RULES OF AKATSUKI!!!
1. Do not ask the Leader what is underneath his mysterious black cloud of mystery.
2. Do not steal his TempurPedic Mattress®
3. You shall not ask Sasori if he “wants to be a real boy”.
4. Or try to make him lie to see if his nose grows.
5. Calling Yume a “vege-head” is not funny.
6. You shall not try to stop Sukkiri from talking to inanimate objects.
7. Doing so will result in certain and sudden death.
8. Do not ask Deidara if he went to the “Trannies, Grannies, and Superheroes” party.
9. Cheating in strip poker to see if Deidara is a woman should not be tolerated,
10. But it is, so keep it discreet.
11. We are not a gang of pimps.
12. And Yume and Sukkiri are neither our hoes nor our bitches.
13. Yume should not be woken up before 9 o’clock. Doing so will result in loss of limb(s). The only exception to this rule is Itachi.
14. Do not say “hella good” or “my bad”.
15. You are not a gangster.
16. Or a “Straight up G”.
17. The other members shall not be referred to as your “dawgs”, “homies”, “blood brothers/sisters”, and/or “pack mules”.
18. Use your own toothbrush. If Zetsu eats it, buy a new one. Please.
19. Do not call Kakuzu “old man” or “grandpa”.
20. Or the “hundred-year-old virgin”, for that matter.
21. Itachi doesn’t like mascara comments.
22. Just as Deidara doesn’t like eyeliner comments.
23. So don’t sing anything along the lines of “Maybe she’s born with it…maybe it’s Maybelline!”
24. The words ‘Deidara’ and ‘PMSing’ do not belong in the same sentence.
25. On that subject, whenever Yume or Sukkiri gets excessively mad, please refrain from saying, “Must be PMS.”
26. Do not make Tobi believe that: he is smart, he is a sexpot, women want “his goods”, or that he is “Tobilicious”.
27. Don’t ask Zetsu if he is a heterotroph or an autotroph.
28. Or grow drugs on his head.
29. “Free-for-alls” are strictly prohibited. You know what we mean.
30. Yes, Tobi is an open target.
31. Do not call the mouths on Deidara’s hands “sexual fetishes”.
32. To all Akatsuki hopefuls: The sob story of your past is most likely only cared about by you.
33. You are at no time allowed to “ghost-ride the Whip”.
34. Don’t call Itachi a “prettyboy”.
35. Or call Deidara a “p***y”, “pansy”, or “fresh springtime flower.”
36. Avoid letting Hidan talk about Jashin.
37. Teen pop idols with boyfriend problems are no friends of ours.
38. You shall not “relive the 80s”.
39. Underage drinking rules do not apply.
40. You shall not “ride ‘em, cowboy!”
41. No calling Kakuzu a Muslim.
42. You are not allowed to say the Uchihas “hit puberty early”.
43. No matter how perfect your nails are, how flawless your skin is, or how shiny your hair is, you are in no way “delicious”.
44. Nor do you belong on the cover of Teen People.
45. Under no circumstances are you “cooler than a frozen sun” or “hot like a burning flame”.
46. Do not make pottery out of Deidara’s clay.
47. When playing Texas Holdem’, cowboys hats are not permitted.
48. The Samehada shaves flesh, not facial hair.
49. Don’t call Sasori’s puppets “Barbie dolls”.
50. When in doubt, blame Orochimaru, no matter how far away from the Akatsuki he actually is.
51. The leader shall never be referred to as “Rinnykins” or “Pinny clause”
52. Sasori is NOT “Pinoccio.”
53. Art is a bang. Do not contradict this statement.
54. There is nothing strange about Deidara saying “un.”
55. Do not start saying “Un” yourself.
56. Kisame is blue. This do not justify singing “Eiffel65” songs in his presence.
57. Zetsu is allowed to contradict himself as much as he wants to.
58. No prank phone calls to Otogakure. As amusing as it is to annoy Orochimaru, the long distance bills make it detrimental to our fund- raising.
59. No eating Muffins. EVER.
60. No “Fish are friends not food” jokes to Kisame
61. No humming of the “Jaws” theme, either.
62. No comparing our plans to that of “Pinky and the Brain.”
63. Do not sing “Puff the magic dragon” around Ryuu.
64. The “Barbie girl song” is banned from the headquarters.
65. Tobi is fair game for any teasing, taunting, or abuse.
66. No suicide attempts ( THIS MEANS YOU, RYUU!)
67. Deidara’s clay is not a plaything.
68. What happens at poker night, stays at poker night.
69. Keeps sake away from Ryuu at all costs.
70. Bathe regularly.
71. Nothing said while drunk should be taken seriously.
72. Nothing said while drunk should be repeated.
73. Kakuzu is not “ Mr. Monopoly”, or “Scrooge,” and should not be referred to as such.
74. No ordering Pizza to the hideout.
75. You are in no way “Bringing sexy back.”
76. We will conquer all small villages- except for Crazy no sato. Their leader baked our leader cookies.
77. Marshmallows are evil. PURE EVIL.
78. Gin does NOT resemble Orochimaru. It is wrong to imply that she does.
79. Ryuu does indeed resemble a porcelain doll. But please refrain from pointing that out. For safety reasons.
80. Do not, under any circumstances, remove Ryuu’s blindfold without permission
81. No streaking. (I’m talking to YOU, Kisame.)
82. DeiRyuu fanfiction is strictly prohibited.
83. GinRyuu fanfiction is also prohibited.
84. Ryuu is not to be referred to as an “Emo kid.”
85. Or an “Angst monkey”
86. Gin is not to be referred to as anybody’s “b***h”
87. You are not “Luke” nor am I your father.
88. The “I’m not wearing underwear” song is banned.
89. We are not “Akatsukilicious”
90. Hidan is NOT “Draco Malfoy.”
91. Do not sell Sasori’s puppets over “Ebay”
92. Even if “It’s what he would have wanted”
93. You are NOT “The Real Slim Shady”
94. No tackle-glomping anyone smaller than you are, for safety reasons.
95. Though funny, do not tell Gin that she is “The weakest link, goodbye.”
96. “My little pony” does not belong in the Akatsuki hideout.
97. No singing, or dancing to the “Pepto Bismol” song.
98. “Save a horse, Ride a weasel” is NOT funny.
99. No one cares if you “know where Waldo is.”
100. There will be absolutely NO “going commando” under the Akatsuki cloak. ( This means YOU, Hidan)
