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Just who am I kidding? Kami, I remember so clearly the day I told her I never loved her. I remember how hurt she looked, how mad she was at me the next time I saw her. I remember it hurt. But I remember I didn't show any remorse. She hadn't loved me, why should I have loved her?

But I couldn't lie, damn it all. To lie about not loving her would be just as bad as her lying anout loving me. But she didn't believe me, her trust in me was shattered, just like my trust in her was shattered. And I knew there would be no way we would ever look at eachother the same again, and I knew things would be better off if I was dead to her.

But, for some reason, I'm not dead yet. I don't know if it's because of my writing, or my drawing, or my art. I don't know if my heart is still trying to trick my brain that things might go back to normal. Because I know it never will.

And each time she says she wants to be friends I die a little inside. But it's never enough to actually physically kill myself, no. I keep telling myself that I don't love her, that I never did, because I'm the only person I can lie to. But I do still have feelings for her, or I wouldn't talk about her constantly. I wouldn't make fun of her, and tell people the awful things she did to me. Because I realize I only do those things because I want her to notice me, to talk to me, even if all she's doing is yelling by now. Even if she only listens to me anymore is so she can come back with some snarky remark.

"I'm sorry for the way I teased you that night I stayed over," she claims. I don't believe her, she enjoyed it. She enjoyed every time she made me blush, every time she sped my heart up, or made my breath hitch in my throat. She savors every tear I ever shed because of her, and ever drop of blood I lost to punish myself for treating her so wrong.

Even though she was treating me just as bad.

See, there I go doing it again!

But who am I kidding. I'm an idiot, and I'm an awful, horrible, devious, bastardly, bitchy excuse for a human being who was never good enough for her, and we both always knew it. She was leading me on, and I could tell, but I was loving it because even if they were all lies I wanted it, and I wanted her. And even when she toys with me, plays my emotions, manipulates me like the goddamned puppet I am, the ******** marrionette who's strings are held by her, I don't care. No matter how much I may try to deny it, how much I try to tell myself she's nothing, a lying, cheating whore, someone who could never feel the emotions I actually told myself I would never feel for anyone, ever since I was little.

I'm kiding no one. I love her, and I always will, and there's not a damn thing anyone can do about it.

I wish I could just die already.

The Romeo Complex. They say you have a Romeo Complex when you feel a need to be emotionally attached to someone. When you know someone, and are very close to them, you may trick yourself into loving them. Not because you love them. But because you love the feeling of being in love.

I made this subconscious mistake almost a year ago, and it's made my life hell. I had a very close friend, one of whom I could talk to, and I had recently broken up with someone. After our group of friends had a cataclysmic falling out, we tended to break off into small groups. Since me and her had already been good friends, not to mention we had several other things in common (eg: our sexualities and religions) we stuck together. We got really close, and it seemed that I liked her. I talked to her about it, and, as she says, she liked me too.

But I didn't realize I "liked her" until she brought it up. So, the question stands;
Did I "fall in love" with her because I really loved her? Or because I subconsciously wanted to fall in love with her?

And on that note, since she's left me, I've been very confused. Sometimes I feel like I hate her, and others I fell like I'm more in love with her than ever. And I always feel as though I'll never love again. But after a long conversation with my English teacher, I have to think; Do I actually still love her? Or do I have a Romeo Complex?

Have I grown so attached to her that I need her in my life? Or just another person? Do I need that brat, or will any brat do? I know my type, and it's the exact opposite of me. And I still wonder; Do I need her to love me? Or do I just need someone who will put up with me like she did, but for much, much longer.

These are some questions many of you may want to ask yourselves when you go through a harsh break-up. Do I still love her/him? Can I move on? And most important: Did I actually ever love her/him at all?

Well, goodnight everyone. This has been Sasori L Cox with this months Deep and Insightful Thoughts on What Has Happened to Him, and What He's Trying to Keep You From Going Through.