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Day 6 of Gaia online, july 25, 2006

Hello, I am newtob Exile. Im working on my new talkshow. Its called the Newtob vision. As soon as its ready Ill show it to you. If you have read my profile, you are probably wondering "why did this idiot came to Gaia and why was he banned from 13 sites in the first place?!?!" Well, I will tell you. I was because of the stupidity if the moderators!! Thats right, they always blamed me for everything! Yes, Maybe posting that thread on the talk page about this site I found called hentai paradise wasnt a good idea, but the page had a advertisment where you could get free viagra! Thats so nice of them...

What? That was just SPAM? dangit...Anyway, Ill try to be a little more careful here in Gaia and not be so dumb...Also, since some of the Gaians in Gaia online will recognize me, Ill post some of questions and hatemail PMs I get and will post it for you to read! Please forgive my ignorance, as this is my first Journal entry in Gaia...And Im still confused by SPAM...

Speaking of confused, I heard that a new feature in Gaia would be jobs that A gaian could have. That really make me think, and I decided what Job I would want besides as a tv host...My descion was made as I was lurking thrugh the forums, and I noticed why some people dont like the general discussions forums. I never saw such foolishness or so many trolls in one area! This also reminded me about how people have been complaining about how immature some people are in gaia...

While it IS true that it's impossible for me to go around a corner in the chatterbox forums without my sexual preferences being called into question, I think it's an unfair generalization. Jerks are like n00bs and arrogent rich idiots, there all universal. Just as the vast emptiness of outer space is filled with stray atoms of Hydrogen, the enormous immensity of the online universe is filled with morons.

This week there was an interesting twist, however, as I read that this guy in the Forums threatned to sue a fellow Gaian because he insulted his "boyfriend". Man, that dude really lost it at the general forums, no doubt a seething hive of adolescent rage. Man, if he thought the General forumss were brutal, he probably wouldn't last five minutes on the SomethingAwful forums or your typical World of Warcraft message board.

But filing a lawsuit? There are some who would consider this sort of excessive litigation to be a waste of public resources. There are those who would bemoan how litigious our culture has become. But me? I see opportunity. I see dollar signs. I see a societal need for:

Newtob Exile: Forum Attorney

Have you ever been mentally injured in an online conflict regarding your skillz and/or gender preferences? Many times the social scars earned from such an encounter may not show up for weeks, and can include insomnia, depression, impotence, or a fear of integers. Don't let the system rob you of your rightful damages. Like shaving your privates, filing a lawsuit is the right thing to do, provided you do it slow and carefully. I was the refreee in counter-strike:source matches, and I'm ready to use that experience to help YOU.

(Tense Telephone Negotiations)

I drummed my fingers on the desk and shifted the phone from one shoulder to another as the line rang. "Hello?" A tired voice finally answered.

"This is Newtob Exile, Forum Attorney. Sorry to wake you. On the 11th of February, 2006, at approximately 8:45 PM you called my client a -- one moment --" I shuffled some papers on my desk. "-- I quote, 'A gay b***h trolling wh**e' on the chatterbox forums. The facts will demonstrate that my client has never engaged in sexual relations for financial compensation and server logs confirm that he was in fact not trolling. Would you like to settle this out of court? ... I see ... I see. Is your mother home?"

(Helping the Hopeless)

I flicked open my cell phone and answered it with a terse, "Newtob here." The shallow voice on the other end of the telephone was hurt and pleading. Between sobs I tried to piece together the incident.

"You say you were at McDonald's, eating a Bigmac sandwich while playing Gaia towns on the laptop, when an individual entered the town, and proceeded to disturb you by going up and down using the sit button in front of you...."

My take on the events was confirmed, and I continued: "This is a classic case of DRY HUMPING, a classic form of gaian sexual harrasement, and it's a very serious charge. Let me ask you, did you take a pic of the scene? The guy, the guy who harrased you? The scene. Did you make a pic of it them? No? Left gaia towns and went back later? FOOL! No jury would convict without pics. Let me ask you this: did you enjoy the Bigmac? Well, take that as a small consolation, that's all you can get."

The law is harsh, but it is just.

(No Mercy in the Courtroom)

The Transcript read as follows:

Newtob: Your honor, I submit that my client Wheres to much Emo clothes, despite libel allegations to the contrary.

Defense Attorney: Objection your honor! He's a Goth. Goths sucks.

Judge: Sustained.

The law is just, but it is harsh.