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Recently my activity on Gaia has been limited. I have school, friends and an outside life that obviously needs tending to at this point. But now that I am paying more attention to this outside life, I've turned to neglecting my online privileges and friends--to an extent for you see my friends in real life are turning into, well frankly a bunch of hypocrites. They complain about one friend for a whole year, then all of a sudden they are clinging onto said friend and ignoring you. Now, recently I took part in this HUGE ordeal with one of my best friends. The reason? She started dating my Ex right after the break-up. In all reality, I really didn't need to be upset, seeing that I was the one who broke up with him, however I was and it bothered me to know that she could do such a thing. It also brought up suspicion that while we were going out [Ex and I], she had a fling for him and vice-versa. This began on our trip to Chicago, when I started forming the crush and she denied the fact that she also had a crush, which she indeed did and lied to me in the long-run. Either way, it caused a flurry of mess-ups that began to implode on us all. One being that the friend who is now still dating my Ex, decided that she was going to ignore us all for a long while, telling us lies and not being truthful with things we asked. Now, its summer school, and my other two friends are beginning to form an Anti-Shia cult of sorts, or so I presume seeing that one never even gives me eye contact nor says hello to me and the other does when it suits her. Now, before summer school and during the year while school still ran, they were having complications of their own, one telling me that she can't stand how the other acts so blunt when questions are pointed towards her and the like. Each complaint ran through me mind you, and I couldn't agree more at times. I simply don't understand how this shift occurred, even though inwardly I do and wont admit it. So in the end, I feel ignored by one of my two best friends while the other, the one dating my Ex, won't leave me alone. Mind you, I enjoy the company and I love her like a sister--I am her friend and I intend on staying with her that way for a long time, but the other's won't speak to her, and that bothers me as well. Either way, that's that.

This pertains to how I've been feeling on Gaia in various ways. For one, I'm taking all the emotions I have of being ignored here. Such as I log onto to Aim and don't get a response. Bothers me. And secondly, when I get depressed, it's as if it isn't noticed--even though I do know people take awareness of it, I just feel as if my emotions don't matter when others do. I suppose this is selfish of me to feel, as if other's are just so much more important then I am and so that's why I'm feeling the way I am. As if I desire the attention or something, but it's just how I feel. But understand that just because I feel this way, doesn't mean it's the fault of anyone. Again, I've strung my Real life crisis into Gaia and I am just forming my own web of depression. It's a strong web, many things absurd, but it's a web that will be broken eventually. Just a phase.

So, over all, I just feel really, really depressed. An almost sickening type of sadness that has just engulfed me. I just don't want to be pushed out of my real friends lives and my online friends lives, even if they are two different worlds, each one means so much to me.

I honestly don't expect anyone to read this. It isn't as if any of it is important, seeing that it leads all the way to my Real life, but I needed to vent to something, not someone. I can't tell everyone how I feel directly, making this an easy way for me to cope with my true emotions. I'm just hurt, and feeling way I do online doesn't help.

Just hurt.

[This is directed to no one in general, it’s just me expressing me and how I tend to feel on a normal basis. I’m not trying to put anyone down, other then those in my school life who need a good throw down at times. I’m just sad, and I don’t mean to push away when I do.]

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