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Wandering through I am insane, literally. I spent a long time in the mental ward for attempting to end my life. Now I fight with the pain.


XanVega
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Long time...
It has been a very long time since I felt like writing my thoughts, I need to do it more, I feel the shadows of my mind creeping back to me. I know, I complain too much but at least I am alive, I will say that right away. I am thankful to be alive. I just am tired of being sick and tired. I will endure until my heart quits on me, I see no point in endless crying over the pain any more... when I die, I die.

Morbid... I know. I am just being realistic. I am going to accomplish all I can with my time I have. I will keep fighting to finish my novel... I have pretty much given up on becoming a mother... or on having friends. I have been a terrible friend, I have no patience for people these days. I have one friend who is dying, very very sick... well I can't even offer him a gentle word because I know he will more or less just spit in my face like he has others... and I know if he snaps at me, I will snap back. crying




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Time to die (A Poem)
I do believe there is a time to die and we all face it, some sooner than others. I feel as if I now am staring down the blade of the Reaper's sickle. I am not afraid, instead I am saddened. The people I most wanted to say goodbye to paid no attention, I am sure it just looked like any other goodbye to them. I wish I had the balls to tell them exactly what they meant to me exactly what I thought of them.... say exactly what I wanted to say. But I will never be man enough to do that nor woman enough to admit I am wrong.

God please let me wake up in the morning and this been a failure. I do and don't want to die. I do and don't wish to live. I crave release but fear the fire. I am on the losing side of eternity. Am I cursed forever or am I on the path home? Some one save me, some one grab me, I am scared of the dark night. The pain is too great, too much for one person to bear alone but never will I burden you because I am your fence post.

Finished and drained, empty and wasted, I lay broken at the bottom of life's well. Unshed tears spill over my cheeks, weeping for those many times I dared not. The visions dim, the blurs fading to night as my glasses lay away from my face. Last beats, irregular and sparce, metering out the final moments of this confused soul. I was never man enough to just suck it all up.... but never was I woman enough to let it all go... I failed you all and this shell is all I have left in life's cruel show.




XanVega
Community Member
dev1



XanVega
Community Member
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0 comments
Freezing
WHY CAN'T I KEEP THIS DAMN ROOM CLEAN? I CAN'T TURN ON THE HEATER UNTIL MY ROOM IS CLEAN! I AM SUCH A ******** UP!!!!




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The insomniac
I keep shifting in my chair and not because the story I am writing is so thrilling, but because I just dislocated my hip again. I am just utterly pissy because everything I am trying to do is going down the drain. I can't keep the room clean, I can't pay off my damn bills, and I can't even give away my art. AHHH!!!! I am just so angry!!! I will get over it... I have no attention span so I am likely to not remember this.



XanVega
Community Member
dev1


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