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my life is truly about to suffocate itself. I have too much s**t going on, in my head and around me. I could deal with it if I had enough sense to face it, but I dont so I'll complain about it instead. I like to pretend. Pretend like something didnt happen, I go by the phrase "it's not a lie if you truly believe it". You can believe anything, so I'm ******** fooling myself. My thoughts come in random bursts and nobody knows what the ******** Im talking about. I'm sitting here at 13:31 am typing this, when I have to wake up at 5 am. That's my sleep schedule. It needs to change. Everything needs to change. Good thing nobody ever ******** reads these because Im getting into some actual truth here. My online personality is an amazingly horrible falacy (if you couldnt already tell). I try too hard by acting like I dont care. I live off of attention. I wish I wasnt me, I don't want to be labeled just another hormonal teenager. It's not ******** right. I dont understand where this is all coming from. If I compare my life now to the way it can be sometimes its moderately okay but its not enough. Sometimes I think back, and I'd give my whole life just to go back before I even joined Gaia. The internet has too much a role in my life now. I have plans for my life, big plans. Big, stupid, crazy plans. But..not all of it is a lie. I suppose Gaia brought out who I really wanted to be? In the sense that I gained an ego, became assertive and got a little smarter. What am I even talking about? xd
hah, just as Im in the middle of a thought I totally go blank. I wish I could put this s**t into words. I wish I could show people what the ******** I'm thinking. But most of all I wish everyone would stop being such pussies. Of course I have high expectations of everyone around me. If me, a niave fourteen-year-old can fufill them then why the ******** cant you? But, when that side of me is hidden I'm extremely sensible and quite empathetic. Why is it that my feelings are at absolute extremities? You're thinking to yourself "thats quite normal" right? Well I know what normal is and the way my feelings change isn't normal. It drives me insane. Who do I want to be today? It's like russian roullete (however the ******** you spell it, I tried for ten minutes literally) inside my head. When I'm feeling apathetic it's like nothing can take me down. I instantly shut down whatever anyone has to say. It's like half of me is trying to supress the angst that it within me because of the fact that I'm a teenager. The other half is equally is dumb because when you care about people you'll only be shot down. I've wrote about this in several contexts. Its always in the back of my mind. Is it really worth it to be nice? If not, I'm doing the right thing...
For all I know I could have every social disorder known to man, but that's probably just my wikipedia browsing induced paranoia. I probably just have too much time on my hands and it might just be all in my head. Wait, just think of the statement; "its all in your head" Of course it's all in your head. Even if something is true it's still in your head. People say overthinking things is bad. My theory is that I'm the result of god overthinking things, you decide if its a good thing or a bad thing.

To sum this up I'll leave you with two statements. One from each of my states of mind.

"In other words, I'm just better than you. I'm probably the embodiment of complete perfectness"

"I dunno lol"


...usually I can switch back and forth but at the moment I cant think out of this confused state of mind. When I'm confused I either think until I cant figure out what the word hand means or get angry and repeatedly punch my dresser because I think it makes me badass.






this could be sum gr8 copy pasta xd