Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

Don't really know what to say or how to speak my mind that is. Things just never turn out right. Today for a majority of it all, was basically sinking like sand. Waves throwing themselves upon rocks, light bulbs dancing in and out, plus windows holding in to shut out the cool air...

Ahh, it seems like no ones there for me or me for anyone, when I want too. Not a boyfriend or anything like that because I'm too...too proper? to be going out with guys right around this time. I'm about to graduate and if god is willing, go to college. Hell though, I doubt I will. There has never been anything in my entire life where I had the things I wanted. Real things, not actual.. "things".

A best friend that I could keep since I was little, a mother who wasn't mentally ill or atleast there for me, to know my real father, to be apart of my real family, to be good at something that I could do as a job because I'm not glamerous or pretty to be an actress, to be acknowleged instead of ignored all the time on here and a good old warm hug from someone when I'm sad.

That's what I want. If I had atleast one of those things, just one, my life would be complete but of course over half of them are impossible. I look at people who have atleast one of those that I listed and they tend to be happy or atleast normal to a good extent.

I try to be a fun loving person but it only goes so far and I'm forgotten. For the most part, I feel my very existence should be to make others happy and not have to go through the everyday trials that I gotta drag on through. No one should experience what I have to go through and all I hope to do, is make sure of that.

However, no one seems to want to bond with me, make a friendship or even know I'm around. Since I was 9 years old, it's never been like that for me, atleast not for a long time. Maybe when I grow older, it'll change...sighs.