Eh...i feel sick..this feeling of, im going to throw up any second!! GAH!! but i never do..isnt this odd? Ah...im wrecking myself again..i know it, this happens a lot. You may not believe me, but really, im not depressed. neutral ..Dammit!! ..quit shaking!! It hurts!!
uuugh...i feel really sick...but dammit! im sick of playing 'piggy in the middle'!! ..hm, i will draw i quick diagram...
Dramatic no? xd But this is how it feels.
You see, ever since a week before Christmas, my parents, have been having larger than average fights (i say 'than average' because they have been fighting all our lives, what, they broke up when my sister was a couple months old, so i was like, what..1? 2ish?) Through me and my sister. Because you see, they dont talk to eachother...at all...ever! And it been that way ever since we were old enough to pass messages through to each perant properly.
So if something goes wrong, who do they take it out on? who do they yell and scream and say its there fault to?? me and my sister.
It has been this way ever since we were made 'piggy in the middle' ...Yes, maybe that is why i get like this so often. Like now 3nodding
To be honest, this is the first ive spoken about it at all! of course, apart from my sister...because it wasnt until my grandma decided to talk to us about it that she made me realise, maybe, this was wrong, that we dont actually deserve it. I been wanting to get this on here a lot, but, i like to keep my problems to myself...but then of course, when you keep things deep down inside you, completely air tight for so long, it may just burst before you even know it!
Which is probably how i got this funny fact about me...Sometimes, out of know where! i just begin to cry, i BALL my eyes out! and i cant do anything to stop it, it doesnt happen to often, but it happens, like one time, me and my aunt and sister were all out for a drive, haning out, it just like that! i started cryinging! so she had to take me home blaugh funny huh? my mums always telling me that, that that will happen if i dont talk to people. Oh well~
Do you know what hurts the most though? When my parents tell us about all the aweful things the other has done, and what a bad person they are, but with a lot more swearing lol like, just before Christmas, my mum was angry because my dad/step mum wanted us to be there on Christmas at 4, so my mum was trying to tell us about how dad had ruined every single Christmas, but we just kept saying how it wasnt all his fault, like when we got lost on the way to our aunts and ended up 2 hrs late...we just got lost...because me and my sister were little etc so not satisfied, mum decided to write down every single christmas and what dad had done to ruin them, and read hem to us. Im shocked my sister didnt cry because i was having a lot of trouble not too myself, then she asked, as she does, 'how does that make you feel? how would you feel if you were in my position?' ...Hes our dad, we look up to him and see him as flawless, he can do anything...it would be like us trying to tell her 'how does she feel' about my step dad after we tell her bout all the stuff hes done to upset us, she would just try to make excusses for him to right?
Although, he did stoop pretty low last time we came back from dads, telling us how our dad and step mum didnt care about us, cuz mum was still craped about dad not letting us go over to mums on her birthday...he tolds us things like 'why dont you think he never came to see you on your first day of school? or come over on your birthdays? he works down here so why does he have to live so far away?' in the end, i just decided to stop talking, not even look at them and try to stop them from saying such things about people you never think twice about being so aweful. im glad my mum has finally caught on, and she said 'i think its enough, i know how much you hate all this emotional stuff' ...
Well, thats a side i never let anyone see or know about, problems with my parents know one probably would have ever guessed i put up with...after years of this crap, its finally wearing away at me...i try not to let this happen to much to my sister though, i always keep her in the dark unless theres something she needs to know about. i was always the one who had the looong lectures (somehow i always do something wrong, thats how she got the nic-name 'little angel' from me).. the only one dad bitches about mum to (well, out of me and my sister) and after a fight she was also in or lecture, i just keep telling her its not her fault, that we couldnt do anything, even if i know otherwise..and then i just go to my room and cry, and i never say a word to anyone. because for whatever reason, i try to protect her, even though ive hated her so much, ..must be the 'big sister' in me rolleyes heh
Maybe a bit more? do you mind? things are just start to flow through my head...like, how this is how ive come to hating emotions, im sick off being so bombarded by them, i blocked them out...a while ago lol, anything i show anymore has been an act..but, well it was, until just over a year ago, i was becoming genuenly happy again ^_^ and my personality was a little easier to find and i could act more naturally...why does everything have to keep going so wrong?
...we were gooing to go on a holiday in march, but we wuld miss out on 2 days of school, my sis thought we were allowed and told my step mum we culd go...but she was wrong, and mum didnt want us missing out on school..youhave no idea how much tip toeing we do (including my dad) around my step mum just to keep her happy, she has serious anger issues, and now dads said, instead of my sister getting in trouble, dads gonna pretend he has to much work so we cant go...to put the blame on him...and theyve been looking forward to taking us to this place for years! my nono and nona were coming to! and its all been ruined! we tried to push it back, everything was booked! the only other time was the first weekend of the holidays..but we'd miss out on the last 1 or 2 days of school...mum said school is still more important, and it was her weekend and she doesnt want to swap weekends ever again...and now, my step mum is having a baby...she wants us to tell our mum, but my dad doesnt, we would, if it wasnt for the fact mum has always wanted more kids, but isnt able to because her insides got stuffed up when she had my sister .. i dont know how it will affect her...and until we tell her my step mum is going to get angry/confused/upset about why we arent telling her...maybe she thinks we dont like the baby? i dont know
i will admit im a little jealous of it though, well was, because i didnt want it taking my dad away from us...but then maybe, i really glad hes got something to replace me...
Well, with that finally all said, i do not feel any better, im just glad that finally someone other than me will know what i go through. Heh, lets not go near how my problems were doublefolded when i first came to highschool rofl yes, school is another thing altogether rolleyes but it will be over soon. unfortunatly, my parents quarrels wont, even after i say all this, the problems are just going on keep on coming, i just want to get as fas away from ALL of them as soon as possible, before my mind decides to crack just a little further...
'Wow...that was boring..what am emo!' you must be thinking if youve decided to read this far, if at all...so please spare me your critizism, ive had enough, if you couldnt tell by now rolleyes you have no idea how many nights ive prayed someone will come into my room and shoot me in the head already...but thank you, i am NOT suicidal.
Damm...i feel sick...
Community Member
im going to delete this entry in a couple days i think...
yeh, i will