked away here. It was like trying to hold on to an extremely slimy metal bar. It kept falling away once I had it.
Nurse, big, kind Nursie who was here to take care of me, to make me feel better, came into the room. I headed to the door of my cell, knowing that she was here to give me my medicine.
She quickly came to my cell. “So, how are you today Lou? Feeling any better?”
“No, Nurse. I’m not,” I’d uttered the words so many times before that they slipped from my mouth mechanically. Almost as if I was trained to say those very words. “But, Nurse, why am I here?”
“Oh… well.” Nurse looked uncomfortable, and I wondered why. “You were put here because you did something very bad. You hurt people, and they didn’t get better.” She spoke to me simply. I didn’t mind.
“But how, Nurse, how?” I wanted to know, something inside of me nagged at me, trying to get answers.
“You killed them. They both died because you cut them badly.” She sighed, as if she’d been holding this back for a long time. “Now take your pills.”
But I didn’t take my pills. I wasn’t even listening to her. I remembered in a snap. It had always been there, I just never truly chose to remember it. Someone had locked me up here for killing my family. But I hadn’t done it. I remember that.
“It wasn’t my fault. Then who did it?” Anger filled my mind; I wanted to know who had unjustly killed my son, who had murdered my husband. “Did you, Nurse? Did you kill them?”
I stood, anger clouding my judgment. She shook her head, a look of shock crossing her face. “You did! You did, didn’t you? You killed them; it’s all your fault!” I snapped, and reached though the bars, aiming my hands for her throat.
“Murderer! Beast! I shall remove you from this world and send you to hell where you belong!” My grip tightened, I was made strong by my fury. She tried to break free, but poor, fat Nurse was not strong enough to overpower me.
She made a strange squawking sound as I strangled her. Suddenly, there was a banging at the door, and Richard broke into the room. “Looks like Loony Lou’s snapped the rest of the way!” he shouted.
Quickly, he grabbed my wrists, trying to loosen the hold I had on Nurse. “No! She must pay,” I snarled, trying to hang on. I was so close; Nurse had already started to turn a bright cherry red, and continued to gurgle uselessly.
But Richard, a trained guard, was stronger than me, and he ripped my hands from Nurse’s throat. I hissed angrily, scrambling to the side of my cage. “He must be in on the plot. I can’t trust anyone. They all must have been involved. It’s not my fault they died. Not mine at all,” I muttered, huddled over in the corner.
Nurse fell to the floor and lay there gasping. After about a minute, she sat up, and glared at me, but there was fear in her eyes. “Someone call a doctor! Tell him that she’s become far more dangerous, and can no longer be handled safely.”
Richard complied immediately, and ran to get the doctor. Nurse simply stayed as far away from me as possible, eyeing me like I was some sort of wild animal that was not to be trusted. She had every right to be afraid, because I was going to get revenge for my family’s death.
Thinking I had calmed, she took a few steps closer to my cell. A few more steps and… I leapt for the bars of my cage, hoping to grab her hand, and pull her close, murdering the person who had mangled my family. But she backed away quickly, expecting it.
‘No!’ I wanted to yell, but I would wait. So I slinked back to the corner of my cell, more like my cage if you asked me, and sat it wait for something to happen.
A doctor walked in, and stared at me. “She just attacked again, Dr. Blood. I narrowly missed it.” Nurse glanced apprehensively at me, but I was too focused on the doctor to care.
In the past few months, I’d only seen Nurse, Richard, and the other patients here. This doctor was nothing like them. He was a thin, cold looking man; his eyes gave off nothing but cool hate, and he seemed to a sneer frozen on his face. It was as if he thought I was less than him. It made me hate him immediately.
“Well,” Dr. Blood said his voice like a draft of ice. I shivered even though I was not cold. “This is unfortunate. I heard they found the man responsible, and that she is no longer considered guilty. The court now realizes she wasn’t mad at all, and wants to pull her out of the home.”
Nurse and Richard gasped, both surprised to hear this news. “But if she was sane in the first place, why is she like this now?” Nurse finally managed to say something after a short silence.
“Lord only knows, but we should proceed carefully. It would look bad for St. Mary’s if she were to be discovered. They might even think that she went mad here. We can’t let them think that.” Dr. Blood said coldly.
I was so confused. They wanted me to come out? The true murderer? But there was the true murderer! Why couldn’t anyone else see that it was Nurse’s fault! She killed them!
I knew they must all be on her side. Everyone. There was a conspiracy forming, and soon they would want me dead to. I began to talk forcefully about what I would do to them if they came close to me. But the three completely ignored me, like I wasn’t actually there.
Dr. Blood continued. “We must make her disappear, no one must know of her. If they think that she went mad while under our care, they will surely strip us of our jobs, and hand the patients off to someone else. And they will not be able to care for these unfortunate people as well as we have. But how are we to make you disappear, Louise? How are we going to get rid of you?”
I stared into the icy glare, and I felt trapped. I knew he was planning something, and I wanted to know what it was. I needed to know. I watched as he smiled, but I hated it even more, and in the core of my soul I felt a twinge of dread.
“Poor Louise. The pain she felt at being convicted of the murder, and the loss of her family was too much for her. She is sadly, no longer with us. She… managed to get a hold of some rope and… hung herself from the rafters. She died saying that she would now be at peace with her family.” Dr. Blood said, mock sadness in his voice, but none on his face. The broadening of the doctor’s smile told me what he planned to do about me. I froze in terror, my shock showing on my face.
“Richard,” Dr. Blood ordered softly, “Get the rope out of the storage closet.”
