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I Need My SHOOZ Please Tell Me St. Andrew
+~]I Need My SHOOZ Please Tell Me St. Andrew
I just needed somewhere I could put this all down...
Things have been so jumbled lately.
I've messed up so many things in my life.
Everything I ever wanted was within my grasp.
And what do I do?
I ******** it all up.
I've been talking to someone who really knows me.
And I've talked to him about a lot of things that really mess me up.
And so far, he's come to a couple conclusions about my life that have really opened up my eyes.
For one thing, he believes I am emotionally weak, and an unstable person.
With everything he knows about me, and what I have been doing, and what someone else has been doing. It kind of makes a lot of sense to me.
My first love has been telling he me he wouldn't be able to live without me...
And that there would be no reason for him to continue living if I did not love him back.
My friend has told me I am being guilted into doing things with my first love. And that it's the lowest thing a person could do. Is to hold their life over someone else.
Which is exactly what my first love is doing.
I've been terrified that my first love would take his own life for a long time.
And it's scared me for so long.
I can't really put any of this into the words that my friend has, that has looked at everything that has happened, and told me exactly what has been going on.
I've been trapped into something.
And I haven't been strong enough to break away from it.
I feel like this entry seems like an attention seeking way to get people to notice me.
I feel so much right now.
I just feel like I am going to burst....
This isn't something I could post on myspace...
Where people I know in real life would read this and just laugh.
Maybe point me out as the slut who just wants attention.
I'm honestly scared to death of what I have become.
I don't want to be the b***h that did this and that to this wonderful guy.
And screwed him over and wasted his time.
I've already done that though!
Why am I so foolish?
Why do I have to have so many things messed up with me on the inside?
On the outside, I'm just that girl that always smiles, and loves to play video games like WoW and Zelda.
But on the inside...I am so confused.
I don't know what I want.
And when I do something it's the wrong thing and makes me end up in an even more complicated situation.
I don't know if anyone can comprehend this journal entry...
I just need somewhere that I can write what is really going on in my life.
Yes, I want people to read this.
Comments? It would be nice for support.
I think this is the point where I am honestly on my way to becoming a better person.
I hate being a liar.
I just want to erase everything about me that associates with that title.
Being a liar.
When did I become like this?
Was it back when I first felt the beginning of a love so deep it would tear me apart in the end?
Though I wouldn't find that out until several months later.
Why does it take so much pain, and tears, and broken hearts to actually learn a true heart-felt lesson in life.
Is this God's answer to teaching us to become better human beings?
I'm not really religious..But I believe he's out there somewhere.
He's watching me make a fool of myself.
Maybe I need therapy.
Everything that I have done to people that I love...
It's really crashing down on me.
I can't stop the flow of tears that have begun some time ago..
Why am I sharing something so personal with gaia?
Because the people here have something that makes me feel safe to expose myself to the world.
And my friend has done so much for me, I can't even describe how grateful I am to have someone like that...
I think I am done with this entry for now...
It was really long.
But I kind of feel better for telling the world.
For anyone who read all of this.
Thank you.
It means a lot to me..whoever you may be.
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+~]No I Will Never Tell You Karate Lincoln
Community Member