I was reading a book on writing and the guy told me to picture a scene with one of my characters, so I did, and I wrote it down. It goes thus:
Quote:
The wide wooden doors opened with a loud creak. Light poured through, showering her with music and color. The ballroom was decorated in shades of gold and blue with sparkling drapes that covered the full-length windows and gaily dressed nobles twirling across the dance floor. The doorman offered her a bow that she ignored, and she walked down the steps in a no-nonsense manner. The skirt fought against her longs strides, wrapping around her legs. She paused to take a glass from one of the traveling waiters. The red wine was delicious, she admitted, and drained the glass in one gulp.
Almost, she threw it carelessly to the floor, but caught herself. She’d promised them her best behavior. Finding another waiter, she placed her empty glass on his tray. Her feet had only carried her a few more steps before a cup of that same delicious wine was thrown in her face.
Gasps followed the atrocious incident. Serieve wiped at her eyes with a hand, clearing her vision. An angry noblewoman stared back in challenge. She could feel the smirk curling her lips. One of the waitresses approached her with a napkin, and she took it from her along with a second glass of wine. The makeup that had been laid on so painstakingly smeared under the clean white cloth. Draining the beverage, she dropped the crystalline glass and shattered it.
Walking the way she’d come, the wooden doors thudded closed behind her.
***
"Back so soon?" He asked in despair. The red stains stood out against her lavender gown, hinting at what had happened. "Someone threw wine at you?"
Not stopping, she answered, "Obviously."
He groped for something more to say before she disappeared out of reach. "Did you at least enjoy yourself before it happened?"
She paused to look back at him. "The wine was good."
Almost, she threw it carelessly to the floor, but caught herself. She’d promised them her best behavior. Finding another waiter, she placed her empty glass on his tray. Her feet had only carried her a few more steps before a cup of that same delicious wine was thrown in her face.
Gasps followed the atrocious incident. Serieve wiped at her eyes with a hand, clearing her vision. An angry noblewoman stared back in challenge. She could feel the smirk curling her lips. One of the waitresses approached her with a napkin, and she took it from her along with a second glass of wine. The makeup that had been laid on so painstakingly smeared under the clean white cloth. Draining the beverage, she dropped the crystalline glass and shattered it.
Walking the way she’d come, the wooden doors thudded closed behind her.
***
"Back so soon?" He asked in despair. The red stains stood out against her lavender gown, hinting at what had happened. "Someone threw wine at you?"
Not stopping, she answered, "Obviously."
He groped for something more to say before she disappeared out of reach. "Did you at least enjoy yourself before it happened?"
She paused to look back at him. "The wine was good."
First draft, and it's only about 300 words worth, but I think it shows a lot about her character, plus it has some motifs that give it a sort of backbone. I tried to be true to the characters. They make for interesting writing. heart
I'd say the part that needs the most work is the opening paragraph. Way too many sentences that start with "The". Then I'd add more detail, change some diction so that if better fits the character. For instance, saying that she almost let the glass "slip from her fingers" fits her better than throwing it carelessly. Plus, it eliminates the adverb. 3nodding
But yeah. I like it.
