Meh, just one of those times I guess, to rant and get a few things out of my system.
I feel as if I'm holding myself back to much in a lot of things. The thing is, I find something I want to get to know about, possibly sample and see if I want to stick with it [such as if it's music or food or whatever] but the constant thing holding me back is the fact that I have this feeling someone will say something to the effect I'm copying someone. Maybe I am, maybe I'm not or at least not intentionally. It just....bugs me to know that there would be people that I consider to even say that to me and...eh.
Also, I tend to realize, much to late, that there are things I should and should not say and when to keep my mouth shut. Trust me, if that's happened to a friend and they felt hurt, I was probably equally hurt, mentally beating my head against the wall constantly repeating "Why the hell did I say that? WHY DID I EVEN OPEN MY GOD DAMNED MOUTH?" It happens a lot. I've got a lot to learn it seems. One other thing I'd like to clear up from my mind is the fact that I constantly berate myself. I can't help it. Many times when I look back on conversations I've had that day I realize that sometimes I try to call attention to myself. I wont lie, I know I do it sometimes, but many times it's after the fact, when the damage is already done. That I can't help much either, although I try not to grab attention to myself - I know how annoying that can get [I mean those kind of people]. I do it unintentionally, or subconsciously...not sure which.
I also have a few problems self-esteem wise at times as well as self-motivation. I have a feeling several things shall be dropped and or something will happen soon, medically [like some kind of disease] or whatever. I know I'm overweight...I know I need to practice my piano and now voice lessons....I know I shouldn't procrastinate....I know these things....I just have a problem being motivated enough to actually do them more then just haphazardly.
One other thing is that I know I'm probably one of the biggest hypocrites. Most times I don't realize that I've just completely went against something I had just said before and several times I know I have. So many conflicts within myself. That's probably why I'm sick a lot. A lot of times most of these things I bury within myself, or at least I try to in any case. Heh...maybe I need to just grow up, get the ******** over it, DO SOMETHING about it and maybe I might feel better about myself. But then again, back to the lack of self-motivation.
Ugh....I just...feel like crap this week. Did a lot of thinking last week because I was on spring break. One of these days I think I might try to kill off any remaining characters in RPs and then get away from my computer. I want to change things about myself, like my weight and everything....and I need to start at the extremes, getting rid of my biggest distraction - the computer - then get up off my fat lazy a** and exercise and then actually do my damned homework for once.
...Guess that's all for now.
 MilleniaTetsuren · Fri Apr 13, 2007 @ 03:17am · 1 Comments |
