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"Are you awake?" sent to three of the four most recent conversations.

Two responses, one more than needed, but I appreciated it.

A few notes on the title of this entry: For those of you who can recognize it, great! It's a lyric from the song "Yesterday" by The Beatles. I thought of the title yesterday, coincidentally (because "Yesterday" is also the title of the song, haha), because the line that follows this specific verse ("Suddenly, I'm not half the man I used to be" wink is "There's a shadow hanging over me."

...I think. My memory has been deteriorating more than ever as of late and I'm trying not to be concerned because I'm still convinced it's directly linked to my horrid sleeping schedule. I figure if I correct my sleep, my memory would stop getting worse, but I'm failing pretty hard at fixing myself. I... have more concerning matters in mind anyway.

So what happened yesterday? I can only describe it as the return of the Shadow. *sighs*

For the past day or two, I have been living a headache, quite literally. It started one night after I started sewing a black bunny. It was approaching five in the morning and I figured a headache was coming on due to the lack of sleep so I slept. When I woke up, however, the headache was still very present. It persisted for the entirety of the day and until I slept again. When I woke up today, I'd like to think that it was gone, but I'm not really sure. I passed out earlier and woke up a few hours ago with a more throbbing headache. I'm... Not sure if I should be concerned.

I've also been having stummy (stomach + tummy) issues. Every now and then for the past few days, I've been feeling the urge to throw up, but I never really do. I've also occasionally been getting cramps that force me to sit for a while. Should I be concerned? I really don't know.

It dawned upon me about a half hour ago or so that perhaps the causes of my declining physical health are beyond my depression and broken sleep.

Y'see, reader, every few weeks, I get what I like to think of as growing pains. It would come at night near the time I'm about to sleep. My legs, the joints in my legs more specifically, start to ache extremely. Sometimes I can ignore it enough to reach sleep, sometimes it keeps me up crying (because humans cry when they're in pain, don't they?), and sometimes I take a painkiller and hope it kills my pain and dulls my brain.

A few days ago, I was having growing pains and decided to take a painkiller. The first thing I noticed was that the container of Tylenol indicated that the products expired next month. I figured that means the pills are still good this month and I took one. A while ago, I took another one to hopefully deal with this headache. I think it's working, but I'm not sure. Anyhow, what if the pills have expired and it's drugging my body in a way that is triggering the pain instead of remedying it? It's just a guess in the dark.

Speaking of the dark, let's return to the reason I'm writing right now: the return of the Shadow.

About twenty four hours ago (plus or minus a few minutes), I started pondering painful thoughts. I thought about being abandoned and I thought about being lonely and isolated and I thought about the future for someone as hopeless as me. Ohhhh dear, I gotta write fast before something happens.

*deep breathes*

Let's just be blunt here. That's the point of a journal anyway, to not keep things all bottled up inside. I had a breakdown last night. I'm not sure how long it lasted because, for once, time seemed to slow down. "2:00am" the clock kept reading.

"Are you awake?"

An affirmative answer from two fellow souls.

"Can you keep telling me jokes?"

"Why?"

"Please."

And that's how last night went. It was not a pleasant experience, having a breakdown, but it's so much easier than it once was. Dear reader, if you ever have a breakdown (or a million, like this potato), don't let yourself be alone.

Loneliness is such a sad sorrow in itself.

On one hand, I would like to stop having breakdown. Last night was the worse one in a while. The last breakdown I had to this degree was less than two months ago. I'm happy that, in contrast with the beginning of the year, at least breakdowns aren't a daily occurrence for me anymore! But still, a little is still something. A breakdown is still a breakdown.

There's a girl I once knew. Her name was Karla and she went on an exchange program to Germany (I think?) when I was in grade eleven. I had gym with her in grade ten, among other classes probably. What did she say? I forgot, but I remember replying with something along the lines of "It's hard to break things that are already broken." I remember she thought it was adorably tragic and I enjoyed her pity.

I miss grade ten. I miss having reason to cry rather than just crying because my brain struggles with releasing the happy chemicals.

I was wrong, dear readers. Broken things are not immune to being more broken. In fact, after your wall crumbles, you become vulnerable to everything, and everything, dear readers, can be so overwhelming at times.

I do want to eventually start taking pills to deal with The Shadow, but I'm not yet a legal adult and I don't have the courage to confess my issues to my parents. I don't want to be a burden to anyone, dear readers. My parents are very good parents and they have sacrificed so much for my siblings and me. Now that our family is starting to struggle again, I especially don't want to add to the family costs. I... *ahem* I also don't want them to think they are to blame for my inability to maintain my mental stability.

Dear mumsy and papa, I know you'll probably never read this journal. It's in English, after all. I just want you to know that I love you both very much and that I do notice and appreciate what you do for your children. I'd also like to apologize for not being able to live up to all of your expectations. I'm also sorry if one day you wake up to a world where I don't exist.

That's the scary thing about The Shadow. I mean, surely it affects everyone differently, but for me, I don't know if I'll wake up with the will to live tomorrow. It's happened before, waking up being as physically debilitated as I am mentally debilitated. Bedridden, I think people call it. Forcing myself to get up and survive the day is... not a fun time for me.

Do you know about my multiple selves? There are always predominantly two Lucia's. I like seeing one as the older Lucia and the other as a younger Lucia. Sometimes I differentiate the two trains of thought as one being the dreamer and the other being the realist. They can also be distinguished with their attachments to the past or hope for the future. At times, I feel there are several more Lucia's, but there are typically two Lucia's.

And typically, with these two Lucia's, when one gets sad, the other is sad that the first one is sad. It's as if every time I'm sad, I'm experiencing the combined sorrow of two people. It's like I have two Shadows.

I think I'll start journaling more frequently. I know that I tend to write more when I'm consumed by The Shadow and that The Shadow is very much eating at me now, but... I don't know. There's a certain comfort that journaling gives me and I think, if and when I do survive this phase, I'd still enjoy that comfort on my brighter days.

Ah, and so the first two tears of the night have fallen. I don't know if I'll have a breakdown. I don't want to keep breaking down. It hurts me physically as well and my health is already so poor.

Thank you, reader, so much. Thanks for your time and consideration in reading this entry. Thank you for being here for me. I know you may not know me and that's okay. I know you may know me the best and that's okay, too. Whoever you are, thank you.





I may have used these lyrics, but this song has been my consolation for a while now.
Don't let me get out of this kiss
Don't let me say what I say
The things that scare us today
what if they happen someday
Don't let me out of your arms for now

Good night if darkness rests upon your roof, dear reader! Sweet dreams. Maybe I'll meet you there. yum_puddi