This is the truest of story. I tell you this truthfully with truly truthness and truth.
I was awesoming down the street twoday, when a flippin dinosaur came put a dragon in my way.
"THAT AIN'T COOL MAN I WAS AWESOMEING AND CRAP AND YOU GO PUT A DRAGON THERE YOU SUCK!!" I stated politely.
The dinosaur was all meek and stupid, so I punted him. He went around the world ninty-twent times before he stopped at Denny's and got me a grand slamwich. It was kind of nice of him, but the dragon was a douche.
I found a shrimp, but he's not important, so I don't know why I mentioned it. So I turned my feet into rockets, and collected street signs, then bent them together with my bare hands until they turned into a giant spatula. The mayor called it the fifth wonder of the world, cause the other one was actually really stupid, and like, it's a giant spatula made of street signs. That's ART BIATCH! So I got the key to the city and crap. The world was all: "OMG YOU DON'T STINK LIKE OUR FACES WE WORSHIP YOU!"
And I was all "CHHH I KNOW!" cause I did know. I know everything.
But yeah, so the key to the world was mine, and it opened the world, and there were two moles playing some weird game with sticks and rabbits. I ate them, cause I'm hardcore, and moles look tasty, and then I measured their chemical structures using moles, and half moles, and it was the best thing ever in your life. Half of the world flew into the sun.
"not my fault bro."
I walked to the convenient store, and a guy was trying to take all the money from the front, so I turned my rocket-feet into scissor-feet, and cut the crap out of his pants, so he felt a draft and had to go home. The convenient story man fell in love with me, cause I'm prettier than all of the girls, and all of the orcas and all those other sea life with their organs and their gills and whatever the heck those weird gloopy fish are, cause those things creep me out. Die!
Then I started on fire. I using a penny to break the nearest window, and ran out the door to the grass where all the worshippers were. They liked me on fire cause they knew I wasn't hurt if I was wearing my sunglasses all cool-like, which I was, I always am. I'm always cool-like. I know everything forever. I head-butted everyone with my rock hard abs and my scissor feet were normal feet again but I got a talking cat all of a sudden. Best.
"YOU NEED TO SAVE THE WORLD!" the cat wasn't even Luna, but it knew, man.
"I KNOW CAT. I ALREADY DID. I MADE A TIME MACHINE OFF-SCREEN." and my past self saved the world for me, and we hung out until she spontaniously combusted, cause that's what past selves do. It was beast.
Then the shrimp came back, but had lazers on its head, and was riding a bull made of bread and bagels, but they were stale. The shrimp's all
"I'M IMPORTANT! DON'T IGNORE ME! YOUR STORY'S NOTHING WITHOUT ME!"
and it died, cause my awesome was too much for its shrimpiness to stand lying down.
But that dragon from before, the one who was a douche, he was back too. My enemies are stupid. They don't know my awesome until it melts their faces off. The dragon couldn't talk though, cause talking dragons is just stupid. It's like....stupid. Really stupid. I'm awesome.
Douche-dragon breathed fire, but it was blue, and it zapped stuff, and the mailbox behind me exploded, which was inconvenient since I didn't send my letter to santa yet. Not cool. The dragon is now my arch rival.
"STOP THAT HEAT-BURPING! YOUR FRIZZING MY HAIR!" I put my hand up like a boss, and the flames didn't touch me, cause even flames know my awesome. It's too awesome not to know my awesome which awesome awesome.
The douche-graon which I don't want to type anymore had a colon the size of an interstate, but I didn't care cause it was just a colon. Who needs a colon that big? I thought it was a tumor but it was just a colon. Guess he didn't need to have a hard working colon if it was so big. Took up a whole building, and kids started playing on it. Damn that colon's big. And I stated that.
"Damn that colon's big." but the dragon was dead from awesome-exposure, so his colon popped. But it was okay, and the kids were happy, cause it was filled with candy. Just like this man.
"Ew." and he blew up.
I went back to my busy schedule, chucking the key to the world into some random parkinglot-i-don't-care. There was a hill, so I slow-mo ran to it with my hair glistening in the wind, which made the world sigh cause I'm GORGEOUS!! And the sun decided to set, cause that's how stories end, and it was tired from being almost as awesomer as me all day but not even.
The end. It's truth. I live it.
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