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I'm so scared of losing Phil... of him breaking up with me. I've been wanting to meet him SO BADLY since forever and we finally had a chance this weekend, I was going to get Mom to take me to the Pat's Pizza in Phil's hometown, we could meet there and have pizza. I told him I was getting Mom to take me there... and then he told me he might not even be there. He said he was going to be with his friend Derek. Naturally, I got really upset. (I'm always really upset over SOMETHING, ne?) and I started to kinda freak out, and I asked him why he couldn't just go back home on Sunday and meet up with me then at Pat's Pizza. So then he started to tell me that I was making him feel like crap. That's when I started to get scared, that's something Jake would have done. I always thought that Phil kind of reminded me of Jake, but I had pushed that thought aside lately, until he started acting more like him. Jake would always make me feel like the bad person, and he would always avoid talking to me. Just like Phil was doing. It also seemed like Phil was trying to avoid meeting me. But that doesn't make sense, why WOULDN'T he want to meet me after saying so many times that he wants to see his ******** girlfriend, and that he was trying his best to come see me?
Well, his computer must've stopped working... so I got off the computer and lay in bed. Then I decided to e-mail him and tell him that he was reminding me of Jake. That might've been a really bad idea, and it might make him break up with me, but I thought he wanted to know how I felt (even though every time I tell him how I feel, he says I'm making him feel like crap).
Then I was laying in bed again... and I thought "What if he wasn't trying to avoid me... what if he was trying to surprise me?" my only hints of that were that he once mentioned trying to get to Bangor or to get someone to drive him to Bangor without telling me so he could surprise me. (But that might just be another Jake-ish thing). But last night he also mentioned that he and Derek might go to Bangor, but he wouldn't ask him to go to a certain place at a certain time to meet me for Pendragon only knows what reason.
I'm so confused... I wish we could just have a happy relationship... together... I really don't want us to break up. He promised me that he would take me away from here one day. I really believed him. If I found out it was just a lie, my heart would be more than broken. I'd probably lose any will to live. I really really wish I could leave this place and be with him... but I might not be able to anymore.
He hasn't gotten on yet today. Last night I also told him to call me if he couldn't get online. I don't know if he got my e-mails though. I really hope he doesn't just break up with me... and that he tries to work it out with me instead...
I e-mailed my big brother, Jake (a different Jake, der) and he said it really did sound like Phil was trying to avoid meeting me... which is exactly what I was afraid of.
Well, his computer must've stopped working... so I got off the computer and lay in bed. Then I decided to e-mail him and tell him that he was reminding me of Jake. That might've been a really bad idea, and it might make him break up with me, but I thought he wanted to know how I felt (even though every time I tell him how I feel, he says I'm making him feel like crap).
Then I was laying in bed again... and I thought "What if he wasn't trying to avoid me... what if he was trying to surprise me?" my only hints of that were that he once mentioned trying to get to Bangor or to get someone to drive him to Bangor without telling me so he could surprise me. (But that might just be another Jake-ish thing). But last night he also mentioned that he and Derek might go to Bangor, but he wouldn't ask him to go to a certain place at a certain time to meet me for Pendragon only knows what reason.
I'm so confused... I wish we could just have a happy relationship... together... I really don't want us to break up. He promised me that he would take me away from here one day. I really believed him. If I found out it was just a lie, my heart would be more than broken. I'd probably lose any will to live. I really really wish I could leave this place and be with him... but I might not be able to anymore.
He hasn't gotten on yet today. Last night I also told him to call me if he couldn't get online. I don't know if he got my e-mails though. I really hope he doesn't just break up with me... and that he tries to work it out with me instead...
I e-mailed my big brother, Jake (a different Jake, der) and he said it really did sound like Phil was trying to avoid meeting me... which is exactly what I was afraid of.
Joeru-niichan replied with...
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I can see where Phil's coming from, in a sense, but knowing you, I also understand how you must feel. But if you constantly badger someone like that, you really will make them feel bad. You have to trust him and hope for the best, and try not to accuse him or push too much. Just.. take it easy, and I'm sure it'll work out.
I really didn't think I was badgering him... but I must have been. I didn't do it to make him feel bad, of course, I would never do anything to make him feel bad.
Awhile after I made that entry and got Joeru-niichan's comment, I found a link in my Gmail to a very interesting article.
It talked about people being attracted to people who had the traits of something psychologists call a "Sociopath." That name sounds INSANE. It's used for guys (and girls maybe) that people call "codependants" (like what I think I might be) go out with a lot. Codependants go out with Sociopaths because of the relationship it gives them. The person called it a "hot-cold" relationship, which basically means sometimes you feel really good, and sometimes you feel like doggy poo. And the codependants are addicted to that kind of relationship because of some imbalance in their brain. Some psychological issue. They say codependants come from abusive or addictive parents. But my parents aren't that abusive, or addictive. My dad smokes cigarettes and my mom almost hit me once, but that's it. So I guess I'm not really a codependant, but everything else described in that article really sounded like me.
They also listed a bunch of traits that described Sociopaths. I wrote some down that either reminded me of Jake or seemed to fit Phil.
All of the following are Jake-traits--
Superficial Charm
Pathological Lying
Parasitic Lifestyle
Lack of realistic, long-term goals
Irresponsibility
Failure to accept responsibility for ones actions.
And these are the ones that seemed to fit Phil (though I might be wrong)--
Parasitic Lifestyle; I only add this one because he still lives with his parents, and because he hasn't learned to drive yet
Lack of realistic, long-term goals; it's not that he has a lack of them, it's just that he never accomplishes his goals. Like how he doesn't send stuff in the mail when he should. He told me he was going to send me something for Valentine's Day, and I haven't gotten it. He said he was going to learn to drive, he hasn't. He said he was going to write a story for me, he hasn't finished it. Though that last one I can understand because the type of story he's trying to write is rather difficult. But he also takes a long time to accomplish his goals. One time I mentioned he should write an OD entry so I would have something to read, plus he hadn't updated in awhile, and he said he would, but it took him forever.
I really don't think Phil is a sociopath, at all. But sometimes our relationship does seem like that kind of thing... I hope it isn't, because those are unhealthy relationships and they, like most other relationships for me, don't last forever.
