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I went to go see Clan of Xymox with my friend/former coworker Tyler in Toronto the other night, and it was an amazing night. I didn't get to stay the whole concert unfortunately since I had to catch a bus home at midnight, but what I did catch was incredible. I was so happy to see Ronny Moorings in person (he's just as hot as I expected he'd be even though he's ******** 56 now holy s**t, what kind of ******** demon magic is that man using to continue looking so youthful?) and I had a spot right up at the front so I could see everything very clearly! The sound was amazing, Ronny was amazing, dancing in a crowd full of goths was amazing, it was very nearly the PERFECT night other than having to walk out. The energy in there was insane. I've been riding on that high for a bit now, but... sitting here alone at 3 in the morning it's starting to fade a bit. Sigh. I wish I lived in Toronto merely for the music scene and the chance to attend goth events where there's an actual subculture, unlike here where not a single goddamn person cares about my music, but... I don't think giving up all my friends would be worth it. And.... him, of course. I'd probably never see him again if I ever left.

Even though he doesn't care about me, and I know it. I'm trying very hard right now to come to terms with the futility of my feelings... and I want to avoid bringing him up needlessly. Of course he almost never leaves my mind, which makes things difficult. Even when I was at the show, and staring right at Ronny being a literal gothic god in the flesh, I still thought about Matt. I thought about how when I look at him... the affection I feel outstrips anything and everything else. That even if Ronny ******** Moorings himself proffered himself to me, I wouldn't choose him or anyone else over Matt. Isn't that ridiculous? How is it fair to feel this way about someone who doesn't even give a s**t about you? Even now I'm wondering what Matt is doing... what he's been doing since he got back home... I miss him. I wish he missed me even remotely. I wish I could have even an iota of hope I'd hear from him, but I don't.

He hasn't messaged me, he won't, he doesn't care about me. He just doesn't care. Nothing about me matters to him. I don't know what his life is like outside of the times he comes here to stay... he probably wouldn't even talk about it if I asked. Whatever it is... video games, anything else... everything else... my position on his priority list is nonexistent. Even though he means so much to me...

Should I try to distance myself from him? I don't want to... but what do I do? Do I have to turn my heart into stone? I just don't know what to do at this point. I understand perfectly that nothing is going to change... I can't be as detached as he is. When I'm around him, when I look at him... the desire to be with him, to be close to him is overwhelming. I'm afraid of this struggle, and I'm so tired of hurting... hurting and aching over someone who could care less about me... but I don't want to give him up. But he doesn't give a s**t about me. I want to be around him....But he doesn't even think about me. I love him... but he doesn't love me. I've only acted pathetic and my feelings are pathetic. I wish it weren't true... but it is. I wish any of this mattered at all. Why is this so hard for me to understand? Why do I still feel like we have something when we don't? He doesn't even talk to me. He probably wouldn't give a s**t if he never saw me again. He probably only feels some kind of guilty obligation towards giving me the bare minimum of attention when he's hanging out here because he knows how I feel about him and he doesn't want to seem like an a*****e. If I told him tomorrow that I think we shouldn't hang around each other anymore, he probably wouldn't even say a single word of protest.

I wish I knew what I should do... what the future holds... what the right thing is. Somehow I still feel like we're meant to be together and it makes zero sense given the state of things. Why does my heart lie to me? Why does he lie to me, too? I'm so tired of being lied to... I've only ever been honest and tried to be as open of a person as possible, why can't I be given the same courtesy? Please stop lying to me and pretending you were too busy to get back to me, or that you somehow forgot... if I mattered, this wouldn't be happening. And I don't matter to you. I need to get it through my head that I can't change anything.