I can't blame you for not reading it.
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I don't know if I'm really in love. It could just be friendship, I'm felling. Or a temporary flirt.
But I keep thinking how it would be to date him. The kissing, where we'd be talking about, holding hands, you name it. Maybe I want it for the attention. I want to love and be loved.
Anywho... We keep talking through e-mail and he doesn't ant to answer my question. He keeps turning around it, or forgetting it. I just asked if he had a crush on someone. So I know if I can stand a chance. But he still didn't answer.
When I'm in class, I sometimes think about hopping on some guy (from my class)'s lap, then hug and kiss him. Nobody in particular. I want the attention. But I won't let it show.
I always think like "... I shouldn't be thinking that... Because people might think I'm an egotripper." Even with small things.
Plus, I pretend I'm happy a lot. I put on weird voices and make jokes. Except when I'm really sick of it. I act sarcastic. People at school think I'm funny again. Though only people who know me well, would strongly disagree...
And sometimes I cry in class, when I get a low grade. I'll insult myself and make myself feel even more miserable. And so, when a tear falls, I'd be the only one noticing "You see dumb ********, nobody cares about you."
And I'll be quiet for a long while.
Yes, it's frustrating, but nobody will or can hold me back. It happens sometimes at dinner too. Everyone eats, so I'm not important.
Music that plays with my emotions:
- Muse
- Guns N Roses
- Howl's Moving Castle OST
- Chihiro OST
Beethoven
But I can get happy from little things. =D
I'm too weak for suicide. I think about it a lot. But I'd never do it. I hate pain, so cutting wrists, drowning, hanging and all, wouldn't be options. I'm not seriously thinking of comitting suicide, what a relief.
And I don't have real best friends. We don't share the same interests, hobbies almost nothing. We hardly spend time together. We don't have the same humor.
That was the first entry...
I'm used to playing RPs. And with those I can pick myself, who I want to love me. I want all the boys to love me. I think my thinking is so stupid, that I want those things... I never really tell what I want, in things that interest me.
Yesterday I checked my e-mail. I had told him I knew he didn't love me. He said I was right, apologized and asked me not to get angry. I said something like "I won't. I can't change your preferences". Haven't checked my mail today. It made me cry a little. I was the only one who noticed.
My "Gaian-brother" is more interested in me, than my real life sister. Kinda painful.
I'm constantly "changing" my personality to keep people satisfied. But I don't get the same back. I want someone who's really interested in me.
And Christina doesn't want to be penpals with me. I can understand... I just thought it would be fun.
Did you notice there are only negative things written here? n_n;;;
End of entry two. These two entries were not written right after eachtother.
A few days maybe even weeks inbetween.
One of the things I don't realize is that every little step I make, has impact on my future.
In class I'm mostly infront of the guy I've been talking about. I see him more of a friend now. Though most of the time we're just complaining about eachother and laugh.
His best friend is kinda cute...
He can blush so sweet, and, ow, he just wants to be tough and all!
We have the same zodiac, which I can recognise a little. He doesn't have an e-mail adress, so I can't really tell him.
There's almost no free time. This is such a great problem. Yes, school. Each week is filled with test. Or we have to make reports.
My grades suck, and I'm not interested in the classes I have.
Can't wait till next year.
I'd love to let everyone know everything about me, but I can't! I keep forgetting things and I don't have time. When it's bedtime, and I'm laying in bed, I'm never satisfied. There are always things that I wanted to do, but haven't done...
Now I read it all again, I think I should have wrote it different.
I forgot lots of thing!
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