This is so stupid....I really don't know what I'm doing.
As some of you know I had a pretty good online/IRL relationship with this boy Cody - Jioru Mistelo. We met before, we were happy.And recently something goes wrong. A small thing but I've been freaking out for a while. In one of his journal entries he wrote all I want to do is be near her, shes my world. Well I still only want to be near him I love him more then anything but for some reason I feel pressure like its really confusing. I feel like hes holding me back from something, and I don't know what. Somehow I still want to be with him and I think I would if he was here maybe I just can't deal with it.
He was supposed to come over thanksgiving and eat dinner with me my dad and my step mom, thats taking a huge commitment. He spent a lot of money to come see me the first time I don't want him spending a lot of money. I'm glad it stopped now because he wanted to buy me all this stuff and I wish I could just push him up and tell him to get on with his life.
We were together for 5 months and thats the second longest commitment I've made to someone and its crazy that its stopping now. It seems like fate set me aside just to be alone. Thats just where I want to be but at the same time I don't want to be.... I want to be with him. Is this making any sense?
When he came here we spent 5 of the best days of my life together, I trusted him completely and the first time we kissed was the most magical thing I've ever felt. The first time I felt him body near mine I could have died. He held me and i wanted to cry I was so happy. And now its ending who knows why, but at the same time i feel its the right thing.
I don't know why I'm writing this, no one ever reads the things i write..... But he does... maybe I should just delete this post. oh well maybe he will understand if he reads this.
I don't know how I'm going to ever talk to him again. Its to hard, I want to cry and the tears wont come, thats part of being numb....But thats what I asked for right???
Being numb without him sucks, he kept some part of me alive... and now everything is just blank to me... I couldnt consentrate today. I think I failed one of my tests......This weekend is going to be extrememly lonely....So whoever reads this wants to help me out, just talking, PM please...
If i could take back anything it would be letting him leave. He left and everything about us changed....We were picky and confused. We didnt know what to do with our lives... Hes yes, to old for me, Older and has most of his life figured out. There are other girls he could have and I know that. Some part of me wants him to move on... Because this is like my fault. I flipped out, I broke down, I said its over.
Hes done things wrong too cheat, over obsessive But hes done more good then bad. He loved me, he held me, he helped me come back to normal and find the real me, he held me back from beating the s**t out of my mother, hes done the best he could to understand....He was there. Whats wrong with that? ME! stressed
I wish I could be diffrent... But I can't be good to anyone... I can't be trusted.... And I don't want to have a boyfriend even though I love him -sighs- sad sweatdrop Things turn out for the worst emo
View User's Journal
Inside the Heart of a Darkangel
Mostly, feelings, what some people call poetry, Stuff about w.e sum jackass did to piss me off. Lyrics.
 |
Please Help me?<3