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This is another rant
After an hour of toking by myself from 1am-2am

I don't care to rant the details but it's another angry night. Both my husband and me.
So...hahahaha nvm the details right?

Eventually, he storms off to the bedroom, grumbling something angrily.
I hate this. Walking away bullshit. I hate being married to a toddler.

********, I birthed 4 kids, granted by c-section...but does that mean their births were less meaningful? I think not. And ******** haters. I stroke my own small surgery scar. It's a miracle and blessing I had good doctors and all my babies survived under their care. I guess it's ok I survived too..

uggh...I swear, I'm only a bitter b***h, because of how my marriage makes me feel.
My husband doesn't let me express any of my feelings. Not in a welcome, open-door setting. My husband? Shiiiit...

there's just so many examples
it's sad, idk where to begin
I mean, this isn't just 2020, Covid pandemic, current bullshit
I've been down in the dumps since I gave him HIS first born...my second...
and she was/is a beautiful girl
I understood his newfound, undying love for his first blood baby, his first daughter...

in the wake of his bliss, he began neglecting me, and I grew to be patient. I knew he'd find time for me at some point...right?

That was July 2016, when I gave birth to my #2.
Fast forward 1.5 year, Dec 2017, gave birth to his next daughter.
Fast forward 2 years 2 months, Feb 2020 (yes, my 4th and final baby, is a "Covid" baby...then again...she was conceived last year...hmmm)

Well...here I am, *checks imaginary watch, for effect*
it is 4 years and 2 months since I gave him his first baby.

Uhm...the affection just dwindled, and dwindled, and dwindled...
I'm getting pretty ******** fed up.

I am not a complex woman!
of all the things that could definitely better in my life
FROM MY ******** HUSBAND
all that's left, that I NEED, is to be touched

it kinda sucks people. for me to be a thirsty Scorpio. like. DAILY. and I'll be 31 on Devil's Night, October (30th)...I am depressed, that my best years are being wasted...

on this fool that I committed myself to

you don't understand what I did

I went to court, to settle a parental plan with my 1st born's father...even tho we were perfectly civil friends before my husband...

I gave up my music...he claimed it reminded him of his cheating ex...she listened to some of the stuff I did...so as his face would contort with my music...I stopped playing it altogether...I literally stopped listening to MY OWN MUSIC from, about Nov/Dec 2013...until July 2019, when I got to separate from my husband for a whole month...
that was the happiest month I had had, in soo long...
*sighs heavily*

well...I found out, I was pregnant with my 4th child, on my daughter's 3rd birthday...
I was speechless and reserved. I knew it. I had to take him back. For him to be fully involved with our last baby's life, at least during these critical first years.

I am graciously still around, for him to have his relationship with his kids.

During that separation, he tried soo hard to get me back. He's the kind of person that went back and forth! First a super positive couple of txts...oh no...then some dark txts...then some light hearted txts...then some depressed txts...it was ridiculous
and I didn't want to take him back...

well, final straw was him trying to casually tell me he wanted to "off himself"...not in those words, but you get my drift.

How dare he. How dare he make me fall in love with him. Commit. Birth his children. Neglect me. Then when I ask him for something, he can't find any ******** strength to adjust ANYTHING a LITTLE BIT at least???

What happened to the beginning? I really believed you when you called me your Queen. From then on, I treated you as my King...

But I gave birth. And became your governess, nanny, housekeeper...whatever I became to you, it sure as ********, wasn't a Queen. Not anymore.

There was a point in our marriage, I had brought up, how much I missed our beginning. How we fell in love, how it felt...it was so long ago...

I told you I missed it...you told me "we're past that phase now, that puppy love stage."

WOW. WOW HUSBAND OF MINE. HOW BLIND ARE YOU. MY HEART FINALLY CRACKED.

Under all that pressure...of trying to be perfect for you...you break the news to me...I will NEVER feel like I did, in the beginning...with you.

That is what I gathered, and that is what I feel daily.

You make no moves to correct it, no matter how many fights we end up exploding in.
No matter how much I physically cry, within the space you occupy, and you haven't wiped my tears since *checks imaginary watch again* 20...yup 2013. The first year we met.

how. ********. depressing.

Shame on you, for not helping ME, when I used to feel like self-harming.

(BTW I am only not self-harming, since I came onto Gaia. I was determined to find some kind of friends, to distract me, or all out discourage me, from doing it and it worked. Random Gaians talked me down from hurting myself, just last month...
Thank you again, Gaia and its users)

And back to my rant towards my husband...
Shame on you. For not helping me, when I fantasize about drowning, my water element, claiming my last, pathetic breaths

When I think about speeding, speeding, speeding, into a brick wall or some solid s**t.

When I think about shooting myself, which isn't realistic because we live paycheck to paycheck.

When I think about jumping off a bridge.

I wish you would reach out and hold me...

((be back later...when my heart isn't palpitating, worried my husband might wake up
and find me on Gaia... crying ))

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