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I don't know what to do anymore... I make her angry, which makes her sad. I try to apologize, which makes her frustrated. I try to tell her I love her, which makes her angrier...

I never get anything more than a "Humph", "No", or an awkward silence.

And over what? Because my body clock is off, and I can't sleep at night. This makes me really tired, exhausted, and falling asleep most of the day.
Really, I waited for as long as I could. 'Till half passed noon; but she didn't show up and my body was about to pass out on me...

Maybe I should have waited longer, yes. And I'm sorry that I didn't. She was online at 10:00 or 10:30 apparently? I didn't see her. Not on AIM, or on Gaia, anyway. So I don't understand how that works. But I'm still sorry I wasn't online when she logged in.

So look at everything now.
She cries. I cry. We're drowning in out own salted liquids; the teeth-shivering bitter sweetness that wants to makes it's ways down our throat and stop us from breathing.

It never used to be like this. But at some point after she got back from COYSA, something changed. I'm not saying it was her. But I'm not saying it was me. I thought it was me, but maybe it isn't. Maybe it isn't even either of us that changed. But nonetheless, something changed. April was out first real argument. It wasn't all that bad; I don't even remember what it was about. But we made up easily the next morning before she left for school.

I miss that. Because it's easy.
Typical Ryan, always looking for the easy way out.

Even now, I don't even know how I'm feeling, or how to express myself when writing this. I want to hold her, and wish my insomnia had never been an issue. Because I know that's my fault. But at the same time, I want to scream. It's really difficult to apologize when the person you're apologizing to doesn't want to listen, and interrupts you just so they won't have to hear you... But I still tried, which was a mistake. Because it only pushes her.

Typical Ryan, always making mistakes.

The last mistake I made tonight was the worst. I screamed "I'm sorry I'm so hopeless", hanging up on her to soak my pillow in my tears. What the ******** was I thinking? And now, I'm too scared to call. Too terrified of what might happen. I don't even know what she's thinking right now because of it...

Is she just as angry at me as she was when she first called? I doubt it...
She's probably even angrier at me than ever. And I think I hurt her. No, I know I hurt her...

Typical Ryan, hurting someone he loves without trying.

I'm a horrible person... I can love, and love, and love. No man will ever love their lover as much as I do mine. But is love really enough? I used to think that nothing mattered as long as two people really loved each other. That everything will be resolved in time and the two would just have to keep on loving and not worry. Well, guess who lost that Jeopardy question? Money, Jobs, helping with anything you can; it's not all going to resolve itself. And it's my fault things ever got so bad for ever wishing I lived in just another "Happily Ever After Fairytale".

Typical Ryan, living in his own fantasy land.

I'm fed up with who I am.

No education, no responsibility, no one to really look up to, selfish, greedy, love-obsessed, to dependant on others, but too much an idiot to do anything about it.
The typical Ryan would blame his characteristics on his traits. That it's because his mother and father are pretty much the same, thus cursing typical Ryan to live like they do. ******** that... Traits don't force a man to make mistakes, wrong decisions, or to be completely moronic.

Typical Ryan; not so typical anymore. Anything and everything that has happened before now is typical Ryan's fault. ******** Ryan...

I don't even deserve to make my journal hidden. The world should see me for the mistakes I make, and the pain I cause. Maybe the whole world will read it, and hen the whole world can hate Ryan as much as he does...

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