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memoirs
People often ask me where I went wrong in life, and who do I blame for the shape I'm in. And to be honest I really don't know. Maybe there really is no one to blame and maybe there really is no reason to why these things happened, maybe this was just one of those things tha happens, just pure dumb luck I suppose. People ask me why I never open up and share anything with them, maybe it's because once I do I can see the horrified faces it leaves. And I'm not looking for sympathy and I'm not out to give anyone a guilt trip. I can't really remember where it was in life that I started to derail. I know my home life wasn't that great, but I don't blame that for the shape that I'm in. I can't really blame my mother, as messed up as she is and despite the ******** up s**t she did. I know there were times when she cared and tried her best. And I can't blame my father despite how angry he got and despite how much he took it out on us, I do't blame him. Maybe the things they did helped shape my views on life or maybe it has only blurred them, I don't know. I wish I could say I was a good person, and I could but that would be lie. I've lied, I've cheated and I've stolen. But does that make me less of a man than you or the person sitting next to you. If you were in my shoes would you have done the same? If I had the chance to do things over again, would I? Yes. I would do things diffrently. Where do I start in this memoir, this confession? I was born in North Carolina, and I was adopted as a infant. I spent the first 2 years of my life by myself as a only child. I was told I was happy then. But when you're the only child and you're 2, what's not to be happy about? The world is your oystar. At 2 I moved to Knoxville, TN. I remeber a lot of that. I remember all the fights mom and dad had. I don't know why we were such a angry family. By the time I was in Kindergarten we had adopted my younger brother Caleb. And I had problems adjusting to this, I mean who wouldn't? I was wondering where did all my attention go. But we got along somehow, and my brother and I got along no matter what. I do remember that the whole time I lived in Knoxville I went to private schools. They said they wanted me to recieve a christian education but I think it was because dad was so involved in the church, some type of ministry, they had to potray a postive image. Some friendly outershell for the world to see. I remember one night me and mom were doing math flash cards, yeah I know it's pathetic but this is the 2nd grade cut me some slack. Well apparently I wasn't getting all the problems right and I was tired cause it was so late, what little kid wouldn't get a little irritable it's only natural. But mom didn't understand that and she jsut started screaming at me. But that's the earliest I can remember. She's admited to yelling at me while I was younger recently but fourtnately I don't remember it. As time wore on mom and dad's marriage grew stressed, paitence wearing thin. And when I was in 2nd grade that year they decided to call it quits. They wanted a seperation. So they took a break. But mom was so lonely she says and she thought it was right at the moment so she went and ******** dad's best friend before they were offically divorced. By this time we'd already adopted my 3rd brother Stephen. And we were living in this little shihole appartment that was barely big enough for us all. But mom's ******** dad's best friend is where my 4th brother will come from, David. I don't see anyhting bad when I look at David, I love him very much, he's been a blessing to my life. But mom couldn't afford to take care of 3 kids and be pregnant at all at once cause she had no marketable skills and was relying on other people at the time for money. I remember after we left the apparetment we moved to a condo. I thought things were going, great, and I remember it having a balcony in it and it looking like something from a movie I'd seen. So I thought things we're going great, but they weren't. I remember dad would come over and visit quite often. I remember one night in particular, I remember the condo still being full of boxes and the OJ trial on tv. I remeber mom and dad were arguing about something downstairs and me and Caleb were upstairs palying with our toys and we started to wrestle. Maybe we were just annoying him but I remember this night cause I was 8 years old and dad came out the stairs, this big 6'6" man and hit me in the leg. It scared me to death. To be honest I was never able to see him the same afterwards. There's always that fear that if you ******** up you'll get hit. But not too shortly after that dad aranged for us to move to Memphis and live with his parents the rest of the year cause mom couldn't aford for us to live the way we were and she couldn't handle 3 kids at once while she was pregnant. After that we moved to West Memphis, AR. We got a litte house there, a small rundown house. This house was so small and there were so many things wrong with it. I remember it had birds in the attic, wonderful diseases. And one time one of the toliets in that house broke and we were pretty much too poor to have it fixed so piss just kept collecting in it and stinking, I'm supprised none of us got sick from it. I remember dad coming to visit us there, he was now living in Cinnicinati Ohio. I remember having to stand there and watch him drive away not sure of when or if I get to see him again. I remember the hell I went through that year. I had to repeat 2nd grade mom said not cause of grades but cause she felt the previous year had been too stressful on me. I remember having to try to explain to the kids where my dad was and that I really did have one when they would ask about him. And I remember kids telling me I didn't belong nad I'd never have a home since I was adopeted that ment no one wanted me. But life goes one. I remember events during these years cleary and I could tell you everyone of my teacher's names but I for some reason can't rember when in the period of 3 years these things happend. I remember dad coming over one day and apparently my mom and had done something that pissed my dad off cause I remember dad telling the b***h to shut her mouth before he punched her teeth down her throat and that he would put her face through the wall. Even though things were so bad I still wanted him to stay with us. I was begging and pleading for him to stay, I actually even remember stacking some of the packages of David's diappers in front of the door like that would keep a man of his size from leaving, but I didn't want him to go. I remember running out to the car as got in and grabbing the hood and crying and begging for him to not leave. But nothing I said changed anything. I rember mom taking me to therapy sessions in Knoxville and she continued to do that here but now she tried to convince the doctors that there was something wrong with me. She kept going from doctor to doctor until she found one that would agree with her. The doctor told her I had ADD, and every person I've talked to has said I don't have it. But mom put me on the drugs for it and a anti-depressent. I didn't need this s**t, I didn't have any problems. I mean at age 9 how depressed can you really be. It was a control issue. Not too long after that mom started going to singles groups in Memphis and started dating around. She met my step dad there and they got married. Now it's time for 5th grade. This was a big adjustment in my life, there was a new man in my life and I felt like he was trying to replace my dad. He was a bit harsh and a bit hateful at times. I'm still on the same drugs I believe maybe some diffrent ones, just generic brands. During 5th grade was when I made the change to the public school system again another big change in my life. We're living in Memphis now. Always constantly moving. I exclled in 5th grade cause I'd already coverd the material they coverd in 5th grade, I covered that in 4th grade at WMCS. But apparently I was lacking social skills. It was sometime toward the end of the school year that dad moved back to Memphis or maybe it was my 6th grade year. I remeber now being over at dad's house and he got mad at me cause again I was wrestleing with my brothers. This time it was with Stephen, by now he'd gotten much bigger. But dad pushed me into the door, and furthering my fear of him. Now mom wasn't as violent but she would try to make me feel bad about us needing esntial things like food and clothing cause it cost her money. I don't think she ever recovered from being that poor cause I remember there was a time around 2nd grade when we were actually on something like foodstamps cause that was the only way we could get by. I think the greed for money and lust for it overwhlmed her. I remember going through middle school and just constantly feeling so low. It was like no matter what I did we could never have one day just to get away, we could never have a break from the conflict and expectaions. I wanted to please them I really did and I tried my best. I remembe going through middle school and making the minimal grades to get by, this was a trend that would follow me through high school. I don't know what they wanted from me I'd already become a adult. That happened at 9 when I was basicly taking care fo myself and 3 younger brothers. I was almost taking on the responsibilites of parent. There's no time for fun in 2nd grade. Now it's my freshman year of high school. I'm still on my drugs that mom put me on. Same s**t just difftrent variations. She had me medicated so far out my head that half the time I didn't know what I was doing. I remember when I was in middle school actually we went on a vacation with dad's girlfriend and her kids to a statepark. We rented a cabin there and I don't remember what it was that I'd done. I remember spraying the silly string that his girl friend put in my hand and said "here it'll be funny" and the next thing I know I'm in the bathroom and dad has set me down on the edge of the tub and kicked my legs. Back to high school. I might have been medicated out of my head and barely scraping by academically but I was somehow gaining some socail skills. I was never in any clubs. I remember my sophmore year I decided ******** grades I was going to try and get the attention I'd never gotten at home from school at whateve cost. So I rebelled and became a a*****e. I decided halfway through this year why the ******** have I been listening to my mom for so long, I'm bigger than her now. I took myself of my meds. I started to things in a whole new light, or at least feel better about who I was. I finsihed up that year almost flunking out of high school. So we decided I should home school my last 2 years so that I could at least have a chance to graduate. So I started off my Junior year at home greart I missed my friends but once again I was excelling at school. But half way through the year my mom sort of lost intrest in it. I guess she found a new hobby. I was left to teach myself and I just couldn't do it. I don't know what happend to us that year but me and Caleb feel apart in middle school and things jsut got worse then. I remember threatening to kill him one and pulling a knife on him, hello anger management. I remember one time in my junior year I beleive I walked in and hit him in the face for no reason and we got into a knock out, drag out fist fight and when I decided to call it quits and get up and leave he hit me right in the back and almost stopped my heart and almost killed me. I remember my mom flipping out one time and telling me she had a loaded gun in her bed room and i made her want to blow the back of her ******** hed out. I don't know what I did to her to make her so mad but one night at dinner I said something as a joke and she slapped and kicked me out, bagged up my s**t dropped me at dad's. I got sent to dad's we had off and on fights always ending with me almost endding up in a halfway house. That went on the majority of my senior year. I remember over this last summer my brother called us and told us that my step dad hgad hit him. And I wasn't going to stand for this s**t. This guy used to hit us hit a 2x4 he had widdled down to a paddle. So I drove over there and went in the house with a pair of pliars and told him if he laid a hand on him I'd bash his ******** head in. They then called the cops on me cause I was refusing to leave with my brothers. I went through a long period of depression after that but now I feel great with where I'm at.
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