Well I know I promised at detailed report from weeks ago about the funeral but that doesn't seem to be happening. I'm finally starting to feel slightly better about my life and all that happened. So I guess I'll tell a little but otherwise I feel I should move on. Here it is. Well when we finally got to Colorado after a long trip with good weather this time I arrived to find my cosuins not coming for another few days. My great-grandfather who has always been a indifferent man I have never seem him even somewhat sad. Well that turned out differently this time he seemed to break up out of nowhere and cry and say things about my great-grandmother. It was heart wrenching to watch for me and my parents. After a day or two there and some cleaning of things which involved chokeing on much dust. We went out to town and to the funeral home wihch I thought okay were going to make more plans on the funeral no problem. Well already my grandmother and great-grandfather were crying as we sat there making plans. Then we found out he had arranged a private viewing of my g-grandmother for us. That's when it all seemed to start and tumble down hill for me. Entering the room I decided to sit behind a pillar away from the others I'd rather remember her the way she looked in my memories. But that didn't happen either my parents wanted me to see even though it scared me still after all the funerals I've been to to see corpses of loved ones. The others were crying making me feel guilty I hadn't shed a tear. The atmoshpere made me feel tense and uncomfortable I just wanted out was all I could think of. Eventually we got out of there but that atmoshere never seemed to go away the whole time up there only slightly ease. This all happened on Christmas Eve. The next morning I woke up cheerful happy to open presents and celebrate Jesus' birth. Not soon after I got the presents to open my g-grandfather decided to break up again and mumble things about my grandmother how she loved Christmas and such. There it was again that mood. My mood dampened I smiled fakely hugging my parents for the gifts. Christmas was no longer a happy day for me. More cleaning ensued the next day and the day after that my cousins and co. arrived. Over the next few hours I would realize my favorite cousin Roger was no longer the person he used to be and acted quite immature. I also noticed Sammi now 6 was a complete angel and my only hope of survival through this week. It continued I found my aunt to be a very selfish person only concerned about herself, my uncle as indifferent as my g-grandfather. That's when I found out that Roger had disablities he had a mind of a 7 year old and he was now 12. This came as a complete shock how could it be? More information about the family continued making me feel more and more diffrently about them. Roger couldn't help what happened yet his parents always were looking for the newest "medication" to improve it. My aunt took them all to a physcologist weekly and constantly slapped Roger for no reason. The funeral came not long after it was put together beautifully and tons of people came which was nice as well. I'm glad my grandmother was finally at peace andthat we could all live on with her memory a part of us. More days of babysitting my cousins and that atomsphere and I was ready to leave right then and forget it all. Soon that relief came I was able to depart with my parents knowing much more about others and myself. that experience has changed me greatly. It might not seem like much but it was to me it pushed me to my limits as well. I was sad for my grandmother's death and accepted she was in heaven I did not care to mourn over a corpse. I do not mean to sound selfish but my grandfather was much the same way he knew and had no regrets. Others needed that time though and I tried my best to be there for them. Hopefully I shall never have to go through this again but I know one of these days the people who are far close to my heart will depart from this earth leaving me to mourn and need others to help me realize that they are happier now then they ever were. May all of us on either end ever have others to depend on.
Love to you all,
Vikki
 Saiyura Tsukiyo · Thu Jan 06, 2005 @ 11:32pm · 3 Comments |
