Awhile ago Joel found out how I really feel about him (which, if you didn't know, is that I like him as more than a brother or a friend, or at least that's what it felt/feels like) but whenever that happens with a guy, well, I think the only person it happened to besides Joel is Jake (B), but whenver it does we always start fighting, or arguing or they start getting mad at me easier. And that's what's happening with Joel. And I HATE it. I HATE it because I think I still like him like that, even though I wish I didn't. And because now I feel like I really need him, which I thought would be flattering to someone, I'd be flattered if someone needed me, but it's making him feel pressured so now I feel like a big fat jerk. But he's the only person I've been in contact with during the summer, and he's the only one who can help me and give me advice and make me feel better (just like Jake B) But today he told me about making him feel pressured and stuff like that, and now I feel worse.
But I don't know what to do. I feel like I need him. Which is unhealthy and everything, I know, but there's no one else to help me. I just can't help but cling to him, because I'm afraid that I might lose his friendship, even though I know my clinginess is really just pushing him away. But I'll say it again, I have no idea what to do about it. I just wish everything could go back to the way it was before he found out I like him, and before I realized I liked him as a lot more than a friend.
And he called me emo today. It's official. He hates me.
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