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I just had my heart lifed and then broken in the same moment. Whoa qiute an emotional trip yo. Not one I remember buying a ticket for. Terry called. Ricky's Doing aight. He's been through a lot but he's pulling through and straightening up. That's great. My baby's ok. My baby! But she doesn't want him to have contact with the old group. ANY of us. So I'll NEVER see my lil Fagg again. +Bites lip and chokes back tears+ And I'll never get a chance to apologize. For anything for everything. For not being there. For not protecting as good as I could of. For hurting him just as much as those I was "protecting" him from. Ya'll don't understand how I loved that boy. I loved him like....I don't even understand it. He was a big beautiful part of my world. He knew how to make me wanna hug him and kill him at the same time. And even when I was pissed at him I was happy. It was cute and sweet. A little game that helped take the focus off the deviouse twisted painfull numbness that was our real lives. To the outside our relationhip was complicated confusing and to some even wrong. But for us it was simple pure playfull. Some to help you smile when s**t went wrong. Someone to hold and be held by when you needed to feel strong. He was the BEST dance partner I've ever had. And the whole Love-Hate thing made it all the more fun. Kept it imature and easy. But it went deeper than that. I don't even know how to describe it. But Tery's gotta piont. Ricky needs to put his past behind him. All of it. I still feel....wierd though. Theres a lot I'llnever be able to say to him.

"I'm not a perfect person
There's many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you "-Hoobastank (The reason)

"I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears"-Hoobastank (The reason)

"I'm so tired of being here
suppressed by all of my childish fears
and if you have to leave
i wish that you would just leave
because your presence still linger here
and it won't leave me alone
These wounds seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just to much that time cannot erase
when you'd cry i'd wipe away all of your tears
when you'd scream i'd fight away all of your fears
and i've held your hand through all of these years
but you still have all of me
you used to captivate me
by your resonating light
but now i'm bound by the left behind
your face is haunts my once pleasant dreams
your voice is chased away all the sanity in me
these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase
when you cried i'd wipe away all of your tears
when you'd scream i'd fight away all of your fears
and i've held your hand through all of these years
but you still have all of me
i've tride so hard to tell myself that you're gone
and though you're still with me
i've been alone all along" Evanscene (My Imortal)


Mood: Hurt cry
Music:Amber (311)