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Just so that you all, in general, will know. This is my journal and like anyone here, I have a right to say what I feel I need to say, even if it may be something depressing or disturbing. I try to choose most of my words wisely and try to state my feelings in a mature manner and I try to think about what outcomes can come from what I write here. Just a little reminder before you read this entry. Thanks:

As of right now, I hate what my Gaian life has become.

I hate how when I try to speak my mind, and usually it is something completely opposite or opposed to what everyone else is usually thinking, I usually get told that I am trolling (Yes, I can understand this), being "dramatic" (This is just downright stupid...), and sometimes that I just need to ******** off (which can be understandable, sometimes), even if I said anything that might have been helpful.

True, sometimes I get the urge to fight back. I get the urge to actually stand up against someone who I feel deserves to be told off. Most of the time, it doesn't do anything productive and/or it gets me in some sort of trouble.

What I dislike even more is when people, especially people I sometimes talk to, suddenly seem to take the other person's side... Especially if they are more popular or if they have been friends with them longer or what have you. It makes me feel like they have turned upon me... Like... They have suddenly become sheep and following the flock.

I don't like to follow any flock. Hell, I like to be as different as possible.

I guess what I am trying to say is... I hate what my personality on Gaia has become. It's not like how I usually am IRL at all. I'm not usually angry or mean or... Whatever.

For some reason, with the way my Avatar looks and even the way my name sounds (even if it does mean, "whore" in Hebrew supposily...), I imagine her as a fiery, not so feminine, bitter and easily angered person.

IRL, I'm not a red head... I'm a brunette. I wish I had red hair though, for some reason... It seems different and appealing to me.

No, I don't wear tight fitting red and black clothes that look sexy... I hardly wear red at all.

I don't have that figure... Pfft... I shouldn't even discuss that. Body image can go in so many directions in a conversation.

And I don't hardly have the guts to personally stand up to anyone... Not even on the phone... It takes alot for me to even try to speak my mind to my own parents, who I haven't even spoken to on the phone nor in person for over 2 years now.

Now I seem to have at least a few other enemies or so on Gaia. A few of you will probably know who I am talking about and I feel their names are not even worth mentioning here right now or ever.

What I do have in common with Zuna is that I have alot of anger, built up inside me. It's gotten to the point that if I see or get reminded of the one person on Gaia that I hate the most that I just want to see them suffer. To see them be humilated or go through some sort of torture that is possible in a chat room. I know that probably sounds sick. That it may sound disturbing.

It's hard for me to even stay on one train of thought right now.

My anger IRL involves mainly from my parents. A few of you have heard at least once how they have put more anger inside of me and what they did to me 2 years back... How my husband and my drunken mother were yelling at each other in the car while I was trying to drive.

It hit me today...

What the ******** am I doing here?

Where is my direction IRL? Am I really this bored?

Why do I insist on staying here on Gaia?

For the first time, I suddenly realized that that I have an actual life outside of Gaia and that I need to live it.

I thought about the entry I wrote before this one and I start crying because I had so much fun with our friends and I was around people that actually gave a ******** damn about me, people that think I am "sweet" and "nice."

... But then I say to myself, "No, you've invested so much. You've been on Gaia since Nov 2003... You ******** donated over $100.00 (even if you knew you wanted to throw that money away)! C'mon, just think. If you stay at least another year or two, who knows what may happen. Who knows how other people will remember you."

Well, it seems pretty clear how some or most of Gaia will remember me.

As a heartless, angry b***h.

I will tell you the truth. Many times when I have tried to fall asleep today after my latest incident with someone (really, two people... More like one person with a pet at their side all the time that occassionally barks when they are given the chance), many negative and haunting thoughts have filled my mind.

I have thought, many, many times that I wanted to just quit. I was trying to find a good enough excuse to actually leave everything here behind.

The truth is that I can't, not yet. Maybe not ever.

What I can do is take breaks, even if they might last over a month or so. I did that once... I worried quite a few people... People that are close to me.

And I started thinking about the few friends that I do have here and especially the ones that I am mainly fond of. I can't name them here for I don't want to hurt anyone else's feelings... Not now... I am tired of hurting people.

They are one of the main reasons that I want to stay. They and my curiousity of where Gaia may go in the future... Even if my fear is that, maybe they will develop into some sort of adult "Neopets." I don't mean with actual pets, but with the constant annoying advertising and trying to sell you crap or someone constantly trying to take advantage of you or scam you, but I have been here long enough to know generally what to look out for anyway.

... In a way, I want to start over. I feel that I can't fully do this though.

There are times that I want to even change my name... And I can't do that to my Avatar.

I don't want to start a new Avatar either. I am proud of my joined date and I want to keep it.

I also want to stay out of trouble.

I've been threatened by one certain green mod before that if I get in trouble with a certain individual again that I will most likely be banned. It's like I have a sword hanging over my head.

Yes, I understand the importance of the TOS. I understand that no one should have to be hurt or to be harmed in any way possible.

But sometimes, I feel certain people deserve it...

Where the hell is this entry going...

Would it surprise you that I have been awake for over 26+ hours as of right now? At least once I try to sleep tonight, at a more normal time, my sleep schedule will be most likely fixed.

I'm not sure what I plan to do on Gaia in the future or where I am going to go or how I am going to spend my time on Gaia, period.

I sometimes like to answer questions in the Q&F, but I don't want people to consider me a "mod-wanna-be" or a "QnFer." Lord knows I would hate to be a Mod. I don't want responsibilies.

I don't like being in a group. It's kinda hard to explain, maybe a few of you or some of you may possibly understand.

Will I ever make some sort of positive difference?

What will become of my Avatar?

What am I going to do?

I guess the best thing to do is take a break and just think on things. :/

If I log on anymore it is because I want to read some journals. Other than that, don't expect me to post in a public forum... Anywhere.